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“Things were changing too fast and-”
“So drugs are going to slow it down? Do you even hear yourself? Everything changes, Bill! That’s life! Grow the fuck up!”
“That’syourlife! Changes happen and you go with it. I can’t do that, okay? I can’t sleep at night with Tom gone. You don’t know how it feels. It’s like I can physically feel what he’s going through, but I don’t really know what’s happening, so I can’t make sense of it. I’m scared to death he won’t come home.”
I take a breath, calming myself as I continue, “He’s different, Adam,can’t you see it? Something happened to him over there, and I just needed something to quiet my brain, to help me forget it even for a few hours.”
He watches me, but he doesn’t respond, just stares back at me blankly, so I lash out. “You don’t know how lucky you have it, Adam. Always in control of yourself. Always the one everyone relies on. On top of it all, you’ve got a good woman. But you’re so tied up with work you can’t see she’s ready to run.”
“Don’t talk about her,” he spits out. “She’s ready to run because she’s tired of me putting her second while I take care of my baby brother!”
“There it is! The resentment! Go ahead, blame me for your shortfalls with her!”
The nurse comes running into my room. “Gentlemen! Please! We have other patients on this floor! If you can’t control the yelling, I’m going to need to ask you to leave.”
“I’m going now, anyway.”
The nurse pauses for a moment, watching us both, probably trying to decide whether she should call security. Finally, she leaves and the silence that falls over the room hits like a weighted blanket.
I see the moment Adam's demeanor changes, the emotion vanishes, and he speaks matter-of-factly. “You don’t have a clue. Want to talk about missing out on a good woman? Adley sat here all night. Praying. Waiting. Crying. For you. But once she heard you were alert and going to be alright, she left. I wouldn’t expect her back either. After the mess at the bar last night, all your run-ins with her are adding up to be more trouble than it’s worth.”
His gaze moves to the floor, and he shakes his head as he says, “She knew about the coke, too. All these fucking secrets in this family. We’re not the saints the town paints us out to be. We’re completely broken with a fake facade.”
I can’t say a word. There’s nothing to say because it’s all true. No wonder Tom ran far away, and Francesca doesn’t want to come home.
“I love you, Bill. But I’m done. Go to rehab or don’t, but before youmake that decision you remember that if you choose recovery then there’s nowhere to go but up. For all of us.”
He pauses at the door, turning back to me as he whispers, “You’re the first chance at redemption this family has. I sure hope you take it.”
And then he’s gone.
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
BILLY
Rehab Facility
Day 89
“Big day tomorrow,William. Are you ready?”
Right now, I feel the best I have in a long time, but the first two weeks here were rough.
I was nauseous, and my hands shook so badly I could hardly hold a glass. I wasn’t sleeping, and I’d break out into sweats at random times. The counselors have been great. They kept me busy with gym time rehabbing my ankle, journaling time and meetings, of course. We got into some deep conversations about why I ended up where I was, and it always came back to the same thing.
Change.
I’m a creature of habit and when even the slightest thing changed, I went for the one thing that didn’t. Alcohol, drugs. It gave me the reprieve I was looking for. I got the same feeling each time from using. It’s the one constant I could control, even though it was killing me.
“I am.”
I’m not.
“Are you sure?”
No.
“Yes.”
