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He turns to me, and I see the anguish in his eyes and I turn away as he says, “Bill. What happened?”
Rolling my eyes, I feel my anger rising even more, my body calling out for a drink, and I hear my counselor saying this is where you find your strength. One day at a time, you make a choice. Today? It’s literally one minute at a time. I’m watching the clock, talking to myself, and actively choosing to do anything but reach for the bottle.
Because I can’t reach for her.
And I explode because I just can’t take it anymore.
“I fucking miss her, Adam! She wasn’t even mine and I miss her like she’s the air I breathe.” I turn in my chair and face him. Chelsea hasn’t said much to me, but I’m sure she’s been talking to Adam. She’s been there for me, but she refuses to share anything about Adley.
“Billy, I know you think Chelsea is telling me things, but she’s not. We’re not exactly in a good space right now. I’m where you are, floundering over the woman I love. I’m going to tell you though, if there’s any chance to get her back, you can’t digress. You worked hard for those days. Don’t throw them away.”
“What good are those days if she isn’t here?”
“I know it hurts. Trust me, I know.” He stands. “I’m going to go home. Come by later if you want. And I’ll be here early with coffee to get us to work on time.”
Watching him leave, I count to ten, exhale and let my head fall back on the chair.
I'm desperately attempting to measure up, but it’s still not enough because she hasn’t come back.
Not a word.
Not a text.
Not even another book release.
CHAPTER NINETEEN
ADLEY
Three years later
There’s something missing and I know what it is. I haven’t felt settled since I left, though thinking about going back to that place only causes more anxiety. It's the third time in my life where I knew the answer to what I needed to do, but I was scared to death to make it happen.
Continuing to ignore the past won’t let it relinquish its hold on me. The memories will only become stronger as I replay what could have or should have been.
My fingers pauseon the keys, as I think of all the should haves of my own life.
I should have told my mom she didn’t need a man in her life if he wasn’t good.
I should have told Steve notto follow me to college.
And I should have told Billy more about all of this. I should have explained my thoughts and feelings of how growing up with an alcoholic father dictated a lot of how I reacted to certain situations.
Instead of assuming that he knew how I felt.
My top three regrets in life have been my three biggest plot points of the book I’m currently writing. It’s the follow up to my first bestseller. The one where I found Billy as my main character. I’ve been writing and writing but not getting anywhere. I can’t see the end.
The lingering "should haves" make the decision to stay away even more challenging. Simultaneously, the urge to return to that town makes me want to go in the opposite direction. It’s a crazy push and pull of emotions. Wanting to be with the man I so desperately crave, but needing to stay away to protect my heart.
“Ad!”
My fingers die on the keyboard and my train of thought runs off the track.
“I love my sister. I love my sister.” I repeat quietly to myself as she appears in the doorway with crossed arms.
“I know you’re talking about me.”
“That’s fine. You should worry when I write about you.” Letting out an evil laugh, I spin my chair in a circle before I stop to face her.
