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“Hi.My name is Billy, and I’m an alcoholic and an addict.”
“Hi, Billy.”
“It’s been one hundred and twenty-two days since I got high.” There are a few claps, but they die out quickly. “And it’s been one day since I drank.”
The room is silent, and as I glance around, all eyes are fixed on me, making me feel exposed. I have to do this, though. This is the whole point of these meetings. Holding myself accountable. Claiming my fuck ups and then trying to progress forward.
“For the first ninety I was in rehab. They gave me a choice of that, or jail.” I huff a laugh. “As one of my smarter choices in life, I chose rehab. Not without a fight, of course.” Standing in front, I try to collect my words. “I left rehab feeling good. But when I got home, the dynamic had shifted. The whispers and looks, and the constant questions of ‘how are you today, Bill?’ had me itching for a drink.
“I tried to step back into my life as it was before, just without adrink in hand. Or a line of coke in front of me. But change is not a friend of mine. Change is what sent me to those habits to begin with.
“I had a girl that was so good to me, but I wasn’t good to her. We weren’t even together, but while I was in rehab, I promised myself when I got out, I would make it up to her. I would be the man she needed. A friend or more. Hopefully, more.” I shrug. “I’d step into the man my family needed me to be. But when I got home, she was gone. And the family I knew, was different.
“I lasted thirty-one days before needing to drink away her memory. Each day was more painful than the last. But not as painful as today. Day one. Again. But I’m here and tomorrow will be day two.”
As I take my seat, the clapping fills the room, and the man who sits beside me stands up. Trying to sum up an entire lifetime of fuck-ups is hard to do in sixty seconds.
“Hi, I’m Craig and I’m an alcoholic.”
“Hi, Craig.”
My mind drifts and I watch the minutes tick by on the clock. When the full sixty are up, I bolt from my chair and make my way home, my skin crawling.
Today is a bad day. I know it’s because the alcohol is still running through my veins from my binge twenty-four hours ago. Walking through my front door, I kick off my shoes and shed my clothes as I walk through the house and out to my back deck. Down to my boxer briefs, I dive straight into my pool, needing the sharp sting of the cold water to comfort me. I need pain. I need something.
I need Adley.
Surfacing at the top, I hear my name. I swipe the water from my eyes and see Adam standing with his hands on his hips on the patio. Blowing out a breath, I swim to the steps. “Throw me a towel. There should be one hanging on the chair.”
He turns, grabs the one I left out here last night, and holds it out as I walk closer.
“You always swim naked?”
Rolling my eyes, I rub the towel through my hair and down my chest. “I’ve got underwear on.”
“Barely.”
“What are you doing here?”
He walks a few feet and sits on the lounge chair under the tree. I follow, wrapping the towel around my waist before I sit.
“I saw you pull in and I called your name, but you ran straight inside. I wanted to make sure everything was okay.”
My eyes focus on the water ripples that are slowly drifting away in the pool. I never even heard him calling me. I was so blinded by the buzz lighting me up inside. “I just came from a meeting, needed to cool off.”
He’s silent and I know, as the older brother, he’s carrying so much of my stupidity. We didn’t leave on good terms, and it’s been strained at best since I’ve been home.
“How many days is it?”
“This isn’t helping today, Adam. Ask what you want to know or leave. I can’t sit here and do this.”
The tension that swirls around us is instant. This is what’s been happening with us. There’s too much animosity. “Don’t take your shit mood out on me!”
“You’re inmyhouse! I didn’t come to you with my mood.”
He breathes out a loud sigh. “You’re right. I’m sorry.” His words are clipped with no feeling. And I’m about to make him feel worse.
“I’ve got one day again. Aren’t you proud of me?” I say it with sarcasm, hoping to hurt him. It’s shitty to do but if he wants to take on my pain, if he wants to take on all our problems as his own, I’m going to hand it to him.
