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CHAPTER 21
TANIA
“Ok, Tania,” the nurse looks stern. “This time we need you to push like you’ve never pushed before.”
I swear I can hear her. I understand the words coming out of her mouth. I'm just too afraid to listen.
A light beams overhead forcing sweat on my already misted brow to run down my face into my hospital gown. Monitors beep endlessly, ringing out the constant reminder of the life inside me. A life I should be ready to meet, to mother. But I’m just not there.
“No!” I refuse. “I can’t do this.”
My mind is pure mist, a brain fog that won't lift, and a haze that can’t settle. Somewhere in this darkness, Alice pulls my hand into hers.
“I'm here, Tania. It’s time to push,” I should heed her, but something’s holding me back. Something primal within me. It’s like my womb can sense that all is not right in my world. Nature must take its course, yes, but there’s no accounting for a woman’s body.
Deep inside me is an uncertainty I'm just too scared to name.
“Tania, I mean it. You need to push.” She sounds more serious by the second. It doesn't help that feet keep rushing into the room. The monitors beep, but what do they mean? How can they tell my body to perform as it’s supposed to?
“I can’t do this!” I scream, the truth ready to erupt.
“Tania, we must get the baby out in the next push.” The nurse says, getting down to my level. I see sweat beading on her brow, but can’t force my eyes to make contact with hers.
“Nurse, prep O.R. for emergency c-section.” I hear from the back of the room. The words whip me like a slap in the face.
“No!” I scream at the nurse.
“Then you need to give this all you’ve got.”
Finally, I see her. Her eyes dig into me looking for me to give her my trust.
“I know this is hard,” she says, checking her watch to begin the countdown. “But we do it together.”
“I’m here, Tania.” Alice’s hand grips me back to face her. “You’re ready to push.”
“I can’t do this without him!” I yell, finally birthing the words from my subconscious. As soon as they rip free from my mouth the nurse begins her count.
“It's time! 1, push 2, push 3!”
I don’t know how, but letting the truth out worked like a charm. He’s the reason I’m holding on. If I could, I would wait forever. But life has other plans.
The pressure builds within me, the final twist of my abdomen into motion for the baby to exit the birth canal safely. The pressure reaches its crescendo as I make the final push.
“Promise me,” I beg of Alice, feeling the wave take me in. “Promise me, you’re with me.”
“I’m here. We do this together. Now push.”
“That’s it, Tania!” The nurse yells. “The head is free. Get those scissors ready. And push!”
The magnitude of pain that is birth morphs into a rush of endorphins the second the pressure leaves my body. I feel the release at once and breathe deeply for the first time in months. My body writhes between the torment of labor and the release of delivery, punctuated by a sharp cry from beyond.
“It’s a girl!” Alice screeches, her hand gripping mine so tightly I can hardly breathe. “Oh Tania, she looks great. I’m so proud of you.”
She wipes the sweat from my brow and helps me sit up to see her. The nurses wrap her gently in warm synth cotton and place her in my arms. Her little tail sticks free of her swaddling blanket.
She is a vision of her father. My heart can hardly contain joy like this, welling up with tears so much that I could burst. It's the most impeccable moment of my life, I only wish he were here to see it.
“Oh, Tania. Look at her.” Alice says.
