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“You knew?” my voice is shaking. Tears are running down my face.
“I knew. I couldn’t tell you.”
“Why not?” I am filled with anger and confusion. “Why did you keep this from me? Do you know what this has done to me? That is a secret you had no right to hide from me.”
“I am so sorry, angel. I just could not tell you.”
“But why? I need to know why. What else do you know about him you can tell me? I need to know everything. I have to. Please.”
“I am sorry. I can't speak about this.”
“Gung Gung,” I shout into the phone, knowing the disrespect of losing my temper but unable to hold back.
“Please know that I am sorry.”
I hang up the phone. I am in complete shock; my entire world falling apart more and more. Everything that I knew, everyone that I know, is in question.
My phone rings again. It is him. I don’t want to speak to him. I decline the call.
He phones again, and I decline again.
Ah gung, of all people, knew the truth about the anguish I experienced every single day of my life caused by the loss of my parents. He knew I was focusing my hatred and need for revenge on the wrong people; he knew everything yet kept it from me. Why? Why would he do that to me?
What else don’t I know?
My phone rings. He is not giving up.
I have nothing to say to him. He told me he could not answer my questions.
I have so many questions now. More questions than answers. I feel betrayed to my core, and, I don’t feel like he is home to me anymore. I don’t feel as though I belong with a family who keeps secrets like that from me.
Where do I belong, then? Nowhere? Anywhere?
The hotel room feels small and suffocating. I need to get out of here.
I stare at my phone, watching it flash as it rings again.
I slide it away from me so that I can't see his name on my screen.
I need to get out of here, and I need to leave the damned phone behind. I need to leave my Gung Gung behind and think to figure out what all of this means.
I scratch around in the drawers and find a piece of paper and a pen. I scribble across it.
I have gone for a walk. I won’t be long.
See you a bit later.
XOXO
I leave it on the kitchen counter for Antonio to find later when he gets home.
Antonio also kept secrets from me.
My father, Ah gung, Antonio. Am I not worth the truth?
I push open the hotel door and make my way down to the street below. I walk, going nowhere. I just need to go somewhere. Anywhere.
I wish my mother was here right now. I wish she could wrap her arms around me and tell me that everything is going to be alright.
