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How can I be so alone in all of this?
I wonder if my Gung Gung always knew or if it was something that he found out later on. If he always knew, then why would he need to hide that from me? Does anyone else know? Am I the only one who was kept in the dark? Was he involved in the decision not to tell me? I can’t handle these questions rushing through me. I can't handle the chaos of it. The unknown aspects of mylife.
I feel as though I might never go home now. What is there for me? Nothing, no one who cares enough about me, to be honest. I think about all the times I confided in him when I was feeling scared, hurt, or broken. He listened and gave advice. He tries to guide me, all the while knowing something so massive that it could have changed the entire course of my life.
I wave down a yellow cab. I know where I want to go. I want to speak to the one person who I can trust. My mother. I need to get to the water.
The beach is near to me, and it is the only place where I will clear my mind and speak to my mother.
The taxi driver drops me off on a sandy shoreline. I climb out of the car and pull my shoes off right away. Stepping onto the sand, it soothes the soles of my feet.
I walk along the edge of the water, contemplating everything that has happened in my life. The waves reach out to me, splashing against my feet, cool on my skin.
When I find the right spot, I drop my shoes into the sand and sit beside them, staring out across the massive stretch of blue water, churning and moving with the tides and the wind.
I squint against the sun reflecting off the surface.
“Mom?”
“I need you.”
Tears fall on my cheeks again. Tears of anger and hurt.Please, mom, I need you.
I push my thoughts out into the water. I release them from my mind toward her so that she can send something back to me. Reassurance? Comfort? Anything to let me know I am not alone.
Hours go by, and the sun sinks low against the edge of the ocean. Still, I don’t get up. The sky grows darker and darker, and behind me, the lights of buildings shine. In front of me, the stars are flickering in the sky. Still, I do not move.
I am waiting for her reply.
When it comes, I will know what to do?
A drunk couple sways passed me, giggling and laughing, pushing each other and being playful. I watch them for a moment, then turn my eyes back to the midnight black water.
My mother has nothing to say to me today. Maybe her silence is her answer.
Is she telling me I am strong enough?
Am I strong enough to do this on my own?
I don’t want to. I want her to be here with me.
I stand up, dusting the sand off my legs. I am strong enough. I have always been strong enough and I have always done everything on my own, anyway.
It is time for me to take action, and to find my own resolutions to whatever is going on.
I walk off the beach and wave down another yellow cab. I should get back to the hotel. Antonio will probably worry about where I am.
30
Antonio
Iwalk into thehotel after a long morning of going through my father’s assets with Kalo. I must decide which assets I want to keep and which ones will be auctioned off. The family will be allowed first viewing of the auction items, to give them a chance to make their own offer on any pieces they want.
There are some pieces that I know are investments and some that, in my father’s personal letter to me, he insisted I don't sell. I guess I'll find out why when I have time to go to his mansion and look at everything for myself.
“Little bird?” I call into the space, feeling that she is not here. It's too quiet.
I check the rooms anyway, just to make sure, then come across her note on the kitchen counter, next to her phone.
