AllFreeNovel
Share Us
‘Instinct,’ I laugh. ‘OK, I am in the sea, on .?.?. okay, hang on, is he a mister?’
‘He’s actually a sir.’
‘Sir Instinctof Leigh-on-Sea. The only male boat for miles.’
‘That’s right,’ laughs Jack, and as the boat speeds up, the front of it rising a little, a little scream escapes my mouth. It’swild.I have lived here for years, but this is the first time I’ve been out here, like this, beyond swimming. I see them all the time; dinghies bobbing, people rowing, chatting, beneath the sky. One of those things I think, that I thought belonged to other people and not me.
It’s beautiful out here. It’s one of those cold, but high-skied, blue winter days that makes you want to ponder; to wonder. And after earlier, that cringe inducing conversation with Leona, I almost feel like I don’t want Jack to ever turn around. I want to just lose myself to the sea. Lose myself with him.
‘And you .?.?. definitely know what you’re doing?’ I call out, over the sound of waves, the whirring of the motor. ‘It’s just .?.?. the water is probably ice cold.’
‘Mhm. And why do you feel the need to ask me that?’ says Jack, pretending to be offended, a hand at his chest, the other hand wrapped strongly around the boat’s steering lever. He’s of course briefed me on the official names for things – rudder, motor .?.?. something else that I keep referring to as ‘a stick’.
‘Just .?.?. cocky sailor?’ I offer, reluctantly, and Jack shakes his head. ‘Which I’m finding very sexy, I have to say. Just not very reassuring.’
‘My cockiness does not affect my ability to pull levers, Millie,’ he says. ‘Plus, it’s easy. You can come and have a go—’
‘Nope. I am sitting right here, thank you very much, Jack Shurlock. Every time I move, I feel like the boat moves – sorry –Sir Instinctmoves. So, I’m going to remain rigid. If that’s all right.’
Jack smiles that gorgeous smile over at me, the high autumnal sun lighting his hair golden. He gives a one-shouldered shrug. ‘Fine by the cocky sailor.’
The boat rumbles on and on across the teal surface of the water. It really is so beautiful. The briny, sharp and sweet smell of saltwater, the distant bustle of Canvey Island on the horizon, Leigh, getting further and further away. I know I needed this – I needed nothing more than to be away from work. I needed toliterallybe away from land. I think even a doctor themselves would prescribe this. If I sat and explained everything, plus ‘oh, and it turns out my ex was lying about his whereabouts, but who am I to judge, I ruined his life. Oh and I really like a guy – the first guy I have liked in years – but he’s leaving the country for the foreseeable’ I am pretty sure a doctor would say, ‘Oh, Millie Chandler, what you need is a boat. A boat manoeuvred by a handsome man with delicious arms.’
We sail and sail for a while, both of us quiet, almost taken and speechless by how lovely this is; howescapist.The salty air drying out my hair, the sound of waves and wind in my ears, the cries of seagulls, the whir of the motor. People getting tinier and tinier on the beach. It looks like a toy town. It looks unreal.Made up.
After a few moments, Jack kills the engine. ‘How’s this?’
I nod, thoughtfully, gazing at the skyline. ‘Perfect,’ I say. ‘Are we allowed to just – be out here?’
‘Who’s coming to get us? The boat police on a ship brimming with grannies telling us to keep warm.’ Jack grins. ‘And of course. Perfect conditions, perfect tide .?.?.’
‘No sharks. Or slimy eels?’
‘No sharks,’ he says. ‘No eels. In here with us, anyway. We’re all good.’
The sea surrounds us. The boat bobs gently. I turn my head, towards the dome of the sky. And I suddenly feel something build inside of me, rise in my chest. I breathe it out. A huge, meditative sigh.
‘Ahh, this .?.?. makes me feel things,’ I say. ‘Do you know what I mean? All this water. Sky. Life. All this world.’
Jack gives a singular nod. ‘Makes you feel insignificant, you mean,’ he says, the boat rocking, slightly, as he shifts, sits on the little ledge opposite me. Our knees touch. ‘And it should be disempowering, but it’s .?.?. theopposite?’
I meet his hazel eyes, the pearly sunlit-edged clouds, behind him. ‘I’m not sure if I agree.’
Jack smiles. ‘Oh yeah?’
‘It actually feels a bit scary to me, all this world. Pressure to .?.?.make something of it all.And yet, we’re all sort of stuck. In systems, in routines, in what’s expected of us, all of which ensure wearen’tmaking something of it all.’ I look up at Jack, shake my head. ‘Sorry I’m just .?.?. thinking. About recently. About what it all means. I feel like a jaded old man holding up a bar.’ I give a fake laugh. The sort of laugh you give when you want to trick yourself into not feeling as though you could cry at any moment. He’s leaving.He’s leaving.
Jack says nothing; watches me carefully, with those deep, glinting eyes, and for a moment, I wish so much I could freeze time. Take a screenshot I can keep in my brain somewhere, safely tucked away, to look at any time I forget how this feels. I never want to forget how this feels. He looks so beautiful. The sky looks so beautiful. Life, for this moment, feels so beautiful.
‘I just think, we’re notnothingor insignificant, are we?’ I ask. ‘Because, how can we be? In a world where .?.?. allthisexists. We’re here, for just a blink. And yet most of the time, what we’re reduced to is, I don’t know. Doing the same thing. Going in the same circles. Lettingotherpeople, other things, make us forget how important we actually are.’
Jack nods, thoughtfully. ‘That’s why I live in the vortex,’ he says.
I smile at him. ‘So, what, if you live in the vortex, you don’t let those fuckers in?’
‘Precisely,’ he says, quietly. Waves slosh. A seagull above, cries, like a soundbite from a ‘beach sounds’ playlist. ‘And I advise it. Any fuckers who take up your head-space .?.?.’
‘What, tie breeze blocks to them and hand them toInstinct? Proverbial breeze blocks, of course.’
