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“No, it’s fine, honestly. I’d rather just rest.”
Nightfall makes its arrival as I lay in bed. My head is still a mess, now exhausted after bouncing between each dread-inducing thought of my anxieties.
I had intended on sleeping early, but slumber eludes me in the same manner as peace does. I can’t tell if it’s the minutes passing by like hours or the other way around, but soon it’s late into the darkness.
I keep my eyes open, deciding to let my exhaustion take me when it sees fit, muttering prayers in the meantime.
“Please, all I ask for is another… What was that?”
My line of sight snaps towards my open window where I hear the snapping of a twig. I tense up, thinking that Carus has returned to take me once more.
Disgust fills me when I notice that I’m not opposed to the idea. Burying my head in my hands, I feel so far removed from myself, so different from the woman I was just a day ago.
The lit flame on the candle by my bedside flickers, again catching my attention, as do the swaying curtains hung around my bed. Even the shadowy corners of my chambers have me on edge.
Any movement rouses me, half expecting to see Carus appear out of thin air, each motion setting my heart ablaze, not with fear but this time with lust and desire.
My legs quiver when I recall how the dark elf felt in between them. His taste, his scent, his claim on taking me as his even though we had just met… There was something so primal about it that I just can’t hate, no matter how much I try.
More than anything, I hate myself for feeling this way. I shut my eyes again, going through another battle of tossing and turning as I fight to sleep.
“Just let me be free of this madness,” I mutter as a tear stains the pillow. “I don’t know how much of this I can take.”
All around me, I can feel the silence creeping in, carrying with it whispers of scorn and shame. At the same time, if I try hard enough, the thought of Carus is oddly comforting, but I remind myself that I do not need some playboy dark elf.
Why is it that this forbidden desire of mine is testing my faith? I’ve done nothing to warrant a trial of this difficulty, it wasn’t my fault! Why does my heart yearn for the very thing that could ruin my life?
10
CARUS
My efforts, my time, and my patience. All of it seems like a waste. The Great Archives, despite their details and their wisdom, tell me absolutely nothing about the mating bond.
Tears well up in my eyes, both out of frustration and due to strain. I’ve been searching endlessly, for days on end, for an answer to my questions. Still, it all amounts to nothing.
“The Rulers hardly knew anything about this.” My fingers pick at the dry skin on my lips. “Why didn’t they know anything about this? Why is there nothing written? This can’t be the first instance of a mating bond. No, I refuse to believe it.”
I push away from the desk violently, nearly toppling it over. Rising from my seat, I pace around my room until my head starts spinning. There must be something, anything, to explain why there’s a mating bond between Shana and I.
Shana.
The human who has remained on my mind ever since I laid eyes on her. The mating bond between us makes me want to run out of this room in search of her. It takes all of my restraint to stay here and continue my research.
With each passing day, the longing to see Shana again grows deeper. I’m torturing myself, keeping my distance from Shana while I try to understand our connection.
“This will all be worth it in the end,” I whisper, rubbing my hands into my eyes until I see a myriad of colors. “All of this will be worth it. I’ll be with Shana again.”
I hope she hasn’t forgotten me.
…Who am I kidding?
If the mating bond is affecting me this much, I can’t imagine what this power is doing to a human, especially one as fragile as Shana.
Even later at home, I study futilely. My fingers toy with the edges of the pages incessantly, bending them and flicking them with my thumb. I can’t focus on my research right now. Every time I close my eyes, I see her. I see Shana.
She’s the owner of my thoughts nowadays. I can’t ever have a moment of peace, where my mind wanders aimlessly without a worry in the world.
I only think of Shana, of our mating bond, of the relationship between her and I. We’re meant to be together, but why? And how can I be so sure that this isn’t my mind playing a cruel trick on me?
