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She leaned back, her eyes still wide. "Wow. That’s just… I mean I know angels aren’t allowed… but still. Wow…” She straightened back up and looked at me. “Did you like it? I mean, if he was a rubbish kisser, I get why you'd be annoyed, especially with it being your first."
The question caught me off guard. I hesitated, warring with myself – to acknowledge the pleasure would be to admit to my own vulnerability. And yet… we were friends.
I released a slow breath. "Yes," I said quietly. "I did like it."
"Well, that’s good then, isn’t it?”
“I don’t know…” I said, then looked up quickly. "Could someone be bad at kissing? Because... because I've never done it before and what if I was terrible at it?"
Lily laughed. "Sariel, unless you shoved your tongue down his throat, I'm sure it was just fine. Like I said, Theo looked disappointed when you ran off, not relieved."
"Oh, well, that’s… not that I should care. I won’t be doing it again."
Lily rolled her eyes. "Point is, kissing is more about feeling than technique. And from the look on your face when you talk about it, you felt plenty."
I closed my eyes. “I did. And I shouldn’t have. Kissing is definitely against the rules. So, it doesn’t matter.”
“Would you rather have kissed someone you didn’t feel anything for?” Lily asked gently, and I opened my eyes.
“I guess not. I just don’t know what to do now.” I stood up and started pacing again, unable to sit still.
"About Theo?"
I nodded. "What if he wants to kiss me again?"
"Ah." Lily nodded slowly, understanding dawning on her face. "And you don’t want him to?"
“Of course not,” I snapped. “I’m an angel, I'm not meant to want these things."
"Sure, sure," she said. "But you kind of do, don't you?"
I stopped, staring ahead, trying to ignore the leap in my heart at the thought of Theo kissing me again.
"Maybe it wouldn't be the worst thing," Lily suggested gently. "To find out what you want for yourself, I mean."
"It’s forbidden,” I murmured. “If Gabriel found out, it would be the end of everything I've ever known," I countered.
"Or maybe it would be the beginning."
I swallowed. Temptation. This was it. This was what it felt like. I had to be strong.
“Do you?" Lily's voice cut through my thoughts. "Want him to kiss you again, I mean."
"Maybe,” I conceded. “But it doesn’t matter what I want. Angels aren't permitted romantic ties, much less... physical ones."
"Sounds lonely," she observed.
I stared at the ground, tracing patterns in the dust. The silence hung heavy between us, filled with the unsaid. I had never felt lonely before I came. It made me desperate to return to Heaven, to the barracks where things were simple. And at the same time, it made me desperate to stay.
"It's the rules," I echoed weakly.
"Ah yes, angels and their rules. Tell me, Sariel, out of interest. Have you ever broken one before?" she asked with a wry tilt to her lips. Her question was casual, but it struck deep, hitting nerves I didn't even know were exposed.
Heat crept into my cheeks, and I looked away, focusing on the fluttering canvas at the entrance of the tent. "Perhaps," I muttered, and there it was—the blush that gave me away. A beacon of my guilt.
"Ah," Lily said with amusement. "The virtuous Sariel has a rebellious streak."
"Come on, spill it," she prodded. "What rule did our angelic Sariel break?"
