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“There’s something about you that drew me to you the first day I saw you.” I shrugged. “I don’t know what to do with it because we’ll disappear from each other’s lives in the blink of an eye.”
Charlotte swallowed hard and then the tiniest smile lifted her lips. “Thank you, Jamie.”
I lifted an eyebrow. “For…?”
“For being honest. I can tell you don’t express yourself too much, and I know that wasn’t easy.”
She hit the nail on the head. “So, what’s my reward for getting over my emotional repression… this once?” After I left Kohala and Charlotte, I was sure I’d go right back to being good ol’ emotionally repressed Jamie.
Charlotte laughed. “You get an answer to your question from earlier. I ended up working here after a friend told me about the job opening.”
As I held Charlotte’s gaze, I considered the turn of conversation and then nodded. I supposed that was her agreeing that acting on our attraction was a bad idea since we’d go our separate ways soon. I wasn’t sure how to feel about it yet, but I’d respect what she wanted.
To my surprise, Charlotte scooted closer to me. As she did, my heart picked up speed. It didn’t do that with anyone else. “May I ask you something too?”
“Sure.”
“I don’t want to upset you or anything, but I’m curious. What do you have against your birthday?”
I swallowed hard to shove down the ball of emotion that rose in my throat. The question was unexpected, but not unwelcome, which was surprising. I usually completely shut down when the subject came up with anyone other than the four guys who already knew my issue.
Charlotte watched me with curiosity and a hint of fear as if she thought she had asked the wrong thing and I’d explode. Her apprehension got to me. I didn’t want her to look at me like that.
“My mother died today, thirty-one years ago.”
“Oh, Jamie…” she breathed. “Shit. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to dredge up bad memories.”
I pulled my knees up and rested my elbows on them. “It’s okay. I guess I should talk about it. Keeping everything locked in hasn’t done me any favors.”
She rested her hand on my arm and I stared at our point of contact. The little touch was hugely comforting. “What…? How…?” She blew out a breath. “You know, what? It’s none of my business. I’m sorry that you lost her.”
“I killed her,” I revealed in a monotonous tone that stemmed from me torturing myself about it for my entire childhood and accepting the remorse and bitterness in adulthood.
Charlotte’s eyes bulged and her jaw dropped. “What?”
“She died giving birth to me, so… I killed her.”
Charlotte continued to gawk and the room plunged into silence. I was in too much despair after bringing up my mother to feel any awkwardness if there was any. I just felt… full of sorrow. I suppose it’s because I never dealt with my pain. As a kid, I didn’t have help dealing with it and as an adult, I simply kept it locked away only to bring it all out on my birthday.
“Jesus Christ, Jamie. You did not kill your mother,” Charlotte finally said. “Oh, my God. Please, don’t tell me you’ve carried that thought since childhood.”
My look alone told her that I did and she groaned and muttered again, “Oh, my God.”
I shrugged. “I’ve carried the guilt since I was old enough to understand that because of me she suffered complications. She was warned that there was a possibility she’d die if she delivered me. She refused to do what the doctors recommended—something that might endanger my life. She chose to endanger hers instead and in the end, she lost it to give me life. I wish she hadn’t…”
Charlotte let out a long breath and plopped against the wall. She stared at me with wide eyes. “Jamie… I don’t even know what I should say to you except…” She sat forward again and shuffled so that she faced me. “Your mother loved you beyond anything before she even met you because that’s what mothers are supposed to do. I’m sure she wouldn’t want you to torture yourself for her choice. She didn’t make a mistake. You’re supposed to be here, and maybe you shouldn’t spend your birthdays in despair. I think you should go all out and enjoy it, you know… kinda like honoring her and living life to the fullest for her in a way.”
My eyes locked with Charlotte’s. No one had ever helped me to see things from that perspective before. I tilted my head and considered. Honor my mother. I really should do that, shouldn't I? I owed her my life. Then I revealed something that I’d never even shared with my friends.
“I’ve always felt too guilty to have a good time because my father blamed me for her death. Since I can remember, I’ve tortured myself about taking away the woman he loved. My very existence is a constant reminder of what I took from him.”
Her chest heaved with a deep sigh and then she all but flung herself at me. Our position was a little awkward at first because I still had my elbows on my knees but when I relaxed after my initial surprise, I dropped my hands and pulled her closer.
Her arms wrapped around my shoulders and for once I wasn’t annoyed that someone thought they had to pity me. That had never been what I wanted. I’ve always just wanted someone to tell me that they understood my pain and that they didn’t think I was crazy for carrying it for so long. I knew that what Charlotte gave me wasn’t pity. I could practically feel waves of empathy radiating from her and I soaked it up.
“I get it, Jamie,” she whispered. “I’d probably hate my birthday too… but, please take my advice. Live fully for her until you learn to live for yourself.”
I rested my chin on her shoulder and inhaled deeply. Even her scent was comforting. It was soft and feminine. I suppose I luxuriated in her embrace because not once since I was a child struggling with the guilt about causing my mother’s death had anyone hugged me. Dad was a cold son of a bitch and as great as my friends were, they weren’t the hugging type.
