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Lachlan pauses thoughtfully at my question, so I continue.
“Are you ready to test your faith for me?”
Chapter 15
A tranquil mind gives life to the body, but jealousy rots the bones.
Proverbs 14:30
Avery’s looking at me with hope in her eyes. Praying that I’m not about to let her down. I can see it written all over her tense frame and worried face.
Her pouty lips are turned down now, taking the place of where her sunshine smile was just moments ago. Those sad, bright-blue eyes are staring straight through my being.
Those eyes. I’ve come to adore every feeling they express so vividly. Right now, they’re saying everything I need to know about how Avery is feeling about her unanswered question.
Leaving the church is a decision I haven’t fully come to terms with. It’s something that I know I have to do. It’s just frankly more complicated than simply deciding to move on.
The church saved me. Patrick saved me. How can I let him down? How can I come to terms with being laicized when I know how much he believed this was the right path for me?
Truthfully, I don’t want to lose him, and I fear that leaving the priesthood behind will have repercussions on his and my relationship. He’s the father figure I needed when I was lost.
What I do know is that these past months with Avery have been unlike any other relationship I’ve experienced and the absolute fucking opposite of my time being committed to God as a priest.
I can see myself falling for her, and that’s the only real thing I know right now. What I have to base my answer on is that truth.
Growing up, I didn’t expect my life to turn out this way. When my da passed away, I took it hard. Anyone would, but I became a fragment of the person I was.
I took my sadness and fueled it into working harder than any of my colleagues were. With the money I was making, I didn’t have to live in the sadness; I could do countless drugs and take too many women to forget the truth.
That’s my past. It’s dark and gritty, and there is nothing holy about it. How will Avery look at me when she hears all of those details? Will she leave me when she finds out about the accident that ripped me open?
My heart isn’t ready for that kind of pain again. But one thing I know is that I’m obsessed with my Goldie girl, and for that, I’ll give her what I can of me until she pulls away. No matter how much heartache I’ll experience when Avery ultimately leaves me when she uncovers my darkest secret.
I’ll at least have had my time with the remarkable Avery Parker.
With all of the complexities that are my truth, I decide to go with the simplest answer.
“Yes.”
True, no matter how conflicted I am about it. The confliction and guilt I feel about what we’ve done, and are continuing to do, is my cross to bear and mine alone.
I’ll unravel my life here if it means I get a chance with Avery.
Her shoulders relax, and a small smile appears. Clearly relieved by my response. She’ll take the simplicity of it, for tonight at least.
“I told you. I want this, and I want you. I’ll handle the rest. My faith is separate from the commitment I made by becoming a priest. I can separate the two,” I share.
She lets out a long sigh and leans her head on my shoulder.
“Please be honest with me, that’s all I’ll ask of you on this. I know how much this will weigh on you. If you ever need to stop or change your mind, honesty is all I ask. I want you, but I don’t want to hurt you in order for you to be mine,” Avery whispers.
Hearing those words spill from her lips makes me know my decision is the right one. She’s somehow chiseling away the walls I’ve put up around my heart. I won’t let them get erected again, not when Avery is begging me for the same chance I want.
All night, my plan was to do it right with her after our incident at my office.
It’s been harder than I imagined not to consume her entire body right away.
Avery deserves to have someone try and show her what it’s like to be cherished and even fucking courted. Her dickhead husband hasn’t treated her right in ages.
