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Millie plops down next to me and reaches for the phone, but I hold it between us so we can both see. Huffing, she says, “check the messages first. We can scope out their profiles and see if we can get them pre-qualified for a date.”
“Pre-qualified? Millie, they’re not buying a car here!”
“I know, but we don’t want to waste time on another Michael. So, I think we need to glean as much information from them as possible before getting to the date phase of your board.”
Nodding at Millie’s sound logic, I open the newest message. There are no words, just an attachment, and it takes me a minute to figure out why some man I don’t know would send me a picture of a naked baby mole rat. I study it intently for a few more seconds until I figure out what I’m looking at. Millie must realize it at the same time because we both yell out together. Dropping the phone, I slam my eyes shut and try to burn the image from my mind. “God, what the hell was that?”
“I think I might need to wash my eyes out. We can probably just mark him off the list.” Disgust filters through Millie’s words. “Who does that? As a heterosexual woman, I can say without a doubt that unsolicited penis photos are not in any way sexy or attractive. What was his plan here? He thought you were going to be so overcome with lust you’d tell him to come on over?” Almost as an afterthought, she says, “Wait, did he say anything else? Or just send the picture?”
Physically recoiling at the thought of opening that message again, I say, “Um, I don’t think so.” Shuddering, I delete the entire message thread without going back into it. “Honestly, I don’t care if he said anything else. That’s a pass for me.”
“Okay, seventy-three to go,” Millie says, and I nod in agreement. But neither of us move to open the next message. After a few seconds of tense silence, she says, “I’m making the executive decision that we are going to need snacks to go through the rest of these. And possibly some vodka.” After another wary glance at my phone, Millie nods again. “Yeah, definitely some vodka.”
Some hours later, a significant dent in the pile of snacks and the bottle of vodka had been made, but nearly no progress on the prospect section of the board. I had long since changed into my comfy pajama bottoms and tossed my wild hair up into a bun to get it out of my face. I lay back on the couch clutching Cecil, my boxer puppy, to me as I contemplate how much therapy I’ll need after this. “I’m not sure that my insurance will pay for therapy from excessive accidental exposure to pornography, Millie.”
Millie’s normally upbeat, snappy response doesn’t come. Glancing over, I notice she looks shell-shocked as she stares off into space. Concerned now, I snap my fingers near her face to get her attention. Millie jumps back at the noise, seemingly just now realizing she isn’t alone.
“I need my mind scrubbed clean of this entire day, Charley. I’m not the same person I was before. Now, every man I pass in the street, I’m going to be wondering if he’s the one with the peculiar Snoopy-shaped birthmark. How do you unsee something like that?” Her bright blue eyes are wide as her voice rises with each word.
I slump back onto the couch in defeat as I consider how to respond. “I don’t understand it. Out of seventy-four notifications, fifty-seven were various men’s penises. Nothing else. Just full-frontal shots in all their glory. I don’t get it. Is there something about my profile that screams ‘dick-pics wanted’? Or is this just the way of the modern dating world now? Women’s inboxes have become virtual dick buffets. I have so many questions. Like is this the proper protocol? Does that actually work for them?” My voice is nearly a shout by the end of my monologue, but I don't care. How am I supposed to keep my faith in love when this is the caliber of men I’m dealing with?
Millie throws her hands up in exasperation. “Don’t ask me. I’ve never been so thankful in all my life to be out of the dating game than right now.”
Scowling at her, I say, “Rub it in, why don’t ya!” I groan and try to figure out where to go from here. I had a plan, and I was ready to put it into action and find my happy ending. Except for the fact that none of this is going according to plan. Not ready to give up just yet, I try to find a positive in our current situation. “Okay, so we started with seventy-four notifications. Taking out all the… unsavory ones, we are left with seventeen. We can work with seventeen. Let’s focus on those.”
“Okay, yes. We can do that.” Having a game plan seems to bring Millie back to life a bit. “Let’s see who we have left.” But she doesn’t make any moves toward my phone, just eyes it warily as if it’s a snake poised to strike.
“Oh, would you stop! They’re all gone! I made sure of it.” Despite my brave words, I’m still wary as I pick my phone back up and reopen the app. Noting there are no new notifications, I breathe a sigh of relief and put a cheery note in my voice. “Oh, good. The flash mob has abated. Let’s check out our viable candidates!”
The top message is from tom_hot4u, which admittedly does not fill me with confidence, but there are no picture attachments, so I open it.
TOM_HOT4U – HEY
Well, that’s a disappointing opening. What can I tell about the man from that? Sighing, I decide to message him back. Even if he’s not a scintillating conversationalist, he’s still an improvement. “Hmm, what should I say, Millie?”
“Well, with such a great opening, I’m sure anything you say will get the chemistry really flowing.” She says it straight faced, but her sarcasm rings through loud and clear.
“Not helping, Mil. Maybe he’s just shy, and would rather I lead the conversation? Even then, no genitalia picture alone is enough to get him on my prospect board at this point. Beggars and choosers and whatnot.”
Thinking for a minute, I smile as I come up with the perfect response.
CHARLEY_LOOKING4HERPRINCE – HELLO THERE, TOM! I’M HAPPY YOU REACHED OUT! TELL ME, WHAT DOES YOUR IDEAL FIRST DATE LOOK LIKE?
I’m still smiling when I hit send. Maybe this is it. Checking out his profile while I wait for his response, I notice he seems to tick off most of my boxes. He’s handsome, seems funny, and I don’t see any glaring grammatical errors. He’s looking more and more promising by the minute.
Flipping back to our messages, I’m excited to see the three little dots showing his reply is incoming. “Oh! Millie, he’s writing me back!”
Millie leans forward excitedly too, both of us fully invested and hopeful this Tom would be a fruitful prospect if only to get as far away from this online dating app as it’s possible to get.
“Oh, God! Not again!” Shrieking, I drop the phone and bury my face in the couch pillow to scream out my frustration. Flinging the pillow across the room, I sit up and try to pull myself together. Phase one of my plan is not going well. Like at all. “What the hell is wrong with these men?” Grabbing my phone from the floor yet again, I contemplate deleting the app altogether.
Disappointment settles over me as I look at my still empty love board. I’ve never been a quitter, but right now, I want nothing more than to walk away from dating altogether. If this is what the modern dating world looks like, maybe spinsterhood isn’t so bad after all. Groaning, I say, “I can’t do this anymore! Can’t you set me up on a blind date like a proper best friend?”
“Hey, now! That was one app. Let’s redo our plan of attack and try again!” As usual, Millie is my voice of reason. I really would be lost without her.
I nod, but even with Millie’s enthusiastic support, I can’t help but feel like maybe I’m doomed. Suddenly Cecil is there, nudging my arm with his noggin before attacking me with puppy kisses, startling a laugh out of me. “That’s right, Cecil. Who needs a man anyway when I have you?”
three
