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Jaxon comes onto the camera to take two plates from Breanna. He carries them seriously out of the screen, and I sigh, snuggling deeper into my pillow.
Breanna clearly isn’t just fulfilling a duty; there is a warmth in her actions, a genuine affection for Jaxon that resonates with me. I didn't anticipate seeing this side of her – a side that hints at a deeper connection and a kind of compassion I haven't witnessed before. Has she really come to care about my son so much in the last week?
Yet, amidst the realization of her admirable qualities, a conflicting emotion stirs within me. The emptiness that lingers from a series of shallow relationships, the hollowness of a life devoid of genuine connection, gnaws at me.
I’ve had sex with any woman I’ve desired for the past few years, and it’s empty. Sure, I feel full in that moment, but that feeling quickly fades.
The notion of a steady life, a committed partnership, and the image of a family with Breanna and my son plays out like a tempting daydream. I can't deny the desire I have for something more meaningful, something beyond the superficial encounters that have defined my past.
I remember the grieving widow from the waiting room yesterday. I haven’t been able to shake her face. She was surrounded by adults who I assumed to be siblings or grown children.
But the sadness she felt at losing someone… would anyone feel that way if I were to die?
Jaxon would be distraught, but he’s a child.
I have a brother, but we aren’t close. We occasionally send each other memes, but that’s the extent of our relationship.
Even Christmas for the past few years has just been Jaxon and I due to my parents separating and moving far away.
If Breanna and I were together, in a real relationship…
I quickly shake off those thoughts, refusing to entertain the vulnerability they bring. Admitting real feelings for Breanna would mean acknowledging a need for emotional connection, a craving for stability that goes against the persona I have carefully crafted. My pride, like a protective shield, shields me from the potential of genuine emotions.
Yet, deep down, a longing for the simple pleasures of a family, a connection, lingers. But I won’t open myself up to Breanna. I refuse to. There’s too much of a possibility of getting hurt.
Chapter seventeen
Breanna
After breakfast, I open the floor up to Jaxon to play whatever he wants to play. He immediately suggests a game of dinosaurs destroy the city. It involves a lot of building with blocks before Jaxon knocks them all down.
I actually don’t mind the game, even though it’s kind of repetitive.
Jaxon roars extra loudly, and I put my finger over my lips. “Remember that your daddy is trying to sleep,” I remind him, thinking about Harrison upstairs, half-naked sprawled across that enormous bed alone.
“I forgot! When is he gonna wake up?” Jaxon bounces as he asks the question, so much excited, little-boy energy in his body.
“I don’t know, but if you wake him up because you’re so loud, he’s probably not going to be happy about it.”
As Jaxon continues to play, his imagination running wild, I settle into the moment, content in the simple pleasure of spending time with him. Despite the complexities and uncertainties of my relationship with Harrison, these moments of connection with Jaxon serve as a reminder of the beauty and joy found in the simplicity of family bonds.
Taking care of Jaxon might just be a job, but to me, he’s becoming a light in my life, the one who makes me smile almost constantly.
As Jaxon finishes knocking down another tower with a clatter, the sound of footsteps descending the staircase catches my attention. Turning towards the source of the noise, I see Harrison, still rubbing the sleep from his eyes, making his way into the living room.
He’s wearing a thin, white T-shirt that does nothing to hide the biceps that look like nothing a doctor should have. His pajama pants look like some sort of family Christmas pajama set with their black and red gingham pattern.
"Good morning, Daddy!" Jaxon exclaims, his excitement palpable as he rushes to greet his father. I look away and study my hands as Jaxon reunites with his father like it’s been a week since he last saw him.
"Hey, buddy," Harrison replies with a tired but affectionate smile, ruffling Jaxon's hair before glancing at me. "Morning, Breanna."
"Morning," I respond, offering a smile in return. I want to light up when he’s around. There’s something about him that makes me want to be a better person in his presence.
I don’t understand the glow of affection I feel for him considering how he’s treated me. Jaxon fills the silence between us with excited chatter as he recounts what we’ve been playing, what he ate for breakfast, and anything else he can think of that his dad might have missed out on.
When Jaxon runs out of things to say, he grabs a dinosaur and goes back to knocking down the last few blocks that have been left standing.
Harrison, now fully awake, seems to have something on his mind as he settles onto the couch. I start automatically cleaning up the toys we aren’t using.
