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“Jesus.” My brother winced like my words caused him physical pain. “Don’t say that, Joe.”
“It’s the truth, Dar,” I retorted hoarsely. “I wouldn’t have made it to eighteen without her. Hell, I probably wouldn’t have made it to fifteen without her. You weren’t there. You didn’t see. I was a piece of shit. Sincerely. I was fucking terrible. To myself. To her. My behavior toward her was horrendous. I was the worst possible version of myself. And still, she stuck it out with me. She saw something worth saving in me, and she decided to love me anyway, and I am so fucking thankful that she did.” I shook my head. “You will never understand how much I owe that girl. How much I fucking worship the ground she walks on!”
“I know you love her,” he groaned, sounding pained. “I can see it, but it scares the hell out of me.”
“Why?”
“Because…” He stopped short and shook his head.
“Say it,” I pushed, already knowing what was on the tip of his tongue. “Tell them all how much I remind you of him. Just like I reminded Mam of him. You know, if you had said that to me three months ago, I would have crumbled,” I shot back. “But not anymore because I might not know who I am, Darren, but I sure as hell know who I’m not!”
“No, it’s not that,” he tried to coax. “It’s not you individually. It’s the two of you as a couple. When you get out of here, you don’t have a job, or school, or hurling, or anything to focus on except her. To me, that reeks of toxicity. It scares the damn hell out of me, Joey, because we’ve both seen what happens when teenagers who are obsessed with each other shack up and play house. We’ve lived through it, Joey, and I don’t want that for you. I don’t want you and Aoife becoming a second-generation version of them.”
“Jesus Christ.”
“Look, maybe I’m projecting my own trauma on your relationship here, Joe, but I’m so fucking scared for you. I’m so afraid of sitting back and watching you follow in Mam and Dad’s footsteps. It’s the only reason Mam and I tried to put a stop to it.”
“Put a stop to our relationship?”
When he didn’t respond, my blood ran cold.
“The pregnancy.”
“It was at the start.” His face reddened. “Early on.”
Of course they did.
“You tried to put a stop to my baby?” I bit out through clenched teeth. “Is that what you’re saying? You and Mam tried to convince Aoife to get rid of my baby?”
“Okay, I think we should take a short break.”
“I think he should answer the fucking question,” I snapped, ignoring my social worker’s attempts to defuse the situation. “What did you and Mam do to my girlfriend, Darren?”
“We didn’t do anything to your girlfriend,” he explained with a weary sigh. “I offered her an alternative.”
“Meaning you offered to foot the bill for an abortion?” When he didn’t reply, I choked out a humorless laugh. “I don’t fucking believe this.”
“Joey, please calm down.”
“And people wonder why I sank into addiction.” I shook my head and looked around the room. “Take a good fucking look, people. This right here is what I’ve been dealing with. My own mother and brother tried to do that to me!”
“I was trying to help you,” Darren tried to explain. “You’re too young to be a father.”
“I’ve always been a father!” I roared back, chest heaving. “And I’ve done a pretty fucking good job with the four I’ve raised. And yeah, I’m a mess, and yeah, I’m an addict, but I’m a good father! I’m a good fucking parent, Darren. I kept them alive. I kept them fed, and loved, and nurtured, and goddamn educated. I did that. Not you. Not him. Not Mam. Me. So, call me a junkie and whatever the hell else you want to call me, but don’t say that I’m too young to be a father!”
“I didn’t mean it like that,” he argued. “I meant that I didn’t want you saddled down with—”
“I want my baby, Darren!”
You could have heard a pin drop in the room.
Everything went eerily quiet.
Finally, Darren broke the silence when he said, “You do?”
“Damn straight I do,” I confirmed, furious. “How fucking dare you and Mam try to take that away from me.”
“I realize now that it wasn’t my place to get involved.”
