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My privacy was on borrowed time because Mam was pregnant again.
If she had a girl, I would lose my sanctuary.
“Shan!” Banging erupted on the other side of the bathroom door, dragging me from my impervious thoughts. “Hurry up, will ya! I’m bursting for a piss.”
“Two minutes, Joey,” I called back, then continued my assessment of my appearance. “You can do this,” I whispered to myself. “You can absolutely do this, Shannon.”
The banging resumed so I hastily dried my hands on the towel hanging on the rack and unlocked the door, eyes landing on my brother, who was standing in nothing but a pair of black boxers, scratching his chest.
His eyes widened when he took in my appearance, the sleepy expression on his face turning alert and surprised. He was sporting a roaster of a black eye from the hurling match he’d played in at the weekend, but that didn’t seem to worry a hair of his handsome head.
“You look…” My brother’s voice trailed off as he gave me that brotherly appraisal. I braced myself for the jokes he would inevitably make at my expense, but they never came. “Lovely,” he said instead, pale-green eyes warm and full of unspoken worry. “The uniform suits you, Shan.”
“Do you think it’ll be okay?” I kept my voice low so I didn’t wake the rest of our family.
Mam had worked a double shift yesterday, and she and Dad were both sleeping. I could hear my father’s loud snoring coming from behind their closed bedroom door, and the younger boys would have to be dragged from their mattresses later for school.
As per usual, it was just Joey and me.
The two amigos.
“Do you think I’ll fit in, Joey?” I asked, voicing my concerns aloud. I could do that with Joey. He was the only one in our family I felt I could talk to and confide in. I looked down at my uniform and shrugged helplessly.
His eyes burned with unspoken emotion as he stared down at me, and I knew he was up this early not because he was desperate to use the bathroom, but because he wanted to see me off on my first day.
It was 6:15 in the morning.
Like Tommen College, BCS didn’t start until 9:05 a.m., but I had a bus to catch and the only one passing through the area was at 6:45 a.m.
It was the first bus run of the day leaving Ballylaggin, but it was the only one that passed the school in time. Mam worked most mornings and Dad was still refusing to take me.
When I asked Dad about taking me to school last night, he had told me that if I’d get off my high horse and go back to Ballylaggin Community School like Joey and every other kid on our street, I wouldn’t need a lift to school.
“I’m so fucking proud of you, Shan,” Joey said in a voice that was thick with emotion. “You don’t even realize how brave you are.” Clearing his throat a couple of times, he added, “Hang on—I’ve got something for you.” With that, he padded across the narrow landing and into his bedroom, returning less than a minute later. “Here,” he muttered, fisting a couple of five-euro notes into my hand.
“Joey, no!” I immediately rebuffed the notion of taking his hard-earned money. He didn’t make much at the petrol station to begin with, and money was hard to come by in our family, so taking ten euro from my brother was unimaginable. “I can’t—”
“Take the money, Shannon. It’s only a tenner,” he instructed, giving me a no-nonsense expression. “I know Nanny gave you the bus money, but just have something in your pocket. I don’t know how shit works in that place, but I don’t want you going in there without a few quid.”
I swallowed the lump of emotion fighting its way up my throat and squeezed out, “Are you sure?”
Joey nodded, then pulled me in for a hug. “You are going to be grand,” he whispered in my ear, hugging me so tight I wasn’t sure who he was trying to convince or console. “If someone gives you even the hint of shit, then you text me and I will come over there and burn that fucking school to the ground and every posh little rugby-head fucker in it.”
That was a sobering thought.
“It’s going to be fine,” I said, this time putting some force into my voice, needing to believe the words. “But I’ll be late if I don’t get going, and that’s so not what I need on my first day.”
Giving my brother one last hug, I shrugged on my coat and grabbed my schoolbag, shouldering it onto my back before heading for the staircase.
“You text me,” Joey called out when I was halfway down the steps. “I’m serious. One sniff of crap from anyone and I’ll come sort it out for you.”
“I can do this, Joey,” I whispered, casting a quick glance at where he was leaning against the banister, watching me with concerned eyes. “I can.”
“I know you can.” His voice was low and pained. “I just… I’m here for you, okay?” he finished with a heavy exhale. “Always here for you.”
This was hard for my brother, I realized, as I watched him wave me off to school like an anxious parent would their firstborn. He was always fighting my battles, always jumping in to defend me and pull me to safety.
I wanted him to be proud of me, to see me as more than a little girl that needed his constant protection.
