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“But who w-will l-look after Gerard?” I strangled out. “Oh god, Shan, this is so wrong.”
“He’s with Johnny,” she replied, pulling back to offer me a tearful smile. “There isn’t anyone else in the world he’s safer with right now than him.”
“I don’t need to figure it out, Shan,” I choked out. “I know what I need to do.” It was the same thing I should have done with Dee. “I have to report this.” I swallowed deeply, feeling my chest heaving as my world imploded around me. “I have to tell.”
_______________
Shannon didn’t keep sanitary towels in her purse, but she did keep an emergency toothbrush and paste, something I found myself oddly grateful for.
It took a barricaded bathroom door and forty-five minutes of deep breathing exercises she’d learned from her trauma counselor to calm me down. In the end, she’d disappeared out of the bathroom, giving me strict instructions to stay put.
When she returned ten minutes later, it was with a tiny pill of diazepine she had somehow managed to weasel from Lizzie.
After another twenty minutes, I had managed to compose myself enough to return to the dance.
“Just keep smiling,” Shannon whispered in my ear, and then gave my hand a reassuring squeeze. “Two more hours and it’s all over, okay?”
Two more hours?
Wrong, wrong, wrong!
I couldn’t cope with the weight of my conscience as it threatened to drag me under.
My breath hitched in my throat when my bleary gaze landed on Gerard. He was on the dance floor with Johnny and Patrick, and throwing shapes like it was going out of fashion.
Always the joker.
Hiding his pain behind a smile.
“Oh god,” I choked out.
“No,” Shannon commanded, giving my hand another squeeze as she led me onto the dance floor to join our boyfriends. “For his sake.”
How could he do it? How could he live with his demons like this and mask his pain with a smile? I didn’t understand it, but I knew in my heart that I could never in good conscience allow it to happen another minute. He deserved to be saved, and I was determined to do that. Never again would I sit back and watch his head go under the water. I would bring him to the surface even if it meant drowning our relationship in the process.
“There’s my intended,” Gerard declared with a wolfish grin, dancing toward me. “Where the fuck have you been, Claire-Bear?” His breath was fused with alcohol, but his tone was warm and loving. “You missed some serious belters. The band are on fire!”
“Mmm.” I smiled as brightly as I could, but at best it was a watery one. I knew what Shannon said made sense. Don’t ruin his night. But that seemed implausible to me, considering Mark Allen had ruined his world so many years ago. And Caoimhe? Jesus, I had so many conflicting emotions right now that I was afraid to delve too deeply into them. Anger and resentment were keeping company with my devastation, and I was starving for justice.
“You good, Claire-Bear?”
Another nodding smile.
It was all I could do.
Do more, Claire.
Just take him by the hand and walk outside.
Tell him you know.
Put your arms around him and offer him a safe place to land.
Then take him to the Garda Station and press charges on that monster!
When the band started to play their own rendition of Mazzy Starr’s “Fade into You,” Gerard took my hand and led me onto the middle of the floor. Pulling me close, he kept one big hand flattened against the curve of my spine, while using the other to hold my hand to his chest. Our bodies moved in perfect synchrony, like we’d been born to dance this dance together.
My heart was aching, a desperate feeling of loss and longing weighing heavily on my soul, but he was here. He was trying. He was mine. Unable to take the pressure in my chest another second, I reached up and grabbed his face with my hands.
