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“That wasn’t your letter to read, Claire.”
“No, it wasn’t,” I agreed shakily. “But it also wasn’t your burden to carry alone, Gerard.”
He stared at me for a long beat before his shoulders sagged in defeat. “I was doing okay.” His dropped his head when he spoke. “I was doing just fine, Claire.”
“No.” I shook my head. “No, you weren’t.”
“How can you say that?” he demanded, tone hard.
“Because I know you better than I know myself,” I countered, unwilling to back down in such a colossal moment. “I’m only sorry that I didn’t see the signs earlier.”
“Signs,” he muttered under his breath.
“Yes, Gerard, signs,” I snapped, tone urgent. “We’ve all let you down here. Every last one of us, and for that, I am so damn sorry. I should’ve seen the signs. I should’ve been someone you could’ve come to, but I wasn’t, and I will never forgive myself for it.”
“Claire, please.” He groaned like he was in physical pain. “Can we not?”
“We have to,” I urged, hearing the heartbreak in my own voice. “Gerard, we have to talk about this. We have to go there.”
“I’ve never hurt you,” he choked out, eyes flashing with emotion when they locked on mine. “I’ve never hurt anyone. I was being a good person, doing good things, keeping up appearances, and I didn’t need the whole fucking world knowing what a weakling I am!”
“You think you’re weak?” My mouth fell open. “Gerard, you’re the strongest person I’ve ever known.”
“Bullshit,” he snapped back. “I feel more powerless now than I did when I was seven, Claire.”
“You do?” I sucked in a sharp breath, feeling horrified. “Why?”
“Because everyone knows.” Breathing hard, he reached up and shoved a hand through his blond hair. “I am so fucking humiliated and there’s nothing I can do about it. There’s no rewind button for me, Claire. I’m going to be tarred as a victim for the rest of my life.” A pained shudder escaped him. “I don’t know how I’m supposed to face school next week, much less the team, and all of my friends.”
“With your head held high,” I bit out, desperate to comfort and encourage him. “Because you did nothing wrong here!” My heart broke for him, and I couldn’t stop myself from reaching for his hand. “I never wanted to cause you any pain.” Thankfully, he didn’t push me away. Instead, he allowed me to entwine his fingers with mine. “But I couldn’t keep this secret.”
“I know you couldn’t,” came his broken whisper. “But now I don’t know if I can.”
I felt my heart splinter. “What does that mean?”
“I never wanted you to know about it, Claire. About that part of me. About that ugliness.” He shrugged, his attention focused on our joined hands. “And now you do, I don’t know how we move forward.”
“Together, Gerard,” I urged. “We move forward together. Because I’m still right here,” I croaked out, needing him to know that I would never leave. That I would always be here by his side. “I’m still your Claire-Bear.”
“It’s different now.”
“Different isn’t bad, Gerard.”
“I don’t know if I can be your Gerard anymore.”
An internal sensation that I could only assume felt similar to that of a straw breaking a camel’s back occurred, and I erupted.
“How dare you.” Furious, I snatched my hand back and pulled onto my knees. “How dare you say that to me?”
“Claire…”
“No, no, no.” Shaking my head, I scrambled for the opening, not stopping until I was at the bottom of the ladder and moving for the back door of my house.
“Jesus Christ, Claire, wait a minute, will you?”
“For what?” I called over my shoulder, hearing his footsteps crunching through the icy lawn. Was I exploding in frustration, or in anger, or in love? I couldn’t tell, but emotions were battering their way through my chest and out of my mouth. “For you to break up with me twice? I don’t think so, Gerard.”
“I’m trying to talk this out with you,” he snapped, catching ahold of the patio door before I could slam it shut. “That’s what you want, isn’t it? This horrible fucking conversation? I mean, this has to be what you want. It’s why you told the goddamn world about that letter.”
