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“No, Gerard, I told the world about that letter because I wanted to protect you! Because I wanted justice for you. Because I wanted to stop a pedophile from abusing other children! You’re having this conversation because you’re trying to block me out,” I argued back, reluctantly stepping aside for him to enter my kitchen. “You’re freezing me out, Gerard, because that’s what you do when it gets too deep. I jump and you falter.” When we were both inside the house, I slid the patio door shut with a loud thump. “That’s what you’ve always done, and I’m not putting up with it anymore.”
“Are you serious?”
“I’ve never been more serious in my life.” I turned to face him. “I won’t apologize for what I did because I love you. Do you hear me? I love you, Gerard Gibson. I love the boy you were, and I love the man you’ve become.” Releasing a frustrated growl, I stalked toward him and planted my hands on his chest. “And I will stand up for all of your forms, baby, boy, or man! I will fight for you even when you can’t do it for yourself because that’s what best friends do.” Knotting my fingers in his onesie, I glared up at him before adding, “And I will never apologize for it.”
Stormy gray eyes locked on mine. “You can’t love me the same way.”
“You’re right,” I agreed. “Because I love you more.”
“Don’t lie.” His voice was heartbreakingly vulnerable in this moment. “Please don’t say it if you don’t mean it.”
“I love you more,” I repeated, tone unwavering. “I want you more. I am disgustingly attracted to you, Gerard Gibson, and nothing about your past can change that.”
“Claire.” When his hands rested on my waist, an illicit shiver racked through me. A mirroring shiver racked through his big body. “I just… I don’t know where I’m supposed to go from here.”
My heart broke just a little bit more from his admission, and the truth was I didn’t know either, but I knew we were supposed to go on together. So, I told him just that. “We, Gerard.” Reaching up, I pushed my hand through his hair and offered him what I hoped was a reassuring smile. “Where we go from here. We’re a team, remember?”
A melancholy mixture of sadness and hope filled his eyes. “You really mean it, don’t you?”
“Yep.”
“So, where do we go from here, Claire-Bear?”
“Well.” I shrugged. “I could start by wishing you a happy new year and you could follow it on by kissing me.”
“Is that so?” A familiar smile ghosted his lips, and I soaked it in. “Then you better start.”
Clearing my throat, I smiled up at him. “Happy New Year, Ger…”
My words were swallowed up by his lips when they crashed down on me.
Immersed in the feel of his big body pressed to mine, of his lips on my lips, and his skin on mine I kissed him back with a hunger that bordered on frenzied. Because every second of panic, pain, guilt, and fear of the unknown that had built its way up inside of me since the dance was exploding out of my head and into this kiss.
“I love you,” he whispered, lips trailing from my cheek to the curve of my neck. “It’s always been you, Claire-Bear.”
I knew he was telling the truth because it was the same for me. It had always been him. No one else got a look in.
“I just need some time to figure out who I’m supposed to be now,” he explained hoarsely when he broke our kiss. “I’ve been hiding for so long that I don’t even know who I am.” Expelling a shaky breath, he rested his hands on my shoulders and offered me a vulnerable shrug. “And I’m going to need some time to do that.”
83
Snakes and Ladders
GERARD
Everything felt like it was upside down.
I knew that statement didn’t make sense, but it was how my life felt since the winter ball. Keith was gone, my mother was in manic helicopter-mother mode, and I was slowly losing my shit one hug at a time.
I wanted my mother’s attention and affection about as much as I needed it, which was not at all.
Because it made it worse.
Because it made it more real.
My secret was out, the whole world knew, and I couldn’t change the narrative. I was a publicly proclaimed victim and I fucking loathed it.
The thought of school on Monday was almost too much to take, and I honest to God had no idea how I was going to face the team. In truth, I had a strong inclination to sell my soul for a rewind and erase button.
