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Nik sighed and shook his head, hardly able to meet my gaze. With defeat, he murmured, “I can’t. It isn’t that easy.”
“But it could be.”
Finally looking at me, that veil of panic covered his eyes. “Really, I can’t. You don’t just leave your position with the mob like leaving a retail job. You’re sworn in, promised to serve that boss for life. If you desert for any reason at all, that’s immediate grounds for a manhunt. This kind of thing can’t be done lightly.”
While I understood what he was saying, I couldn’t help but see an immediate solution. “My brothers wouldn’t let that happen. They’re loyal and they treat their men like family. You’d be safe with them.”
“Say that’s true, what happens when I go anywhere outside of work when I don’t have their security detail? What happens when I try to enter a store and find myself captured, tortured, and killed for leaving Erasmo?” he questioned, growing more desperate from the deeply rooted fear he couldn’t keep hidden.
Not equipped with an answer for that, I blinked back at him and shrugged. “I don’t know—”
“Exactly my point. I’m not prepared to look over my shoulder before every move I make. It’s bad enough as it is having enemies in the city.”
Pulling in a steadying breath, I added, “You’ll be hunted down anyway if you work against my family. You heard Yaro. If you get in the way of their operations, they won’t care about the fact that we’re legally married. If you don’t make that decision, they will make it for you, and there won’t be anything I can do about it.”
To even my surprise, I found myself wanting and hoping for Nik to concede. I didn’t want us to lose out on the chance to be safe and discover where our relationship could end up. Despite my resistance, I wanted us to be something real, and to not waste our potential.
I couldn’t do that if he was dead.
“You don’t think I know that?” Nik snapped back, visibly shaken by the weight of it all. The weight I wished I could take off his shoulders, but the only way I could do that involved bringing him into the Levov fold. “I sat through it as your brothers analyzed me and decided I was their enemy based on my associations. They saw me as just another poor sucker being used as cannon fodder by his boss—someone they wouldn’t hesitate to shoot on sight if it came down to it. That disdain and judgment were palpable, yet there was nothing I could do to change it. Do you know how disheartening it is to have your wife’s family label you as their next target? That wasn’t what I wanted for either of us, but now I have no choice but to pick between the boss I swore to serve, and the family ready to eliminate me at a moment’s notice. This isn’t something I can decide in a single afternoon.”
My shoulders slumped as that guilt swam within my chest, aware that we were forced to be on opposite sides of the feud, even if we both wanted to be somewhere in the middle. “Nik—”
He let go of a bitter laugh and shook his head again. “The worst part is, I caused all of this myself. I kidnapped you from your lecture because I couldn’t be without you. My mind was so fucked up over you that I couldn’t let it go and I did something reckless because of it. I know I crossed the line, and now I have to live with those consequences. Even if my neck is on the line right now, I don’t regret marrying you. In some sick way, every problem that has arisen since then feels worth it to have you here with me. Even though I hurt you before, everything I did was to keep you safe. Regardless of how angry I was, it came from a place of wanting to protect you, despite how it looked.”
His words were so raw and sincere that they took me by surprise, and I found myself at a loss. My face softened as he stepped closer, sidestepping the countertop, eyes fixed completely on me.
“I tried to believe I wanted to get back at you for not telling me you were a Levov. I wanted to think that I planned to uproot your life for the betterment of my boss. I hoped I would believe my own lies long enough to block out the fact that I needed you, and I wasn’t willing to give up on us,” Nik admitted, reaching for my hand as he enveloped it in his own. “There’s no point in lying to myself or you. I’m terrified of making the wrong move, because more than anything else, I want to make sure you’re happy and protected as you should be. I want us to feel like we did that night in Europe, but for the rest of our lives.”
Looking up at him, I felt as the last of my resistance began to crumble, and that irritation at his refusal to disavow his boss simmered away to nothing.
Able to look through all my previous anger for him, I knew he was telling the truth. Regardless of how twisted it all seemed, from the kidnapping to the forced marriage, I couldn’t help but see that man I had grown close to in such a short amount of time again. The one who made me feel like I was the last woman on earth with him, but even if others turned up, he would still choose me anyway.
I didn’t want to fight with him. I wanted us to be on the same page and to figure everything out together.
As pressing as the need for him to make a decision was, at that moment, I couldn’t think about it anymore. I could only see a man in front of me who needed us to work out—who was prepared to risk everything just so we could be together.
Our situation was far from ideal, but as I took in his handsome face, I couldn’t resist him. At that point, I didn’t want to.
Taking a step closer, I closed that space between us and found myself craving the feeling of his touch again.
Fortunately, Nik seemed to read my mind as he leaned in and captured my face in his hands before he crashed our lips together.
Like returning home after a long trip away, his warmth surrounded me, and I let that pleasant fog fill my head.
Pressing into him, I returned the affection eagerly, not prepared to let it go just yet. Chasing after those sparks of pleasure that moved through me, I deepened the kiss greedily.
With a pleased sigh, Nik dropped a hand to my waist and pulled me impossibly close, not willing to separate for even a moment.
Even if we weren’t out of the woods yet, and a lot was still up in the air, the risk felt worth it for the chance to be held by him.
Chapter 20 - Anastasia
It was impossible to be upset with Nik when his lips were so enticing. When he knew exactly how to hold and touch me every time, disarming me with very little effort.
The feeling of his hands on me helped me forget about everything else. To let go of those concerns and frustrations for his refusal to give in and leave his boss behind.
His lips devouring mine put the brakes on those worries and reminded me they could be fussed over later. But this passion was fleeting, and if I missed it, I didn’t know the next time it would come back around.
