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I missed the first half of the conversation because of the ringing in my ear, but I zoned back in when Deidre said, “So it’s decided then. Only Dan and I will have any say in the raising of our child. She doesn’t get to have a say in anything regarding my child. The first sign of her becoming too involved, I’ll go to court and sue for parental alienation.”
“She won’t be involved; you don’t have to worry,” Cecile assured the stranger, who scoffed in my direction as if I was the one who’d wronged her. I looked at Dan again, but this time, he was pretending to read the menu.
Everyone ordered a meal, but all I could stomach was a can of ginger ale to settle my upset stomach. It didn’t work. For the next hour and a half, the three of them discussed custody once the baby was here.
Deidre had a lot of demands, one of them being that Dan had to accompany her to doctor’s appointments. I was not allowed, of course, and again, it was reiterated that I was to have nothing to do with their child.
“If I didn’t know better, I’d think you got me pregnant so you can give my child to her. Let me warn you now: that’s never going to happen. This is my baby, and I’ll never give him away to anyone.”
“Him? It’s a boy?” Dan all but jumped across the booth to hug her while his mother beamed from ear to ear.
I had that struggle again, separating betrayer from friend. I felt so alone, so lost, so hurt. But how can that be? My person was sitting right there, not two feet away. How could I feel so adrift and alone?
I think that was the first time I felt the first little tear in the only remaining corner of my heart that hadn’t been stomped on. This whole thing felt as if it were happening to someone else, and I was just a spectator looking on from the outside.
I didn’t even finish the can of soda since it had no taste and was stifling me with each sip I took. Outside, Dan said goodbye to her, the woman who was carrying his child. It was only when she stood to leave that I realized she was already showing.
I wanted to bolt, but my feet wouldn’t work. We walked back to the car after Dan saw her safely to hers. In the car on the way back, he and his mom spoke with excitement about the coming baby.
Dan talked about the nursery he was going to make for the baby for when he’s with us, or with him anyways. How was this gonna work? How was I supposed to be there with a child that, from the sounds of it, I wasn’t even allowed to hold?
That night, I went to bed with a headache. I was exhausted both mentally and physically. It was the first night since the revelation that we didn’t have sex.
The next few weeks were a blur. Dan came home excited each night with some new thing he’d found for his son. He’d started painting the nursery, which had once been my office but was now for the baby since it was closest to the master suite, other than the one guestroom on that floor.
I stood outside the door as he walked into the room to place the child-sized teddy bear he’d just brought home. As I stood there, I realized that I hadn’t felt anything in a while, not just in this situation but with everything. I don’t know when it started exactly, but I realized that I hadn’t had any real feelings in days.
Not hurt, not anger, not hate, none of it. I felt nothing. Even at work, the things that would usually frustrate me seemed to go right over my head. No wonder everyone kept asking if I was okay. And here I was, thinking that I was holding up so well.
I’ve been able to avoid my mother by using texts and claiming to be bogged down with work. I don’t remember the last time I ate, not since the night with the pizza. I walked away from the nursery door and headed for the en suite bathroom in the master bedroom.
According to the scale, I had lost ten pounds. That can’t be right, can it? I walked over to the mirror and looked at myself. Nothing seemed different except for the dullness in my eyes. My face did look a bit slimmer; I could see the definition in my cheekbones, but that was about it.
I stepped off the scale and went back downstairs to see about dinner, even that I did by rote. Spaghetti Bolognese, Dan’s favorite. I plated his dinner with a side of homemade garlic bread and a glass of wine. He talked while I cleaned up the kitchen. I don’t think he even realized that I hadn’t eaten. That was fine, though; I didn’t feel like arguing with him about my eating habits just then.
That night, I wasn’t as enthusiastic as I’d been lately, but I don’t think he noticed that either. I just laid there and let him do what he wanted until he was done. From the way he huffed after he pulled out and settled down on his pillow with a smile and a sigh, I knew he was pleased.
He talked about the nursery and his plans going forward, and I listened, each word another thousand-pound weight on my chest, right where my heart lives.
That night, at about midnight, his phone rang. I was half asleep but came fully awake when I realized who was on the phone. “That was Deidre, she has a craving. I’m gonna go grab her some ice cream; you go back to sleep.
I wanted to forbid him to go, I wanted to yell and scream. I wanted to do a lot of things, but in the end, I did nothing and said nothing. I watched through tear filled eyes as he got up and got dressed. He leaned over to kiss me goodbye before hurrying out the door.
That night was just the first in a long line of consecutive nights where Deidre called at all hours with some order or the other, and each time; Dan ran to do her bidding. I got into the new routine and didn’t make any waves.
I kept telling myself that once the baby came, things would go back to some semblance of order, but that was before she decided that she needed to see the nursery; she wanted to come into my home.
I put my foot down this time and insisted that she not be allowed into my space, but once again, I was overruled by Cecile, and Dan begged me to let her have her way for the baby’s sake. So once again I bit my tongue and threw myself into cleaning so that the woman who was taking over my life wouldn’t find fault with my housekeeping.
I ran to the bedroom and locked the door the minute I heard the car pull up outside in the driveway. I ran to the bathroom and threw up bile and water. I was sweaty and hot and had to rest my head against the coolness of the toilet for some relief.
I could hear them through the wall, hear the tone of her voice but not her words. I stuffed my hand in my mouth to keep the sound of my tears from echoing and threw up all over my fist. I jumped in the shower to get cleaned up, and by the time I came out, she was gone.
Cecile was still there with a sour look on her face. “Do you have to be so dramatic? You couldn’t show your face for two seconds just to say hi? Look, Dan is having a child with Deidre whether you like it or not, so you’d better get with the program.”
“Come on, Mom; this is hard for Amanda; give her a break.”
‘That’s all fine and well, but there’s a child involved, so the adults need to put their petty feelings aside for the benefit of the innocent child.”
