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She lifts her head. “What?”
I didn’t mean to offer, but I’m not about to walk it back. “Here. In this realm, in my territory. You should stay. Even after the seven years have expired.”
Her eyes go big. “That’s...” She swallows hard. “That’s an option?”
“Yes. If you want it to be.” I press a light kiss to her forehead and rise, tugging her to her feet. “It’s your choice, Belladonna. It’s always been your choice. My people adore you.”
“They don’t know me. I’ve only been here a week.” She looks away and slips her hand from mine. “Eventually I’ll disappoint them.”
“None of that.” Maybe I should let her retreat, but I can’t quite manage to. I catch her chin lightly and turn her face back to mine. “We all disappoint people sometimes. It’s part of life. That doesn’t mean you don’t deserve peace.”
“Peace.” Her gaze goes distant before refocusing on me with new intentness. “You’d let me stay.”
“Yes. Regardless of whether you decide to go through with a pregnancy. Regardless of anything. Bogdan will need to take an apprentice soon; he’s been putting it off for years, but he likes you. Or, if the gardens don’t interest you, there are many other options.”
She’s looking at me as if she’s never seen me before. “You really mean that. All of it.”
“Yes.” There’s no other answer. It’s the truth.
“What happens if we keep doing this?” She waves vaguely around us, where sex still hangs heavy in the air. “What happens if it goes badly? You won’t want to see me around. What if we do this, and we have a child, and then it doesn’t work out?”
Ah. I could tell her that I’ve never done this before. I’ve had lovers and partners, many of whom are still friends, but anytime the connection with one of those people threatened to distract me from my responsibilities, I ended things. The happiness I felt with them was too selfish to allow to continue. My people needed me, and they were worth any amount of heartbreak I experienced personally. It always hurt, but ultimately it was an easy choice to make.
It feels different with Belladonna. I’ve never felt the ground crumbling beneath my feet and experienced exhilaration instead of fear. I’ve never wanted to wrap up a lover and protect them from everything—including the sacrifices required to benefit the whole of my territory. Until now.
Admitting as much will panic her. It might even put pressure on this thing that isn’t even a thing, not quite. “I am leader of this territory, and I will continue to put the good of the territory before any personal feelings. I can’t imagine it becoming an issue, but if for some reason I couldn’t perform my duties fairly, I’d step down.” I take a deep breath, not prepared to deal with the surge of feelings that comes from the idea of a child of mine and Belladonna’s. “Obviously a child would complicate things, but that possible future is still far away. I don’t want to make decisions based on fear, little one. I want to make them with hope in my heart.”
“You can’t step down.” She stumbles back a step. “Not because of me.”
“I have no intention of it becoming an issue.” This conversation has already gotten too tangled. She’s only been here a week, and she already has me twisted up in knots. I don’t know how any of us will survive seven years, let alone longer. “Come on. I’ll see you to your bedroom.”
She’s silent up the stairs and down the hall, but as we reach her door, Belladonna digs in her heels. “You have to know how abnormal it is for things to be this easy, this good. Surely you can understand why it feels like a trap?”
Her words hurt, little cuts that make me bleed. I refuse to show it. It’s not her fault. “What is normal, Belladonna?”
She opens her mouth, but I press forward.
“Is it guilt and shame poured onto the shoulders of the young, a thousand instances of telling them that that they’re flawed and dirty and wrong?” I shake my head. “That’s not my normal. It never will be. I understand that this is a large change for you—for both of us—and it’s difficult to process, but what you feel over natural desires is not normal—if such a thing even exists.”
Her mouth works, and I almost leave without waiting for her to find her words. But that would be cruel and selfish in its own right. She slumps back against the door frame, then finally speaks. “You’re right. I’m sorry.”
“Stop apologizing.” I take a breath and try to temper the sharpness of my tone. “Please.”
“It’s proper to apologize when one is wrong,” she says tartly, but the sass fades immediately. “How does your god feel about shame and guilt?”
I shrug. “I don’t have an easy answer for you, little one. Those emotions are part of life. It’s only when they take over and unbalance everything that it’s a problem. We don’t have a set of rules to follow. We use our instincts. Worship and faith look a little different for each individual.”
“I don’t understand that,” she whispers. “I’m trying to, but it’s so hard to unlearn things that were drilled into my head as fact for so long.”
“Give yourself grace. It’s only been a week.”
She shifts from foot to foot. “Rusalka?”
“Yes?”
Belladonna opens the door and steps into her room. “Would you like to come in?” She must see the polite refusal in my face, because she straightens her shoulders. “Would you like to come in and stay? The night. Naked, preferably. If you want to.”
I blink. Of all the things I anticipated her saying, this wasn’t on the list. I tentatively taste her emotions, half-sure that she’s using me to flog herself, but her shame is a dull undertone compared to her bright desire. Her feelings aren’t purely lust either. She... cares.
