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He had shown this team he was a fair, even-keeled man, not one to fly off the handle or be at all moody. But the Joker he’d known before the crash wasn’t the same man who sat next to him. He had changed, and Buck was at a loss to know exactly why. The way he’d reamed him out over Mari still stung a bit. It wasn’t that he had ordered Buck to do it. It was that he hadn’t seemed at all sympathetic to Buck’s internal struggle in the matter. That’s what had rankled and put a wedge between them.
He hated like hell it was there, but he’d learned to let sleeping dogs lie. Things had a way of working themselves out. Like his mom liked to say, Give it time. It always works out in the wash.
Once they were back at the plantation, there was a short debrief. Things were still ongoing with the FBI’s investigation. As everyone rose to head to the house for dinner, Joker said, “Hold up.”
The guys sat back down. He stood in front of them for a moment, then took a hard breath. “I haven’t been the best leader these past two months.” He met Buck’s eyes without flinching, and there was the glimmer of the old Joker. The man who stood ready to discuss whatever needed to be resolved. “I apologize for that.” There was the beginning of a low rumble, but he held up his hand. “No excuses, but I appreciate your support.” He braced himself against the table behind him. “Our last mission was tough. You all had to step up and take over since I was incapacitated. I’m extremely proud of you for the way you carried on. This team has been one who challenged me from the beginning. Something I cherish. But I’m not too big to point out when I’ve been a dick.” There were some chuckles. When they quieted down, he continued. “Suffice it to say, I was going through some personal struggles, ones that centered around my wife, Pippa, and I didn’t handle them well with her or with you. My luck is that she’s married to me, and you're under my command. So, for the time being, you’re all stuck.” He folded his arms across his chest, a ghost of a smile touching his mouth. “I was reminded that a good leader doesn’t take his problems out on the people around him.” He looked at Buck again, who nodded slightly. Joker gave him a grateful look. “My single-minded need to get Nacho has driven me. I’m no less motivated now than I was before, but I recognize that I’m letting him destroy me. That stops now.” He straightened. “We’re going to protect these people to the best of our ability; we’re going to bring that bastard down, and his whole network. That’s a promise.”
There was nothing but respect, nods of agreement, and a couple of hoo-yahs.
“Now, go get some grub,” Joker said. Everyone rose and started for the door. “Buck? Could you stay for a moment?”
As everyone filed out, Buck walked up to his CO, his chest tight. “It’s not necessary?—”
“Yes, it’s goddamned necessary,” he growled, his expression intent and introspective. The lines of tension carved around his mouth deepened. “Maybe I heard some things I needed to hear.” Again, he kept Buck’s gaze, a frown appearing as he continued, his voice quiet and quite strained. “Most of my mood has been sour because of the way Pippa looked when I woke up. She was overwhelmed with emotion, scared mostly, and that hit me hard.” He looked away, working at keeping his own emotions under control. “No one can prepare our loved ones for what happens to us on the battlefield. We all keep that under wraps because we have a job to do, but I don’t have to tell you, it exacts a heavy toll.” He released a hard breath. “I’ve been a bastard to her these last two months while I was recuperating.”
“SEALs make lousy patients, and I’ve been there this past month, too, with my own family.
“She didn’t complain one bit, which only seemed to set me off even more. Her commitment—” Joker exhaled heavily, his profile set in troubled lines. “...is so deep, it humbles me, Sam. I didn’t feel worthy of being her husband or your CO for some time.”
Stricken by his words, Buck felt denial bubble up inside him. “That’s bullshit, Elias. Fucking unadulterated bullshit and you know it. That crash was out of our control. We don’t sweat that. We push through it. We did that because that’s what our training, and you, taught us to do. Were mistakes made? Hell yeah, the DEA didn’t anticipate a few things, and we all paid the price. But that’s not on you.”
“I know that now.” He finally met Buck’s gaze, his face drawn, a disturbing expression in his eyes. He stared at him for a moment, then looked down. “Your comment cut me and brought me to my senses. I’m very sorry about how I treated you when you were only trying to make me understand how much this mission compromised your principles.” He looked up and met his gaze. “I realize I’ve been cold and unfeeling about your relationship with Mari. It must have been difficult to switch gears after getting involved with her on a personal level.” The muscles in his throat worked, then he swallowed.
“It doesn’t change anything,” Buck said, “But I appreciate your words. It was difficult, and I feel this mission tested me and compromised me on a personal level. I’m not sure yet whether it damaged our relationship or not,” he said gruffly. “She’s special to me, and I hope after all this is over, she understands that.”
“Make sure she does,” Joker said. “Nothing about our job is easy, Buck, but we know what we signed up for. It’s just a matter of making it clear to anyone who gets involved with a SEAL where we stand and where we fall.”
“Ain’t that the truth.”
“Let’s get up to the house before those knuckleheads inhale all of Mrs. Navarro’s delicious food.”
Buck chuckled, but the knot in his gut told him there was so much more to talk to Mari about. The thought of losing her made that knot tighten.
* * *
Her bedroom was dim, the light had faded a while ago, and supper would be almost over. She stood at the French door, looking out.
The longer she was away from Buck, the more her uncertainty grew. The more she realized that her whole family situation dropped firmly on her shoulders, and she lost that sense of herself all over again, only infinitely painful this time, the more she felt disconnected. How could she choose anything different than her family business? The risk to them was too great to even contemplate handing their fate over to someone else, someone who she wasn’t sure of all of a sudden.
She pushed away her need to confide in him, squeezing her eyes shut as her vision blurred, her throat so tight she couldn’t even swallow. She wasn’t angry at Buck, not really. He hadn’t been playing games. He’d been doing his job, and the kind of man Buck was, there wasn’t anything remotely easy about his assignment.
Her. His assignment had been her.
For an instant she doubted him. She knew Sam Buckard, and if he was handling her, he was doing it under orders. She knew what kind of man he was—the kind she wanted, the kind she needed, and so help her God, the kind of man she could fall in love with.
And when that assignment was over. What then? Some impossible relationship? He would do his job here and go back to San Diego, or on to his next deployment, and she would continue on with her plan to expand the Golden Grain and fulfill her responsibility. Right? What was she thinking? Coffee heiress meets Navy SEAL. Yeah, like that was ever going to work.
The memory of him sprawled naked in the sheets in LA flowed over her like molten lava. She pushed it away.
It was only now that she realized how careful he’d been not to be alone with her, and when he was, he was careful to keep himself in check. Maybe his passion for her had fizzled out when she’d become part of his mission.
She gritted her teeth and gathered her courage. She was going to need it for tomorrow. She left her room and made her way through the kitchen. She could hear the noise of the gathering, the laughter, and the teasing banter. She wished she could feel as light-hearted as she’d been the first night she saw the SEALs on her family’s patio and realized Buck was here.
She paused as she came out of the house, her stomach in knots. She wasn’t sure she could eat a bite. Even without thought, she sought him out.He was standing at the post again, like the first night she’d seen him with one shoulder braced against the frame, and she could tell by the way he was standing, he was deep in thought.
As Mari watched him, the earlier feelings of uncertainty rose up in her, and she experienced an unaccustomed sense of insecurity. That by itself was very unsettling. During her time with Buck, insecurity had been as foreign to her as was loneliness. But now her immunity was gone, and her apprehension bred an uncertainty that left her feeling strangely exposed and even more threatened. Desperately needing his assurance, she ached to go to him.
Then she caught glimpses of her family plantation stretched out behind him to the still-bright horizon, purple shadows and silhouettes darkening the landscape. She knew where her loyalties needed to be placed. No matter how much it hurt, she had to stand by Diego, stand by her family.
