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Holden swallowed. “Is it constant?”
“No, but mostly yes.”
“Do painkillers help?”
“Sometimes they take the edge off. That’s about it. The only thing that helps is weed.” He gave Holden a self-conscious smile as though he thought Holden might pick up the phone and dial the cops. “But I don’t have any and don’t know where to get any in Clear Water.”
Holden regarded him for several seconds before he said, “Good job I have some then.”
Tyler’s eyes widened. “You do?”
Holden nodded. Their gazes held for the longest time while Holden battled himself back and forwards.
That bastard you once were at the height of your addiction would now use this as a bargaining chip, you know that, right?
What sort of bargaining chip?
Like you don’t fucking know. The weed in exchange for sexual favors.
I’m not sure I’m that bastard anymore.
Aren’t you? What’s changed to make you an angel?
What Leo did to me has changed me. I haven’t thought about sex or had it in months, not until I moved here. I don’t want to ever hurt or use anyone the way he did me or the way other men have. Not anymore.
You sure? Don’t you want to ask him to get on his knees? Or don’t you want to explain that you want to suck his cock in exchange for a joint? That you need him to use you hard, make you feel like that despicable person you know you are?
He stared into Tyler’s clear grey eyes. My God, what a horror I would be if I did that. If I actually did it. But once upon a time, I would have done it without hesitation.
Tyler licked his lips. “I don’t have any money right now, but when I do, could I maybe…buy some from you?”
Holden’s heart broke a little. He shook his head. “No money required. Wait there.” He stood and walked through to the kitchen. In the drawer next to the fridge sat his stash tin with a ready-made joint. He wasn’t a big smoker; this stash had come from his previous life and was months old. Now he suddenly wanted very much to use it. With Tyler.
He found a lighter and went back into the living room, holding the joint for Tyler to see. “Here’s one I made earlier.”
Tyler smiled. It held anticipation and need. But only, it seemed, for what Holden held in his hand. He imagined for a moment smoking the weed, then making slow, stoned love with Tyler. He liked that idea a lot. More than he could say.
“I’m not a pot head,” Holden said.
“Never thought you were.” Tyler’s eyes danced with amusement.
“Let’s go outside. I’ll take your bottle.” He walked over as Tyler held the bottle out, hopping to his foot and leaning on one crutch. For a moment they were close together and Holden smelled Tyler’s clean, fresh scent and a hint of cologne. So fucking good. Enough to stir his cock in shameful ways. The more he thought sexually about Tyler, the more he berated himself as a dirty old man. He took the bottle and their fingers brushed. The beer was almost gone. “I’ll get you another. Go on out.”
“I’m not an alcoholic,” Tyler shouted after him as he went into the kitchen.
Holden laughed. “Never thought you were.” He procured two more beers and held them in one hand while he carried the joint and lighter in the other. Tyler had already gone outside and Holden followed him out, finding him seated on one of the chairs overlooking the lawn.
Holden placed the beers on the table. He took the chair from the opposite side of the table and placed it next to Tyler. For ease of passing the joint back and forward. Not for any other reason.
Yeah, right.
He settled down. The sun had gone behind a large grey cloud and the temperature had dropped to more bearable levels. He sparked the lighter and lit the joint, sucking smoke into his lungs. For a moment he held it before a long, pleasurable exhale. It felt good. It had been too long since he had sought any relief in any of his vices—weed, alcohol or sex. The latter was the only one he was addicted to though. Then he remembered Tyler and reminded himself that the veteran should be having the lion’s share of this joint, not Holden. Altruism, remember? It makes you feel good.
He held the joint out. Their gazes met before Tyler took it and once more their fingers brushed. Holden watched as he placed the joint between his sensual lips and sucked in deep. Holden took a drink of beer as he watched the smoke come out of Tyler’s nostrils. Tyler offered the joint back. Holden shook his head. “Go ahead.”
Tyler gave him a look, maybe of gratitude. He took another drag, resting back in his chair and closing his eyes as he exhaled. Holden watched him. Tyler gave it a few seconds, then took a third hit. This time he sighed. “That’s fucking good.”
“Is it helping?”
