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I flinch. I wasn’t aware she was helping Raine research a cure for the blight. Didn’t I tell him not to mention it to her? I lower my shoulders and groan internally. Good thing they didn’t run off telling everyone.
“Then go speak with him,” I mutter indifferently.
She shoves me and I play along, falling back on her bed. Terra stands and looks down at me with that serious look she gets when she studies. I’ve grown fond of it.
“Come with me,” she begs and I can’t help but laugh.
“No. I won’t be doing that. You seem reliant on Arthur though, have him go with you. He’s chummy with Kallos.”
Her brow raises. “Do you not get along with Kallos?”
I stare emptily at her ceiling, the stars and novas colliding and burning into the universe. Of course we get along. He’s one of the first Shadows, like I am, but I’ll always be the outcast. Always the burden. If he truly has the cure, it’s only because I blighted our comrades. It’s my fault and I don’t feel like facing those demons today.
I settle for shutting my eyes and muttering, “Don’t press me on this, sweetheart.”
She huffs but goes back to her desk to continue her studies.
I get up and leave after staring at her ceiling for the better part of thirty minutes. The homeroom has been empty since Edgar’s incident. It’s almost as if no Novas are here at all. Just like it was before.
My study is cold. I leave the fireplace off and sit in the dark for a while, thinking of long-dead ghosts and how I wasn’t there for Kallos after it all went down. I fist my hands through my hair and lower my head.
Don’t think about it. Don’t let them in, I chide myself.
I’ll never be able to make up for those sins. Not ever.
46
Finn
Kai and Corvus leave for dinner. I wave them off and stay behind, lying back on the homeroom sofa and trying to decide whether I want to visit Edgar in the infirmary. Kallos told me that Edgar will be there until the exam. I’ve known him since we were children, yet I don’t think it’d be right for me to go. Fuck, what would I even say to him? “Sorry, you got all your friends butchered?”
The more we try to fix things, the worse it gets.
The door clicks and I lift my head to see who’s already back from dinner. Terra stands there, looking at me with the familiar kind eyes I remember from our time before the Skyfell. I smile at her and she walks over to me, sitting down on the sofa and hugging me tightly. I lower my arm around her and breathe in her pine scent.
“I thought we weren’t meeting until tonight?” I ask in a hushed voice. She nuzzles into my arms more and my smile stretches. “I’m not complaining.”
“Tell me everything is going to be okay.” She buries her face into my shoulder as I lean back more, letting our bodies rest comfortably on the couch.
I hesitate, squeezing my arms around her tighter. “You know I can’t lie to you. I wish more than anything that I could, but after Edgar—” I whisper painfully, letting the sentence die out because she knows as well as I do how it ends.
She lets a few sad half laughs out and pulls away slowly. Her eyes are rimmed with red, not from crying but from exhaustion. The love of my life looks so fucking tired.
“I know,” she murmurs and draws circles on my arm, resting her head. We cuddle for a while and discuss Shadows and what we’re expecting to come from the second exam.
“I wonder how many of us are going to be sent to Whales of Tauh,” Terra whispers. It’s morbid, but it’s very likely we’ll be sent there. “I don’t want to kill people, Finn.”
Her heart has always been her weakness. Aren’t morals what keeps us human and sane, though? I hope she never gives in to the darkness.
I think for a moment, rubbing my thumb across her shoulder. “I’ll kill if I have to. Even in the exam, we probably won’t have a choice.”
She stills beside me. “What if you get sent to Whales? Will you kill our own people in cold blood?” Her question is cruel but she doesn’t say it unkindly. She’s honestly asking.
My stomach turns sour. “That won’t happen.”
“Why?”
“Because Whales of Tauh is a fortress stronger than any other in the world. It would take an insane amount of power to get through their walls. And the fact that even Elias can’t get into the city speaks volumes. Even if Fernestia somehow breaks in, I wouldn’t fight.”
