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But deep down, I know that a part of me will always hold out hope that Chris will come back and make things right, even if that hope is foolish and unrealistic. The weight settles low in my stomach. Maybe it’s resignation, even though I've resigned to this fate for years. The fate of loving someone who will never love me back.
It’s hard to let go of him. I still care about him so deeply, even if he had hurt me more than I thought was possible.
I clear my desk and start packing up to leave since it's almost closing time.
She purses her lips. “I hope he proves you wrong soon,” she says simply before getting up. “Take good care of your heart, girl.” She turns and leaves me to myself.
I never meant for it to escalate like it did. I take a deep breath and try to push the thoughts aside, but they linger, taunting me with their uncertainty.
Chapter 18
Chris
I try my best to act normal, to prove to myself it was nothing more than a simple deal. Yet, I'm still feeling broken, something that really surprises me.
For days now I've been trying hard to prove to myself that I'm okay, to push away the thoughts that come back every time I'm not busy.
My mind keeps playing tricks on me that the so-called simple deal is everything I ever wanted in a relationship. I used to mock couples, wondering why two people would bind themselves to everlasting pain. But then I started spending just as much time with one woman, talking, eating, making out, and having deep, hard sex. Then, I finally understood why.
“Will you just quit staring at your phone if you don't give a damn like you said?” Luke scolds, and my eyes land on him with a hard stare.
We are seated in my personal private booth at my club. I had roped him into a night of fun. But since we got here, he keeps complaining that I'm bumming him out. If I am, why has he not left?
“I'm not staring at my phone.”
He scoffs and points to my phone, which is on the table beside me. “You keep glancing at it every ten seconds as if you are expecting a text or call from her. I will just tell you that you are just wasting your time waiting.”
I down another shot of liquor, relishing the burn, knowing I'm having more than I should. Yet, it does nothing to dull the ache inside of me.
“Who says I'm waiting?” I move to empty another bottle of brandy for self-preservation. I just want to forget everything.
“Me. Quit playing twenty questions with me. We both know what I'm talking about,” he says.
He’s lost patience with me. I don't blame him; after all, I'm a lot to handle.
“If you want to keep being a coward,” he starts, “go ahead. But I won't be here to watch you make a mess of yourself. I won't.” He stands and leaves before I can bring myself to retort.
“Yeah, leave. Everyone ends up leaving me anyway.” I utter bitterly.
I take a drag of my vape. I know I'm being delusional, but I glance down at my phone again, willing it to light up with a message from Gianna. But there is nothing.
I feel like I'm suffocating, like I can’t breathe.
I think of all the good times we shared before it ended. All the warmth, all the laughter. And now it seems like it’s all slipping away, like sand through my fingers.
I'm about to order another drink when a hand lands on my shoulder, halting me. I glance up to see Nala standing beside me, her expression unreadable.
“My god!” she exclaims. “When Luke called me, I didn't know it was this bad.”
“Why are you here?” I hope it's not a figment of my imagination that she's here like I've been imagining Gianna. I'm not entirely sure how many drinks I've had. But it's definitely not enough to make me forget where I am and why I'm here.
“To stop you from ruining yourself.” She grabs the bottle of my half-finished brandy from my hand and places it far away from me.
“Aren't you mad at me?” It's surprising that she's here. Since the day she learned about Gianna and me, she has distanced herself from me.
“I can't be mad to the point that I will sit back and watch my brother destroy himself.” She snatches the vape from my hand and throws it across the room.
It makes me remember the time Gianna did the same, too. The memory brings a smile to my face.
