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No, once I drop Donovan off at his room, I will take Lily to our bedroom to sleep together. I owe her that, especially after how well she did on our first mission together.
What little energy I found myself with when Donovan and I first ventured out into the hallway is sapped from my body by the time I arrive back at the office. I open the door carefully, making my footsteps as soft as they can be as I walk up to Lily.
She doesn’t awaken as I pick her up from the couch. She just nestles into my arms, breathing out a gentle sigh as I carry her upstairs to the master bedroom.
The stained-glass window shines blood red light onto the floor, lit up by the morning sun. Blood has been spilt by my precious Lily, but she sleeps like an angel still. I hope she never loses that innocence about her.
But I doubt she can stay like this for long.
Power corrupts, and innocence never lasts in the face of cruelty.
24
Lily
The weeks fly by, but the days feel longer than ever. We’re still waiting to hear back on the research for Project G after it was passed on to a couple of trusted scientists that do regular work for the Bratva.
So far, no significant progress has been made, and it’s starting to get to Ivan. He’s become more introspective, and a little distracted from his regular duties. He spends a lot of his time by the pond with the ducks, or at the shooting range perfecting his aim.
I spend as much time with him as I can, but it’s possible to have too much of a good thing. I haven’t been off the property in almost two months, and I’m starting to feel restless.
But that’s not the worst of it. I’ve missed my period several times already, and I think I know why.
I’ve been pushing the idea away ever since I spent the first night with Ivan, but it’s gotten to the point where I literally feel sick to my stomach over it.
Morning sickness. I read about this online, and I’m certain that I’m either experiencing that, or I’ve fooled myself into such horrible anxiety that I’ve given myself the same symptoms.
And while anxiety can give a person nausea, it doesn’t come with sore breasts and an instinctual feeling that something is growing inside of you.
I feel like mothers know eventually when they’re pregnant. There are so many changes that happen hormonally, and I’ve been all over the place emotionally since the symptoms started to set in.
Even Ivan has started to notice, commenting on my sudden changes from hot to cold, from the perfect vixen to the nastiest bitch. He thinks he’s just uncovered a new part of my personality, but that’s not the case. I’ve never been like this before, and I think I know why I’m suddenly behaving differently.
I wring my hands as he stands by the pond, watching the ducks as they take flight. He loves the ducks. Loves to feed them, loves to watch them, and he’ll even chase after them occasionally because he thinks they sound funny when they’re quacking.
I always laugh when I see him out there. It’s a little strange, but that’s why it’s adorable. Who would expect a three-hundred-pound tower of muscle to be in love with ducks.
Well, I hope he’s as in love with the idea of chasing kids around the yard as he is with chasing ducks.
“Those ducks need a break,” I say as he watches them flying up past the house.
He looks back at me, his eyes squinting through the slanted afternoon sunlight. “Do they? I think they’re getting fat from the food I’ve been putting out. Might need to chase them some more.”
A laugh escapes my mouth despite the tightness in my chest. Ivan notices this, and cocks his head to the side. “Is something the matter? I wasn’t ignoring you. I was about to come inside and make dinner.”
“No, no, it’s nothing like that,” I reply. God, he’s such a sweetheart. Nobody would ever think such a beast could have such a kind soul, but he does. Everything he does is for me, and he always tries his best to make me happy.
I’m the luckiest woman alive, so I hope my concerns don’t end up ruining this for me. I never even asked if he wanted kids before taking all those risks. I could’ve gotten on birth control, or at least used a condom, but I was so caught up in how good it felt that I didn’t care.
Hello, consequences.
“There’s something you wish to tell me,” Ivan says, taking my hands and looking at me with concern in his dazzling green eyes. They look like emerald flames in the sunlight.
I look at my feet, weaving my toes between the cool green blades of grass. I wish there was an easier way to do this, but the only way is the most direct. I need to get over my fears and come out in the open with the truth, no matter what happens as a result.
I look up at Ivan, and all I see is love in his eyes. Even if he doesn’t want kids, will he still have that look? Will I still be able to look at him and see the adoration he has for me, or will I be met with disgust and rejection?
It kills me inside to even consider that, but the fear still weighs heavy on my chest.
