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I take a careful step under the stream, immediately breathing out a long sigh of relief as the hot water spills over me. I didn’t realize how cold and clammy my skin was until the feeling was washed by warmth.
My neck pops in several places as I roll my head a few times, soaking up every ounce of pleasure I can get. After everything I’ve been through in the last few days, I deserve a break. I don’t even feel guilty about taking it in a stranger’s bathroom.
My eyes close on their own as I’m lulled into a secure cleansing. The filth is washed away as I stand under the water, and I begin to feel warm on the inside again.
It feels like it’s been ages since I felt that warmth in me, but it’s only been a week. I was just sitting across the table from Dimitri at his house, eating bread from the bakery and that delicious soup he always makes. It’s from Russia, I was told.
I bet Ivan knows what it is. His accent is so strong that it feels like I’m talking to someone who just landed in the United States yesterday. If I wasn’t taking a shower in his mansion, I’d believe he had flown here specifically for Dimitri’s funeral.
A glimmer of guilt appears in my belly, growing stronger as I think about what happened. It was all going so well, with everyone saying such lovely words about Dimitri and pretending that the rain didn’t exist. Then, the bullets flew, and everyone scattered. I didn’t see anyone get hit, but it’s possible that there were victims.
A vivid picture appears in my head of the blind barber lying dead on the ground, unable to seek shelter before getting hit by a stray bullet.
My eyes fly open, and I slam my hand into the knob, shutting off the water.
5
Lily
Enough of that! My mind is taking me places I don’t want to go.
I don’t know what happened after the shooting started, or who got hurt, if anyone. There’s no use in worrying about it when I can do nothing to help. If anyone should be worrying, it’s Ivan, and he’s seemingly unbothered by violence.
I dry myself in the fluffy towel hanging on a gold bar next to the shower. I feel like I’m being rushed, even though nobody is telling me to move quickly except myself. I just don’t want Ivan to see me before I’ve had a chance to get dressed.
The t-shirt he gave me is soft against my skin as I pull it over my head, and it falls to just above my knees. Not enough to feel fully covered, but I don’t have anything else to wear. My underwear is so wet that even rolling them up in the towel to soak up the water wouldn’t help.
I pull my hair back into a loose ponytail, squeezing some of the water off the tip onto the sink. The mirror is foggy, but I don’t want to see what I look like. It doesn’t matter if Ivan thinks I’m pretty or not. Totally irrelevant.
I turn toward the door, but second guess myself, turning back to the mirror and using my forearm to wipe the condensation away. The face I’m met with is pink and a little blotchy, but I don’t look as bad as I had imagined. I didn’t wear makeup to Dimitri’s funeral because I felt like it would be performative, so there’s no mascara smudged around my eyes.
I smile at myself in the mirror, trying to replace the sorry in my eyes with hope, but it’s difficult. I already struggled with seeing the good in the world, and now that Dimitri is gone, I doubt there’s any good left.
Ivan certainly isn’t a shining example of virtue, and that’s who I’m stuck with for the time being.
I pull at the hem of my oversized shirt as I open the bathroom door, trying to hide my knees from Ivan. I’ve always been self-conscious about them. They’re a bit knobby and no matter what I wear, I feel like people’s eyes are drawn to them.
It’s my imagination, I’ve been told, but that doesn’t stop me from interpreting wandering eyes as being judgmental ones.
Ivan, on the contrary, doesn’t even look at my legs. His eyes meet mine and light up immediately, and he jumps up from the bed, tossing his book to the side. “Lily, you look like a brand-new woman. How did you find the shower?”
“Um, good,” I say, feeling shy for no discernable reason.
“Great, and you see, I didn’t even peek,” Ivan says, a smile dancing across his mouth. “Although I’ll admit, I was tempted to.”
My nipples harden, but I pretend I’m disgusted by his words, pulling my head back and scrunching up my nose at him. “Don’t be a perv.”
He shrugs. “I can’t help it.”
I cross my arms, thankful for an excuse to hide my nipples that are poking through my shirt. The lack of a bra is making this humiliating for me, and the thinness of the fabric isn’t helping either.
Ivan takes a step toward me, and I let out a yelp.
He shakes his head, running his fingers through his wet curls. “Oh, Lily, you’re a jumpy little one, aren’t you? I think Dimitri mentioned that. Nervous like a little deer.”
“He never said that about me,” I snap. “Don’t put words in his mouth.”
“He certainly said something of the manner, but that was years ago. I suppose you’re braver now, but circumstances have brought out the old you. Am I correct?”
