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Over the next few days, Carly’s anxiety grew. It wasn’t good. It wasn’t good at all. She was the queasiest in the mornings, but it lingered all day. She slowly started accepting what she feared was almost inevitable.
She thought of a nature documentary on birds she’d once watched. The birds flew in huge flocks; a complicated, roiling cloud that tumbled through the air. The narrator said it was protection from predators as it made it almost impossible for a predator to target one bird. That’s how her mind seemed; a whirling riot of thoughts and she couldn’t grasp onto any one.
I think I am. What will we do? And always after this thought, she would see the image in her mind of the little boy with Justin’s eyes or a little girl with dark hair and her father’s smile.
She knew what the pregnancy test would show even before they looked at the lines on the test stick.
Pregnant.
She was pregnant.
Carly had to sit down. Her head swam.
Pregnant. Oh, God.
Justin was also still staring at the stick. He looked up at her with naked fear in his eyes. “Carly.”
Her eyes filled with tears. “What are we going to do?”
“That’s the decision you’ll have to make.” His face was carefully blank.
“What? It’s not like I can pop down to the local abortion clinic.”
Justin winced at the word. “There are alternatives.”
“That pill,” she said. “It was all over the news. I remember.” Numbness made her words sound distant even to her own ears.
He nodded over at the pharmacy where they’d gotten the test.
“I—I...” Carly couldn’t speak. Couldn’t think. She gazed at him helplessly.
Justin pulled her into his arms. “Shh. Shh.”
A sob tore its way from her throat, despite her best efforts to hold it back. “What do you want to do?”
“It’s not my decision.” She looked up and saw his face was still blank; a look he assumed when he didn’t want her to know what he was thinking.
“Yes, it is,” Carly said insistently. “It’s both of us, Justin. Your opinion is just as important as mine. I need you to talk to me now because I don’t know what to do. I’m scared. And I’m confused. And I just don’t know what to do.”
He kissed the top of her head and walked back into the pharmacy. He came back out, holding a paper packet of pills. She opened it. The pills were there, as well as the instructions. She looked up at him. “Is this your answer?”
“No. It’s one of the options.”
Carly closed the packet and put it into her back pocket. “Justin, I need you to help me with this.”
He groaned and thrust his hands into his hair. “Carly, what do you want me to say? What I feel or what I think is the practical thing to do? You and I have already discussed what bringing a child into this world would be like.”
She nodded. So many dangers, so much uncertainty. A world where life was once again nasty, brutish, and short; a lawless, uncivilized world where the strong preyed upon the weak.
“We won’t be able to get proper medical care for you or for the baby. You could... you both could die. And I’m terrified of the possibility.” For a moment, his emotionless façade dropped, and she saw raw fear in his eyes. He dropped his hands and put them on her shoulders. “Despite all of that, it’s your decision. If you want to have this baby, I’ll do everything in my power to keep the both of you safe. To get you what you need.”
She licked her lips. “I want to know—I want to know what you’re feeling. I already know the practical side. Tell me what your heart says.”
In his eyes she saw the same sadness and longing she felt. “Emotionally, I want to have this baby. I’m thrilled. I’ve never thought I’d make much of a father, but you would be the world’s best mother. I couldn’t ask for a better person to share the upbringing of a child. And I’m picturing a beautiful little girl who looks just like you, or a little boy who has my eyes, and, I hope to God, your nose.”
Carly gave him a watery smile, touched that he shared her vision of the dark-eyed little boy and that he also felt the pang of longing. It made her feel better to know Justin felt the same way; if their circumstances had been different, they would both be able to greet this new life with joy and love.
“It makes my heart want to sing, but then the practicality steps in. And it tells me it’s morally wrong to bring a child into this world.” Justin tilted up Carly’s face until their eyes met.
