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“You know, having actual feelings for you would be pretty inconvenient for me,” he says quietly, gaze resting on my mouth.
I can barely breathe. My heart is beating in an unstable rhythm.
He continues. “Knowing I can’t really ever be with you. Sounds like something I would do, though. I have a history of making stupid choices. It’d be on brand, at least.”
I can’t stop myself from touching him, buying every word of what he’s selling. I run my hands up his chest and stroke his throat with my index fingers.
“Would you pay to keep me around longer than another month?” he asks.
I nod, quickly finding myself on the verge of tears again. I can’t stand the thought of him leaving—of any paranoid scenario I could conjure up being true. I think I’d rather just be lied to. Believe whole-heartedly in every bullshit line and have him, rather than risk losing him anytime soon. His true colors will eventually show themselves, and I’ll know what’s real and what isn’t—the same way I now know what my parents think of me.
“You’d keep me like a mistress?” he asks, his voice low and too sexy.
“I would,” I whisper.
“Would I get to share your bed, or would that space be reserved for your wife?”
That question has me touching his face. It implies mutual trust somehow, and it does something else, too. It tells me at least some of what he’s saying—if not all of it—is the truth. “What kind of feelings?” I ask.
“Hm?”
“What kind of feelings do you have for me?”
“Answer my question first.”
“You already know my answer. Your turn.”
He kisses me. It’s soft at first, and then, as my lips part for him, it feels like he’s searching for something, exploring my response to him. My knees give slightly. Slowly, he pulls away. “I care about you. Very, very much.”
My next breath is shaky. “Are you trying not to scare me?”
He nods.
God.
I never thought this would happen to me. Falling for someone never seemed like something I would do. While I always imagined the circumstances would be different, I did kind of imagine my future a lot like it’s unfolding. Allying myself with someone who would benefit me and my family, marrying them if partying ever started to get old like people say it eventually does.
I figured, if I ever had them, I’d find all the love I ever needed in kids—the way it once seemed like my parents found theirs in me, but now I wonder where their love really lies, or if they love anything at all.
I never thought someone would care about me enough to make me care about them so much, too.
I pull Drew’s mouth back down to mine, kissing him tenderly and then very deeply. He wraps me in his arms and sinks into the kiss with me. All this new information makes this kiss feel incredibly different. Obviously it’s getting me hard, he’s basically the best kisser in the universe, but he’s not groping me. He’s not feverishly seeking more skin or grinding his hard cock against mine—he’s just—kissing me. Like he cares about me very, very much.
I pull away, breathless, my forehead pressed to his brow and my mouth half an inch from his. “I’m not scared.”
“Neither am I. And I’m falling in love with you.”
I kiss him again, not giving a shit whether or not it’s true. I needed him to say it so fucking bad. Especially tonight. Especially now. Now that we finally got it right. Now that he knows what I don’t have to offer. Now that I know I’m not crazy for pulling out every trick in the book to get closer to him.
He makes me feel like no one in my life ever has—like I’m worth more than my name or my inheritance. Like I’m worth more than an hour a day. Like I’m just plain fucking worth it.
35
DREW
No, I’ve never said that to anyone. Yes, it’s way too soon, and most of what we do together is sexual. Nevertheless, I’m ready to lock this in. To commit myself to this. The jealousy and possessiveness that’s been gnawing at me has to do with one thing and one thing only—I want to be the person he turns to when he needs anything. If I can’t give it to him, I’ll figure it out. I want his laughter and his tears.
I want his fear and his sense of adventure. I want him to be mine. Only mine.
