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“You will.”
“Drive safely, won’t you?”
“Of course.”
“Love you, Livia.”
“Love you, too, Mom.”
I disconnect the call, noticing that Hunter’s standing now. He looks down at me, his eyes clouded again… although it’s not with sadness. This looks more like disappointment.
“I should let you go,” he says.
“Yeah.” I grab my purse, putting my phone into it. “Sorry about that. I always call when I’m setting off, even when I’m taking the bus. Mom was fussing because she hadn’t heard from me yet.”
“She was caring, not fussing. Mom’s do. Even I remember that.”
I want to hold him. I want to put my arms around him and tell him I care, too. And that no matter what my head says, I’m never going to stop.
***
Hunter
I take the drive down to Newport fairly slowly, giving myself time to think and to recover. I won’t deny, I’m a little disappointed. That might sound unreasonable after everything that happened between Livia and me before I left the office, but the thing is, I wanted more. Call me greedy, but that’s how it is. I went out there with the express intention of asking her to have a drink with me after work, hoping drinks might turn into dinner, and that dinner could become… well, more.
And while what I got was so much better than anything I’d expected, I still can’t help wondering what might have happened if I’d been able to ask her… if I’d gotten a chance at more.
I don’t know why, but the moment she noticed me, I lost my nerve and asked her about work, and then fumbled out a question about her plans for the weekend. I was desperate to keep her there, hoping the words ‘come for a drink with me’ might somehow find their way out of my mouth. But then the conversation turned, and I don’t even know how.
She told me she was going home to visit her parents, and the next thing I knew, I was telling her about my relationship with my dad… or the lack of it. I talked about Mom, too. I told her things I’ve never told anyone… not even Pat or Drew. Some of it shocked her, like hearing that Mom walked out when I was only eleven, and that she left the three of us behind. But the way Livia handled that was so compassionate, it took my breath away. She talked, or rather, she listened and let me talk, and she said the right things, at exactly the right moments, encouraging me, helping me to open up… and I did, like never before. The memories came flooding back. And I let them, pouring them out. I’d buried a lot of it for far too long, but it helped to acknowledge my impotence… my inability as the eleven-year-old man of the house, to help my mom through all the pain my dad inflicted on her. I might have stayed silent, but deep down, I’ve always felt inadequate, like I could have done more, should have tried harder. Although Livia was right. I was a child. It wasn’t my job.
Hearing someone else absolve me was like having a twenty-year weight lifted off of my shoulders. I wanted to thank her, but it seemed she had yet more to give.
She told me to forget my pointless feud with my father, to step out from his shadow, and be the man I want to be. I don’t know how she understood me so well, but hearing her words was like seeing the dawn break for the very first time.
I wanted to keep talking; to tell her more, to ask her more, to hold her and kiss her and never let her go, but her mom called, and she had to leave.
I’ve realized since, though, that our conversation changes everything. I think I worked it out even before I left the office, but I know for sure now. Not only do I love her, but I trust her. I must do, otherwise I couldn’t have opened up like that, not so readily.
Love and trust go together. Everyone knows that. Even me. But trust has always been a huge barrier for me. After that conversation with Livia, I’m pretty sure that’s because of my parents and what they did. It’s not just my dad, but my mom, too. Like I said, I don’t blame Mom for leaving, but the fact is, she left… and it hurt. It still hurts. Your parents are the people you’re supposed to be able to trust above and beyond anyone else. And mine let me down.
Now, though, it feels as though I’ve taken an enormous leap of faith. I’ve broken that barrier and nothing can stand in my way anymore.
Not even me.
“What are you doing here?” I hadn’t expected to see Drew in the kitchen, but he smiles up at me, taking a sip from the beer bottle in front of him.
“Um… I live here? At least, I live in the cottage, but I felt like a decent meal tonight, and I thought, as Pat was gonna be cooking for you…” He lets his voice fade and turns, fluttering his eyes at Pat, who’s standing on the other side of the island unit, her arms folded across her chest. She’s staring at him, but with such affection, it’s hard not to smile.
“You thought you’d take advantage of my generosity?” she says, shaking her head, and he gets up, going around to her and enveloping her in a bear hug.
“You know I’m your favorite, out of all of us.”
“You’re no such thing. I don’t have favorites.”
“And if she did, it would be me.” I dump my keys on the island unit and sit down, giving Pat a wink, which she returns, shooing Drew away.
Once he’s released her, she straightens her blouse and gets down a glass, pouring me a beer and passing it over.
