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Rolling my lips between my teeth, I sniffle in a breath, acutely aware of my pounding heart.
“Luke, I?—"
“I promise, doc. I’ll do better.” His eyes are wide as he jumps in and cuts me off. “I’ll go to a therapist. I’ll go to fucking AA. I can’t lose you. I thought I had for a moment, and it nearly destroyed me. I can’t do that again.”
“Luke—”
He squeezes my hands. “I’ll do anything, Clara. I love you. I want to be with you. Forever.”
I laugh suddenly through the tears streaming down my face. Shaking my head, I lower it, narrowing my eyes down toward him with a playful glare.
“My turn?”
He chuckles, rolling his eyes as he nods. He’s still holding that emerald poised.
“Sorry, go ahead.”
A subtle nod, nearly imperceptible, and I hang my head, closing my eyes as I take a steadying breath.
“I’ve had really bad luck with dates, you know.” I turn down the corners of my mouth as Luke cocks a brow at me. “It’s true. Terrible at ’em. I’ve been nearly exclusively focused on my career. My relationship with Regina and Beth being the only exception.”
“I have to admit, I’m glad you were,” Luke mumbles, and I shove gently at his hands before continuing.
“Dating, connecting with someone like that, it’s messy and unpredictable and time-consuming.”
Thinking back to before all this, before Luke, I sigh. It was simpler back then. But…
“I didn’t let anyone get close. It was too much of a risk. Sure, it meant not experiencing some things that are really great—sex, comfort, companionship. But I was okay with that. It meant I could focus on becoming the best cardiac surgeon.”
There’s that squeeze at my hand again, the ring Luke’s holding still perched on the tip of my finger.
“And now?”
“Now?” I raise my brows at him, and the tears come harder. “I can see why people write love songs. Why they enjoy romance movies and books. I see what I was missing.”
Luke’s eyes are glassy now. I don’t expect him to let any of those tears fall, but seeing them there…
I like seeing him like this. Open. Vulnerable.
Because it means he’s not hiding from me, and that’s what I really need.
“I don’t want to be alone. And I think,” I say, looking down, silently acknowledging the potential person who could join our lives, “I want more of that. That love. A family.”
A ragged sob escapes as I begin to vocalize the hang-up that has been with me since childhood.
“I’ve always put other people’s needs and happiness ahead of my own. My aunt and uncle took me in, yes. But damn, that was about it. I sometimes wonder if they just did it for the tax break. I have never been a child. Not really, and I want to give someone a better life than I had growing up.”
With a shaky laugh, Luke looks beneath his brows at me.
“I very much understand that compulsion. My father was an abusive drunk and is why I joined the military, to get away from him.”
With a sympathetic nod, I scoff. “That answers a lot of questions, frankly. But we don’t have to be those people, right?”
Luke shakes his head, and a moment of stillness hangs in the air before he chuckles again to break the tension.
“You’re killing me, doc. Is that a yes?”
“Oh no, I’m not letting you off that easy.” I smile, still holding his hand while the other is poised to accept his offering.
