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And that is the question, isn’t it?
What do I actually want for my future?
I study Kayla while the professors continue giving them feedback on the various stages of the event.
Is this what I want? To be a bodyguard?
Uneasiness slithers through my gut. Because I know, in my heart, that being a bodyguard is not what I want. Standing around for hours, just watching the same person for a threat that might never come is not what I want for my life.
If it had been anyone but Kayla, I would already have been bored out of my mind. But she keeps me on my toes. And she makes me want to be close to her all the time.
But being a bodyguard for someone else? Fuck, I think I would shoot myself in the head before the first week was over.
A hint of regret flickers through me.
Because if I’m being completely honest, I miss Blackwater a little. I miss the fights, the adrenaline, the plotting, the power plays. I actually like that world. The world of a hitman.
So is that the future I want then?
I don’t know.
The only thing I do know is that I don’t want to spend my life being someone’s bodyguard. Because the only person who I would want to be a bodyguard for is Kayla, and I don’t actually want to be her bodyguard because what I really want to be is her?—
I quickly shut down that line of thought before I can finish it. Before I can admit, even to myself, what is getting more and more impossible to deny. What I truly feel.
Dragging a hand through my hair, I heave a sigh and banish all thoughts of the future for now.
This is getting too fucking complicated.
35
KAYLA
Pleasant murmuring and clinking glasses fill the air around us. I glance around the room while a waitress sets down four wine glasses on the table before us. I have to give it to Lionel, he did pick a beautiful bar for our celebration.
Round tables made of dark wood dot the floor across the entire room leading up to the small stage at the front. Glittering chandeliers hang in the ceiling, filling the space with warm light. And there are candles on every table.
“Well then, boys and girls,” Aurora says as she picks up her wine glass. There is a bright smile on her lips as she looks between me, Jenn, and Lionel. “Here’s to our ridiculously successful silent auction!”
We all raise our wine glasses as well. Jace is standing a short distance away, and I’m suddenly struck by the feeling that he should be here too. At the table. After all, he is the one who secured all of the items for me. And also because?—
“To our ridiculously successful silent auction,” Jenn and Lionel echo, cutting off my train of thought.
I quickly repeat those words as well while we all clink our glasses together.
Aurora drinks deeply before letting out a contented sigh and leaning back in her seat. “We’re definitely going to get a fantastic grade on this assignment. Did you hear what they said about our organizational skills and time management?”
“Yeah.” Mischief glitters in Jenn’s eyes as she jabs her elbow into her sister’s ribs. “Not that you contributed much to the time management part.”
She gasps dramatically and mimics clutching her pearls. “You wound me, sister.”
Both of them start laughing. I smile too, but my fingers still drift to my watch and I fiddle with the strap. As the main Ashford heir, my brother was supposed to get this watch when he turned thirteen. Now, I got it instead.
Pain slices through my chest.
Normally, I can function every day without thinking too much about it. But after that unexpected trip to the yacht on the river, those old memories have been surging up more and more. Those old hurts. Not just for the fact that I lost my brother that day, but also because I lost any chance at a normal childhood. A normal life. A normal family.
I don’t think I’ve truly realized until now, until I saw Jace interact with his brothers and their girlfriends, how much I desperately yearn for that too. Yearn for the feeling of belonging. Of being a part of something.
