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“A Jesus clock?” Tommy wrinkles his nose and looks at Liam. “Told you her gifts suck.”
“What’s wrong with it?” Cheryl demands.
“It’s not even digital,” Tommy says. “Not to mention it talks.”
“It talks?” Dad spins the box around.
“Look at it.” Tommy points to a block of text on the package. “It says, ‘gently reminds you to engage in moments of prayer.’ Can you imagine sitting in your quiet house and all of a sudden a strange voice says, ‘Let us pray.’ They should call it a meet-your-maker clock, cause that thing’ll give you a heart attack for sure.”
Liam brings the back of his hand to his mouth to stifle a snort while Cheryl rolls her eyes. Then it’s Mom’s turn.
“Oh my,” she gasps when she takes the tiny gift out of the bag and holds up A Christmas Story themed ornament.
“These are supposed to be gag gifts.” I lean in so I can whisper to Liam.
“It is.”
“Did you not notice the tree?” I jerk my head in the direction of the living room. “She’s got a half-dozen A Christmas Story ornaments. They’re her favorite.”
Liam’s gaze darts toward the tree even though he can’t see the tree from here, then gives a little ‘what can I do’ shrug as Mom pushes the button on the ornament, which depicts an image of Ralphie and his dad trying to change the tire. You hear the clatter of the bolt falling to the ground, and little Ralphie’s voice says. “Oh…fu—” though it fades before he can finish the word.
The entire table cracks up laughing as Liam turns redder than the placemat in front of him. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t know it did that.”
“That’s the best part.” Tommy wipes a tear from his eye and tears into his gift, which turns out to be a Christmas themed toilet seat with a jolly Santa on it. When the lid is down. When it’s open, Santa’s eyes are bugging out and his hand is covering what appears to be a gasp.
“I told you, Santa’s watching.” Cheryl cracks up at the look of sheer terror on Tommy’s face.
“That is so wrong,” Tommy mumbles. “Mooning Santa is just…so wrong.”
Liam goes next, and he opens a noise machine that plays white, green, blue and all other kinds of background noise. It gives me ideas that aren’t safe to have at the table, so I dig into mine before I can go too deep down that rabbit hole. I get a Snuggie that looks like Chewbacca from Star Wars, which at the very least could make a good Halloween costume since I’m not much of a blanket guy.
We spend a few minutes critiquing the gifts, then Grandma and Grandpa head to their house, and the rest of us watch Elf until Mom, Dad and Aunt Cheryl head off to bed, leaving just me, Liam and Tommy.
“You guys still determined to stay on the western slope, or are you gonna come back here?” I ask Tommy, who moved close to the Utah border a little over a year ago with Aunt Cheryl, since there’s more opportunity over there.
“We’ll probably stay there, at least for now. There’s more work for both of us.”
“What do you do?” Liam asks.
“Mom’s in real estate and I’m studying to be a paramedic.”
“Liam’s studying premed,” I tell Tommy.
“Cool. Family business?”
“Why does everyone always ask that?” Liam gives me a perplexed look.
“Small town habit. Lots of people who grow up here end up working in the family business,” I explain. “There’s not a whole lot of industry in this town, so most people take over where their parents left off, or move.” I tip my head toward Tommy.
“Starting over. Cool,” Liam says.
“Spoken like someone who’s been there.” Tommy gives Liam a curious once over. “Where is your family, anyway?”
“Tommy,” I hiss. I should’ve known he’d bring that up even though I asked him not to. I love him but, he’s a nosy fucker.
“It’s okay.” Liam gives me a weak smile and answers Tommy. “They’re in Arizona, or at least I assume they are.”
“You don’t know?”
