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“You love me?” she mutters. I roll my eyes.
“I have said it in so many different ways, was me not killing you not enough of a clue?” She shakes her head. “How about the fact I risked being caught by the CSIS so you could say goodbye to your sister?” She shakes her head again. “How about the fact I gave you the documents from Knight?” Before she can shake her head again I push on. “How about I just tell you now that I love you and tell you that you were my first love, my first girlfriend, my first heartbreak. Lakeland Deveraux, you own me, mind, body and soul. You have owned every part of me since you were thirteen and I plan to make you fall in love with me again just so I can own every inch of you willingly because we both know I own you now, but I want you to give me everything you have freely.”
“I feel like you already own every part of me and I don’t need my memories to tell me that I am already falling for you. Just give me time to work all of this out in my head because I can’t say those three words back to you right now.” I smirk and close the space between us placing a kiss to her forehead.
“You could never say it before either and just so we are crystal fucking clear, that was the first time I have ever told you I loved you. I’ve never told anyone I loved them since I was six.” She gasps. I walk out of the room leaving her to mull over what she just learned.
I’m not fucking happy about my mom coming with us, she should be at home safe and tucked away but no, she had to be here and I do kind of owe her for organizing all the funerals of my fallen men. Lakeland has been withdrawn since we arrived in Winnipeg. I’ve noticed she has been having pain and tries to hide it but I see through her mask. I had wanted to stay in Calgary but I knew it would be too hard for Lake to stay in the house her sister was murdered in so I relented. Driving through the main town in Winnipeg is surreal and nostalgic, I haven’t been back here since we fled after I took over the Da Luca family. This place holds too many memories for me, all those memories include one person, my favorite person in the whole fucking world aside from Lake.
We pass by the local park where Wave, Taylan, Xander and I used to hang out after school. We spent so much time there hanging out just so we wouldn’t have to go home, going home meant we had to see the sadness in our moms eyes and see her worrying about how she was going to put food on the table for four kids. Those times were fucking hard and there were some nights we had gone hungry. It wasn’t the hunger pains that upset me, it was having to hear my mom cry and berate herself for failing us.
I don’t own a house here in Winnipeg, I never will. This place is not somewhere I ever want to come back to. If I had the power I would shut the fucking place down and make sure no one ever came here. Pulling up to the cabin style homes we rented, I look out the window and debate if I should have Xander turn the car around and get the fuck out of here.
“We do this, then we get the fuck out of here, deal?” Taylan’s softly spoken words ease some of the tension inside me.
“Yeah,” Xan answers.
“Let’s move,” I say as I climb out of the car with my mom following after me. Before I can take a step, she reaches out and grabs my arm, drawing my attention down to her. Her eyes are filled with misery and I know if I wasn’t wearing sunglasses she would see the same look mirrored on my own.
“I want to go there.” I yank my arm free of her hold and step back.
“You can’t be serious?” I seethe quietly. She sighs sadly and nods her head as she wraps her arms around herself like she is trying to keep the pieces of herself together.
“I need to do this, Knox. I need the closure?—”
“There is no moving past what happened,” I say in an angry, cold tone that has her recoiling slightly.
“You don’t get it. Losing your sister destroyed you but losing my daughter fucking obliterated me. I have been half a person for six years because my baby left. No parent should ever have to bury their own child!” she shouts. I can feel Lakeland and the guys staring at us but I ignore them. “All I have are memories, those mean nothing to me because they are from the past. I will never get a fleeting moment with my daughter because she is gone. You think Lakeland is unlucky because she doesn’t have her memories.” I open my mouth to argue but she pushes on. “Let me tell you something, Son. She is the fucking lucky one because she doesn’t have to be haunted by the past, she doesn’t have to wake each day knowing that her daughter died.”
I stand here and stare after my mom as she follows Mase to the cabin we will be staying in. I know most of my men heard what was just said but I don’t care. Hearing the pain in her voice fucking kills me. For years I thought I was the only one suffering and drowning in the loss of my sister but I was fucking wrong.
“I’ll take her.” I turn to the side to see Xander standing there with a hard look on his face.
I shake my head. “No. If she needs to go back then I will be the one to take her. She can’t let go,” I whisper.
“How the fuck could she?” I face my best friend and scowl at the fucker.
“Got something to say?” I snarl. Xander slowly turns to face me and the angry glint in his eyes gives me pause.
“She buried an empty fucking box. They didn’t even find the car until weeks later. Your mother didn’t get the chance to dress her baby girl, kiss her cheek or hold her one last time before they closed the lid. She buried a wooden box filled with the things Waverly loved most because no body was ever recovered. Think on that for a second before you go off on me. You sought out your vengeance and claimed your birthright so you would have the power and means to avenge your sister, your mother didn’t get that chance. You parade the woman who killed her daughter around her like it doesn’t fucking hurt to know she—” He points toward Lakeland as he continues to shout at me, “is still breathing while my girl—while your sister isn’t. Pull your fucking head out of your ass, Knox.” He shoulders me as he storms past, heading toward our cabin. I stand here mulling over his words and start to wonder if he’s right, is having Lake around my mom destroying her without me knowing? Am I really that fucking selfish that I didn’t know I was hurting my own mom.
“He didn’t mean it. Just give him a chance to cool off before you two fight it out,” Tay says before clapping me on the shoulder and going after our best friend.
“Knox—” I raise my hand stopping Lake from continuing, I can’t look at her or even speak to her right now, it’s too fucking much.
“Go inside, I’ll be back later,” I clip out as I climb back in the car and plant my foot on the gas, needing to get the fuck away from here.
Lakeland
I watch him drive away and see several of his men scrambling to get back in their cars and chase after their boss. Guilt churns inside me, after everything I have learned these past few weeks how could I have never thought about my presence being hard for any of them? I’m so angry with myself—no, I’m fucking angry that this horrible thing happened and I can’t even recall a single fucking detail about it! I look back to the cabin Clara and the others entered and sigh, I can’t go in there. They all hate me and I truly can’t find it within myself to be mad at them for it, I deserve their hate.
I decide to give them some time alone and not have to deal with seeing my face and take a walk through the woods that surround these campground style cabins. I see men milling about keeping watch so I know I’ll be safe. I follow the worn path and realize after a few moments that this is a trail. I wrap my arms around me to ward off the chill in the air. As I walk, I try to force myself to remember anything from the past about Knox. Each time I try my head begins to pound, the stabbing pain in the base of my skull has my bottom lip trembling as I try to fight off the pain.
I don’t realize how far I have walked until the trees give way to a clearing and I spot a moss covered picnic table that has clearly been there for years. Feeling mentally and emotionally exhausted, I decide to take a seat and pray no one finds me. At least out here there is no one around to judge me as I finally allow my tears to fall. I bring my knees to my chest and wrap my arms around them and weep. I don’t even know why the hell I am crying, I’m so confused and angry and I hate not being able to remember. Before finding out about losing my memories I was okay being alone in my father’s house. I didn’t know any difference until meeting Knox. Now, all I want is to just remember what the hell happened to me and why my father wanted me incapable of remembering anything about Knox or about that night.
A gust of wind sends a chill through me and I shiver. Not wanting to get sick at such a tense time, I stand ready to head back and hide in one of the cars but I freeze at the sight of a man standing at the edge of clearing. He wears a black jacket, gray slacks but it’s the sight of his leather shoes that tells me he isn’t one of Knox’s men. His salt and pepper hair is windblown, his face is taught with tension, but it’s his eyes that hold me captive, they are rich brown and hold so much guilt in them, that it has me tensing.
“I swore I would stay hidden, never let them know I was here and guard them from a distance but it seems, I can no longer keep that vow.” I dart my gaze around, trying to find a quick escape but his eyes narrow as if he can sense my need to flee. “I’ll chase you down.”
