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My heart is stupid, because I’m in love with him, of course. Desperately, horribly, irretrievably.
I feel so messed up inside, like a science experiment gone wrong, but I need to keep it together for my daughter. “We have to leave, sweetheart,” I say, hugging Izzy to me. “I’ll tell Shane where he can meet us. If he doesn’t get there in time, I bet he’ll make it up to you later. And he’ll have a really funny story about whatever he was doing.”
Or at least he’d better make one up.
“I’m scared, Mom,” she says, her lower lip trembling. And I don’t know whether she’s scared about the surgery, or about whatever’s taking Shane away from something that’s supposedly so important to him.
“It’s okay to be scared, and I never want you to be afraid to tell me how you’re feeling, but this is going to be good, Izzy. It’s going to help you, and we’re going to have so much fun tonight, just like we’ve been planning.”
“With Shane?”
Hating that I might be lying for him, I say, “With Shane.”
It’s not until we’re in her hospital room that he finally texts me back. My first reaction is relief—he’s not dead, he’s okay—and then dread as I click through.
I’m so sorry, Ruthie. There was no clock in the conference room, and my phone wouldn’t turn on until I did a hard restart.
Shit. Is Izzy okay? I’m on my way.
She asked if her dad was coming. You can imagine my surprise. We’re already in the room at the hospital. I don’t know if you’ll make it.
I’m coming.
But by the time he arrives in the waiting room, panting, wearing a suit with a red tie, I’m back in there. The anesthesiologist has already come and gone with Izzy.
His face falls when he sees me. “I’m too late,” he says in an almost a whisper, his voice harsh. When he crosses to me, he reaches for my hand. I let him take it, but it’s like a dead fish in his grip. “I’m so sorry.”
“Do you know how many people have apologized to me?” I ask, my voice like sandpaper. “I don’t give a single fuck if you’re sorry.”
“It was a test, Ruthie,” he says, looking down like he can’t bear to meet my eyes. “Beckett left me sitting in there for a long time before he came in. He wanted to see how I’d react. I had to act like I didn’t care. But you’ve got to believe that I wouldn’t have stayed so long if I’d realized…I thought there was still plenty of time.”
“So he treated you disrespectfully, again, and made you miss Izzy’s appointment. And you want to work there?” I laugh, not caring that people are watching us. “Maybe this was a test too. And you failed it. I could have had Danny come with us, and then I wouldn’t have been alone.”
Because it wasn’t just the disappointment to Izzy that hurt. I’ve been sitting here with my own fear for her, with no one by my side except a man who smells like mayonnaise and is wearing a Christmas sweater in March.
Shane looks wrecked, and right then I’m glad for it.
“I’m going to make it up to both of you. I have big plans for tonight.”
“Until this Beckett guy asks you to do something for him? Is this what it’ll be like if you take the job? Every time he says jump, you’ll ask how high? I didn’t think you were the kind of guy who liked being told what to do.”
“I don’t,” he says, his jaw flexing. “Which is why I don’t like what you’re trying to do right now. It was like this at Myles & Lee in the beginning too, and I made partner there. I know what I’m doing.”
“Do you?” I ask, getting up. I can feel mayonnaise guy watching me, so I throw him a salute as I tug Shane out into the hallway where there are a couple of poorly stocked vending machines full of melted chocolate and stale salty things. “Don’t get excited,” I say. “I don’t have any stupid ideas this time. I just want somewhere private to yell at you.”
“Why bother? You’ve never seemed to care before.”
“Because I never felt on the verge of crying before,” I lie, feeling the tears pressing against my eyes, hot and angry and devastated. “You’ve made it pretty clear where we rank for you.”
“It benefits all of us if I have a better job,” he insists, but I can tell he’s upset, maybe even angry. “You didn’t ask how the interview went. For all you know, I don’t have a chance.”
“I know he made you an offer. Nothing else would have kept you that long.”
“You knew I wasn’t going to stay at Freeman & Daniels forever.”
“Because they care about making sure the people who work there can have lives? Yeah, what a horror show. I can see why you’d want to put that place in your back mirror.”
He wraps a hand around my shoulder, and I don’t shrug it off. I can’t bring myself to because I want the heat of it too badly. “You know why I need this, Ruthie. I told you.”
