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Matt stuck to his promise, and after making love to me like he never had, fueled by my words, my passion, and my unrestrained love for him, he made any TOM be completely ashamed.
There's something liberating about giving up control, letting him manhandle me, his harsh and needy touch, the smacks on my ass, the barked commands, rewards, and punishments. I had no control, yet I felt more in control and free than I ever had.
It wasn't violent or demeaning. It was intense, possessive, and totally rewarding. Relinquishing my control in bed was freeing my mind and opening it to unprecedented pleasure. Complete and utter release, bliss, and relief.
I continued counting “loud and clear so he could hear,” as instructed, as Matt led me into heavenly ecstasy again and again and again.
“Tre,” three came as we made love.
“Quattro,” four was when he took me from behind against the wall.
“Cinque,” five made me implode as he took me on the counter with toys from my goodie bag.
The sun had risen hours ago, but we were stuck in time in the darkness of our flesh, ravishing lust that had us going for longer than I could have ever thought I could bear. I was completely spent, my body ached everywhere, and I was pretty sure I wouldn't be able to walk tomorrow.
The apartment was a complete mess. As if a wrecking tornado had brutally made its way between these walls. Shattered pieces of glass, papers everywhere, chairs knocked over, sex toys on the kitchen counter, and still, I felt like all was in order as we lay in the middle of the floor, just a thin blanket beneath us as I snuggled into Matt's strong, warm chest.
This was my place. My favorite place on earth. His slow and steady breathing and his rhythmic heartbeat settled me in a peace I had yet to discover.
This... was Heaven!
I traced his tattoo as I always did, such a cathartic movement that eased my worries as I was about to open a very deep and old wound.
“I was in love once,” I started speaking. Matt shifted slightly to look into my eyes, surprise swirling in his own as he kept his silence so I could go on. “It was bad.”
I felt his heavy exhale, not sure if it was relief or compassion. Maybe both.
“I loved him so much I didn't even realize what he was doing to me. Very subtly, he changed me, taking charge of my life, my choices, and my free will. Towards the end, I was nothing but the shell of my own self. I had let him take control of everything in my life, losing friends and liberty in the process. Verbal abuse was very subtle at first, and I didn't even notice it was there until after the end when I finally snapped out of the tranced spell he had me under.” I took a deep breath, trying to find the strength to start the worst part, the part that broke me more than I already was, the part that had finally set me free. “One day, my brothers practically kidnapped me from our house, refusing to tell me where we were going. They had never really approved of our relationship and always had been looking for suspicious stuff from Eric. They probably had him followed or something and found out he was living a double life. That day, they took me to his wedding. I sat in the pews in that church, watching the man I deeply loved, the man I had changed to please, get married to another woman.”
I stopped, searching his face for God knows what, understanding maybe, as I slowly measured my next words. “Jackson was there that day, as my friend, holding my hand through the whole thing, giving me the strength I didn't have, as did my brothers. After that, I fell into a spiraling darkness that consumed me every day, that threatened to swallow me whole. I wasn't strong because Eric had taken my strength. He had slowly broken me into a defenseless little girl who depended on him like air to breathe. I just wanted to stop feeling, so I stopped doing everything that had me going. Eating, drinking, living. Jackson... Jackson pulled me out of it. He would come to my house every day and make me eat, he would take me out to breathe fresh air and he would just be there. We were nothing but friends.”
“You told me on the plane that he was your ex.” He said while his fingers still traced the side of my arm. Any animosity that sentence could have bared was clearly eliminated by his slow, soothing caresses and his steady, non-accusing voice.
“Yes, well... kind of. After I was completely out of the darkness and back to myself, things started happening between us, just physical. I liked him but never more than a friend, and he felt the same for me. We were kind of friends with benefits for a while, but that was it. Either way, that's not the part that I remember when I talk about him. It's what he did for me. Without any self-interest, he helped me out of the darkest part of my life. That's who I saw bleeding on the floor yesterday. Not an ex-boyfriend, not an ex-lover, not a backstabbing fucker as you called him. Just the person who helped me survive when I didn't have the strength to do it alone.”
“I get it,” he said with a deep sigh. “But I still don’t trust him. He was my friend once. The only real friend I ever had. The only person who knew everything about me, my life, my family. It’s not an easy pill to swallow when the only person you trust in this life betrays you in a heartbeat. But from what you just told me, you know exactly what I’m talking about.”
“I know. I’m not asking you to forgive and forget. I’m asking you to trust me. Believe in me. I had no idea you knew each other or even the bad blood between the two of you. Hell, I had no idea his father was part of the Yakuza! He never used Naoki as his last name ever since I’ve known him. I had no way to know.”
“I still can’t shake the feeling that he’s here for you, though. It’s too much of a coincidence.”
“He would never take me away from what I love. Who I love. What I said is true, Matt. It wasn’t a heat-of-the-moment kind of thing. I love you. It was hard admitting it to myself, admitting that I am vulnerable like that again. I didn't want to give you the power to hurt me as he did. It scares me. Because you have it, you've had it for some time now, and I'm petrified because I know that if it happens again, if it happens with you, there's no way I will be able to pick up the pieces again.” I exhaled deeply as the sheer thought brought on the beginning of a panic attack before I managed to whisper, “Not with you.”
Matt hooked his finger under my chin, directing my eyes to bury deep into his as he opened his soul to me.
“I won't hurt you, Francesca. I love you. I want nothing else but to make you the happiest woman on the face of this earth. You’re safe with me.”
Matt captured my lips in the most loving and tender kiss, spilling all his love into that simple gesture. I could feel the emotional depth in his lips as he kissed my fears, doubts, and reticence into oblivion.
This was peace.
This was home.
This was… Love.
Chapter 34
Francesca
