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Thump thump!
Thump thump!
Thump thump!
That was all I could hear. My heart beating erratically in the back of my head like it had moved up, lodging itself in my brain.
Rationality had lost the war to emotion. All those years of holding up a mask of calmness and control had crumbled under the pressure of this moment. I wasn’t thinking, I was feeling.
Feeling too fucking much. I just wanted it to stop.
If only someone had shot a damn bullet straight through my skull, I’d be doing much better.
Panic started to take over me as Jamie’s words echoed painfully in my head. I reached for my tie and shirt button, thinking they were strangling me, but they weren’t there today. Still, I couldn’t breathe. I struggled to draw each breath as if all the oxygen in this room wasn’t enough, my lungs burning from the rapid intake.
With every second that passed, I lost myself further. Another piece of me was dying, my body silently screaming as pain and loss spread through my pores.
I just stood there, immobile, staring into nothing as I broke down inside, Francesca looking at me with sheer panic in her eyes. I could feel the building pressure within me reaching its limits as I ran my shaky fingers through my hair.
I lost my way mid stroke, pulling on the strands instead, hoping there was no sting from the pain, meaning this was nothing but a bad fucking dream.
“AHHHHHHHHH”
I had heard this same noise coming from inside me once before. Something between a loud shout and a roar breaking through my chest, verbalizing the pain that consumed me like the vicious fucker it was. I couldn’t contain it any longer. The power and energy it released brought me to my knees as I bowed to my fate. My painful, horrifying, and empty fucking fate.
“Matt?” Alison’s voice tore my gaze from staring into nothing straight to where she stood by the door. The question was there, lying beneath her call, but in this room, only I could single out every word she couldn’t say.
My little sister was frozen by the front door of my apartment, not daring to enter the clusterfuck zone, as if that could stop fate from happening.
I looked up at her, my eyes filled to the brim, one blink away from spilling my never-ending sorrow.
“WHO, MATT? WHO?” Alison yelled, a loud screech of pain that broke me even further. I couldn’t answer. My words were lost somewhere inside my chest and I couldn’t make them leave my mouth. “NOOO. Not again. Please God, not again!” She cried out, one strong arm away from crumbling to the ground. Max held her to his chest, lending her the support I couldn’t find in me to give her.
“Max, call Mike or Jimmy, find out where they are. Get everyone there right now!” Francesca commanded, before kneeling in front of me with tears freely streaming down her face.
She held my face in her hands trying to reach me, but my soul was nowhere to be found. She pulled me to her, but my body was stiff and tight from shock.
“Matt. Look at me.” She tried, but all I could do was let my head fall to my chest and shut my eyes as tight as they went in a pathetic attempt of holding back the tears that didn’t cease to fall.
Thump thump!
Thump thump!
Thump thump!
My heart hammered in my ears like a tortuous reminder that someone else’s wasn’t beating. Someone that was a part of me. Someone I loved with every damn piece of this broken heart of mine.
It canceled all the sounds around me. I could see Francesca’s lips moving, she was talking to me, holding my face in her hands, but my body didn’t register a word she said.
In the midst of the sharp, intense, and overwhelming first impact, I suddenly felt empty. Drained. Desolate.
I looked down at my hand, watching as the blood dripped from the cuts and pooled on the floor in front of me.
Francesca pried my fingers open and tried to take out the pieces of broken glass still stuck in my skin. I couldn’t feel any of them.
These physical wounds were numbed by the comatose state that has taken over my senses. Everything before my eyes, every movement around me, went by in a strange slow motion. Some kind of blur and sluggish motion while my world and I stood still, on my knees internally begging the Gods above for this to be a cruel joke.
I dared a glance over to Alison again, feeling guilty I couldn’t hold my own to be there for my baby sister when she needed me. For the first time I was glad to see her small frame covered by the arms of another man.
