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It was my defense mechanism, the only way I knew how to cope with the pain of never feeling loved or wanted by my own parents. But being rebellious right now wouldn’t help one bit.
The opposite, really.
Mouthing off to my father had never ended well for me.
“Father, nothing is going on. And I’m coming back in a couple of days anyway,” I declared, trying to put as much confidence in my voice as I could muster.
“You come home when I tell you to,” my father screamed into the phone. “You’re a useless piece of ass, just like your mother. And I’m done putting up with it.”
He ended the call.
I swayed while staring at my phone.
Did this really just happen?
Did my father just tell me I was a useless piece of ass?
Bile rose in my throat, and my knees buckled beneath me. Sobs wracked my body, anger, pain, and sorrow twisting into a tangled mess.
I wiped away at the tears, but the floodgates had opened, and I couldn’t get them back under control.
Too much pain.
I sank to the floor, wrapped my arms around my knees, and rocked back and forth.
Why would he hate me? Was this really how he saw me? A useless piece of ass.
I dragged in a breath, which hurt, just as my whole body was hurting.
Was there something so wrong with me not even my own family could love me?
I tried to muster some anger, but there was only a giant gaping wound. And the realization settling into me that I’d avoided acknowledging before. My father would never see me as a person.
As a daughter.
I was just a nuisance to him.
And whatever had caught his attention, now, he would use me as a pawn in his power plays.
The realization struck with brutal force.
He didn’t love me.
Never had. Never would.
I was alone and would stay trapped in a life not of my choosing if I didn’t escape. I didn’t know how long I stayed like that—rocking, on the floor.
My whole world felt like it was crumbling around me, and all I wanted was to be held, to feel loved.
To feel whole.
At one point, the sound of the shower penetrated my shell.
I got up, finished undressing, and trudged over to the bathroom.
The steam had fogged up the whole room, but I couldn’t even feel the warmth penetrating the coldness that had settled in my core.
I stepped into the shower and let the scalding water run over me. I turned my face up, closed my eyes, and let the stream pelt my face.
