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“Yes,” I say so low I don’t think anyone could hear it, and Jabarri is sitting right next to me. I clear my throat, “Yes.” I say louder and more confidently than I feel.
“First, I want to say that from the moment that I started romantically liking people I have always been attracted to both women and men. When I was younger, I was a grandma’s girl, I stayed with her all the time. She spoiled me, and I pretty much got my way all the time, so it was a no-brainer to be with her. When I had to go home with my mom I was always looking for ways to get back to my grandmother’s house. She always had medical issues, so she never lived alone, she either lived with her sister or later she moved back into her family’s home. As I got older, she began giving me some freedom, for instance, she would leave me home alone as she went to the store or one of her doctor’s appointments. I was still too young for my mom to be left alone, but my grandmother felt I was responsible enough, so she would do it, and neither of us would let my mom know because we both knew my mom would flip her wig.”
“One particular day, I was home, and my cousin showed up to the house. I knew him well, so I didn’t think anything of it, but I wish I hadn’t. That was the first day he touched me. I was so confused I didn’t know what to think. I was at the age that I was liking people, and some of the things he did felt good to me, so I felt like it was my fault, that something was wrong with me. He exploited those conflicting feelings, telling me that if I liked it, then I wanted it; why else would I be enjoying it? He was a teenager of about fifteen or sixteen, and I was ten, I think,” I pause when Jabarri pushes a wad of tissues in my hand, and I realize I am crying. “He began coming over more and more, and since he was there, my grandmother began leaving me alone with him more and more, thinking there was someone there with me so I was safe. Little did she know she was letting the fox into the hen house. I would wake up to him standing over me, jacking off and ejaculating on my face or cornering me in the bathroom when everyone was home. It wasn’t until I overheard my grandmother and aunt talking about him moving in with them that I knew that, eventually, he was going to flat-out rape me. I remember going home and asking my mom about her being molested by her cousin when she was a child. My mom didn’t have the best relationship with her mother when she was younger, and she worked hard for her and me to have a better relationship. She wanted me to be able to come to her to ask her anything or talk about anything, and for the first time, I was taking her up on that. When I asked her, she finished cooking, fed us, and got my brothers squared away before sitting down with me at the kitchen table to talk just about her and me.
She said she also felt conflicted because when he would touch her in certain places, it caused a pleasurable sensation in her body even while her mind was screaming this was wrong. She said she would get up at the crack of dawn, leave the house, and stay gone until her parents came back home, and she would be safe. I remember her flat-out asking me if someone was touching me, and I lied, but I think she knew the truth. Don’t ask me why I kept going back over there, but honestly, I loved being over there when he wasn’t there, but when I woke up to him on top of me, I knew I had to get out. I just flat-out stopped going over there, and that made my mom even more suspicious. Once I no longer went over there, he eventually stopped going altogether, and at one point, he was homeless. I think he began taking drugs, and then he just disappeared. But the damage was done. I was terrified of men. I tried a couple of times to have a boyfriend, but both times were a disaster, especially when I had a complete meltdown during my first time, so women became my safe space.
When I met Alayna, the attraction was instantaneous, and I thought I had found my person until I walked in on her having sex in our bed in my house,” I finish wiping the tears.
“Can I hold your hand,” Jabarri asks and takes my hand when I nod.
“I hated watching what my dad did to my mom. He thought we were too young, and then when we weren’t, he felt like we should stay in a kid's place. But how can we when he would get out of my mother's bed, and then go pick up another woman and be at his family’s event with the other woman? It was in our faces, all of our faces, and he did not attempt to hide it. Then, he would play on my mom’s fears, insecurities, and desires. He proposed so much to my mother with a new ring each time she could have opened her own jewelry store. So, I grew to truly detest cheating like it’s a visceral hate. When she left him, I think me and my brothers were happier than she was,” I turn on the sofa to face Jabarri. “When I met you, you stirred feelings in me that I had never felt for a man before, ever, but I was in a happy relationship. I did not want to feel anything for you, but I couldn’t stop it from happening, so it was easier to snap at you, be a bitch to you, so you would stay away from me. I would have never left Alayna, and I would have never even considered cheating so where did that leave me?”
“Acting like a spoiled bitch?” he says, and a startled laugh slips out.
“Yes,” I say, nodding in honesty. “But I don’t want to run Jabarri. I don’t want to deny myself what it has been craving. I love you, and I may stumble a few times and revert to my safety net, but I am asking for your patience but also your honesty. I need you to call me out on my bullshit. That is the only way I am going to confront my shit and get better.”
“I love you too, Skai, from the first moment you came bouncing in my house. I told you before and I’ll tell you again, I am not going anywhere,” he kisses my forehead before we turn together to face Dr. Hunter.
“Wow,” she says, dabbing her own eyes. “That’s what I call a breakthrough,” she says, making us chuckle a bit before we continue our session, but for me, it felt like I released the weight of the world off of my shoulders.
CHAPTER 8
Jabarri
After our therapy session a couple of weeks ago, she has been a different person, lighter, happier, and more at ease, and I am loving it. When she talked about her cousin abusing her, I almost lost it, but I made a mental note to find his bitch ass. But her vulnerability broke me down,
“You are the first man that I had real feelings for. You shook me to my core every time I was around you. Even with the few guys I was attracted to, I had never had such a reaction or attraction to one like I had to you. I did everything in my power to stay away from you, to keep you at arm’s length. It was easier to keep you irritated with me then than to face my feelings for you and my relationship with Alayna. I guess everything happens for a reason. Even though I don’t like the way it happened, I am coming to the conclusion that it had to happen.”
“Would you have ever faced this thing between us?”
“No, I was content where I was. Alayna was easy. She was safe, and I was comfortable. I didn’t have to face my past or even attempt to heal from it. Honestly, I feel she was just what I needed at the time, she kept me from spiraling into a depression, or worse. I would have married her, made a life with her forever, and I think I would have been happy,” she says, and I shake my head in agreement because if things had been different with Natalie, I probably would have done the same thing and I say as much to her.
“We both would have made it work with our perspective partners and probably been happy.”
“And miserable all at the same time,” she says, laying her head on my shoulder.
“Indeed,” I tell her. I love that she is facing this shit finally and that even though her cousin tried to, he didn’t break her in ways she couldn’t heal from. howeverHowever, I just want to have a conversation with him. But, the trail goes cold shortly after Skai stopped going to her grandmother's house. I want to ask Savvy, but then I would have to explain how I know, and we aren’t ready to out our relationship just yet. Plus, Natalie still hasn’t found the courage to tell her parents that her new friend Scottlyn isn’t a friend but a lover. This is all a tangled mess.
Skai called me today to ask me to come over for dinner tonight, so I am heading that way. I made sure to grab her some flowers, and her favorite dessert. I ring the bell with my elbow since my hands are full, and she opens the door, and I forget to breathe. This is the most feminine I have ever seen her outside of wedding attire. She is a legging, sweatpants, and jeans type of woman, and it makes sense, seeing as she is either recruiting football players or is literally out on the field. The short pink ruffled spaghetti strapped dress with pink heels makes her look like walking cotton candy, and I have a sweet tooth.
“You look stunning, baby,” I kiss her lips before handing her the flowers.
“You don’t look so bad yourself,” she says, walking back into the house, her face buried in the bouquet. I stop short when I get to the kitchen. She has gone all out for tonight; there are candles and flowers everywhere, there is soft music playing in the background, and a chef is in her kitchen making us dinner.
“What’s all this?” I ask, pulling out her seat after she hands one of the waitstaff that must have come with the chef the flowers.
“I wanted to do something special for you. To show my appreciation for all of your patience and understanding. I feel like things have been very one-sided between us, and I want to rectify it, not because we’re keeping score but because you are worth it, and I haven’t shown you that.”
“Nöku Ahi, you don’t have to do that.”
“I know, but I wanted to,” she says. She really is a different person now, and I love it, but I also don’t want her to change so much she forgets the woman she was when we first met. I fell in love with her mean-ass. We talk about our day as the chef makes a mouthwatering meal before cleaning up and leaving us alone still talking.
I look over to her when she doesn’t respond to me, and see that she has fallen asleep sitting up in the chair. I get up and turn all the lights off before coming back over to her, picking her up, and carrying her to bed. My hands shake as I pull off her shoes before peeling the dress away from her chocolate skin, leaving her in just her panties. She is always in her pajamas when I stay the night, so this is my first time seeing her body. She is pure perfection, small, tight, and compact. I finish taking the dress off and carry it to the closet to hang it up and grab a sleep shirt, but stop myself. I snatch Atlas’ shirt off the hanger and replace it with my dress shirt, slide my t-shirt over my head, take off my shoes and pants, and put my pajama bottoms on. Walking back into the room, I take the t-shirt I just took off and pull it over her head, pushing her arms through the sleeves and pulling it down her body. I swear this girl sleeps like the dead. She didn’t even flinch. I turn the lights off and turn on the TV because she has to sleep with it on or she will wake up. I found out the hard way. I climbed in bed, pulling her in my arms before immediately passing out.
Skai
Well, last night did not go as planned. I wanted it to be our first time, but instead, I fell asleep at the kitchen table. Ridiculous. I guess it wasn’t meant to be. I set the cruise control and settled in the car for the three-plus hour ride to Natchez to see about a tight end Saint wanted to recruit. I find a good station and concentrate on the road. I had to talk Jabarri out of coming with me on this trip. I had to remind him I had been doing this for a while now alone. He didn’t like it, but he reluctantly went along with it, having a job to complete today helped, but he made sure my location sharing was on, and I had a backup gun for my backup gun.
