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“But we will be okay, we will all be okay.” Lawson pats my leg.
Victor holds me tighter as my continued sobs mix with the salty water of the ocean. I know they are right. She never came back after her accident. We continued to mourn a person who was alive. Spending visit after visit with someone who never recognized us. She truly was the definition of a shell of a person. Going through the motions and each visit, I had hoped that she would snap back to us, but she never did. Nevertheless, it doesn’t dull the pain of physically losing my mother. Now we can mourn her properly.
As the week goes on, the three of us are walking zombies. We have honored her wishes in her will and she was cremated. We will do a traditional paddle-out ceremony so we can distribute her ashes to the ocean. Back to water, giving her soul the freedom it so desperately needs.
It’s early in the morning of the ceremony, and we arrive at the beach. To my surprise, we are met with the entire community. Everyone from our area. Nurses and doctors from the facility, friends who didn’t quite know her but they were there for us… Ohana.
The crowd is full of brightly colored clothing adorned with beautiful Flower Lei. Sunrise is almost up and we line up to head into the water. Together we paddle out and make a circle in the ocean, placing the flowers in the water. As the sun rises, everyone chants together.
"E ala e, ka la i ka hikina, I ka moana, ka moana hohonu, Pi‘i ka lewa, ka lewa nu‘u, I ka hikina, aia ka la, e ala e!"
“Arise, the sun in the east, from the ocean, the deep ocean, climbing to heaven, the highest heaven, in the east, there is the sun, arise!” I translate while resting my palm over my heart.
The sun finally peeks over the horizon, its rays stretch out over the clear sky. We’ve cried so many tears this week and today is a happy release. Today we celebrate the beautiful life that she was, even when she was lost to us.
Together, we spread her ashes into the ocean and she is finally free.
Once the song is over and the leis have drifted off into the ocean, we surf back to shore. We head over to the park where we have a proper luau. In her honor, we sing and dance, celebrating the life of someone we loved so much.
The entire time, Victor has been right by my side. Holding my hand during the day and taking care of me when I need it. At night, he holds me close. As much as I miss my mom, I’m comforted in the presence of someone who genuinely cares.
Never once has he says “Just get over it” or “you should be relieved, she’s in a better place” or any of that crap. He has let me just handle all this on my terms.
At the end of the night, we say goodbye to everyone. Victor drives me to our home. Shifting his car into park, I step out before he can get my door to help me out. My head tips back at the clear sky where the stars shine brightly this evening. The moon casts a lightness, keeping the darkness from fully engulfing me.
Victor places his hand on the small of my back, encouraging me to walk inside. Just through the door, he rushes toward the stereo and switches on some music. Holding his hand out toward me, I rush to his side.
“Let’s go outside for a bit?” He asks.
I follow along as he leads me out back to the private beach area. He drops his body into the sand just before the water’s edge and tugs my body to sit between his legs. With my back against his chest, he pulls my hands into his and just holds me close.
“Thank you will never be enough for this week,” I finally say.
“Shh, you never have to thank me.” His lips press against the top of my head before he rests his chin on my shoulder. “I love you, Collins.”
“I love you too.” I turn my head up to look at him. “You have to work tomorrow?”
“I’m the boss. I can call out.” He smirks.
“Do you want to take a drive?”
“I’d go anywhere for you,” he sweetly responds.
I turn back toward the ocean and close my eyes. Focusing on the waves crashing in the far distance and the gentle breeze that touches our skin. There is beauty in the breaking, they say. This year has tested me in ways I never expected. Despite all the ways I’ve been challenged, it’s worth it when I have moments like this.
Chapter 25
Collins
Nothing can help deal with the loss of someone you love unconditionally. Leland and Lawson were right. We lost her a long time ago. I’m thankful that today, it doesn’t hurt as badly.
Victor has been nothing short of amazing. He and Mr. Withers secured an office space in town and have a few clients they are working with. Victor’s dad has been calling him nonstop. He’s talked him into a meeting while flying over from New York. Victor kept putting it off, saying that it’s not his problem, but eventually folded.
Today, while Victor has been up to his elbows in calls and emails, I snuck off to the garage where I’m sitting in the back of my car. My mind is lost in the present reality.
I grasp a cold beer between my hands when Victor pops his head in the garage, spotting me. He gives a worried smile until I hold up a beer.
“Grab a cold one and come sit.”
