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Me: I mean, not necessarily. But if my sisters are going to turn on a movie, it’s good to know I have something to keep me invested.
Koda: Last movie you watched.
Me: Barbie.
Koda: What? You went to the movies to watch Barbie?
Me: I did. I took Penelope and forced Maddox to come with me. I promised her I would take her last Christmas when she told me about it. I obviously didn’t really think how bad it could be. Maddox had no idea what we were doing. He spent the morning on the ice with me, and then I sprang it on him. He hated every single second of it. He didn’t talk to me for a whole month. I think he even blocked me.
Koda: Bahaha, he did not.
Me: He did. Every time I texted him, it came up green. Only when I saw him a month later at the family vacation did I grab his phone. Little shit blocked me. The Funcle.
Koda: Do you even know what a funcle is?
Me: You bet your ass I do. I had to google it to make sure, but it’s like a dad, just hotter and cooler.
Koda: Does it really? I thought it was a gay uncle.
I gasp.
Me: Are you fucking with me right now? That’s a guncle.
Koda: I am not. I honestly thought it meant gay uncle. I think I heard Andy Cohen use it, so I assumed.
Me: I’m not gay.
Koda: Really? This is shocking information.
Me: Koda.
Koda: Christopher, there is nothing wrong with being gay.
Me: I know that. Why would there be? I’m just saying I’m not gay.
Koda: So you really aren’t gay?
Me: Koda, you’ve met my dates.
Koda: Maybe they were your crutch.
Me: How the hell did we go from Sandra Bullock to me being gay?
Koda: Well, you are good-looking, hot, and you dress like you’re a GQ model, so it could have gone either way.
Me: I’m happy to announce that I’m one hundred percent heterosexual. I like women. I love women, actually.
Koda: You are trying really hard to convince me that you aren’t gay. Is there a reason for that?
I don’t bother texting her. Instead, I call her, and she answers right away, and I hear the laughter from her side. “You are just fucking with me.”
“Who, me?” She feigns innocence, but I can hear the teasing behind it, and I fucking love it. “I would never do that to you.”
“Yeah, right.” Those are the only two words I could come up with. Her laughter is shooting straight to me. “Are you done?”
“Just about.” Her laughter fades. “That was fun.”
“Was it?” I ask, thinking if I can give her this escape, then I would do it over and over again.
