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I shake my head and look over at the SUV. Koda gets out wearing a black skirt with a matching jacket and black shades cover her eyes. Her hair is pulled back in a ponytail as she holds Rain’s and Luna’s hands, both of them dressed in black. Rain looks down at her feet while Luna smiles at Koda. My heart, or whatever is left of my heart, in that second is gone.
“I think you should go.” My father slaps a hand on my shoulder. “The team is lining up.” He motions with his chin to my teammates lining up on the side of the open doors.
I take a deep breath. “Here,” Stone says, taking off his black sunglasses and handing them to me, “take these.”
My hand shakes as I reach up and take them out of his hand. I put them on and walk over to the team. Hugs are exchanged, and a couple of words are also expressed before Eddie walks over to us. I don’t know what he says because I block out everything as I look into the funeral home and see Koda sitting in a chair with Rain next to her and Luna on her lap. Her hand holds one of Rain’s while she has one on Luna’s leg. With her glasses on, I can’t see her eyes, but I see the tears streaked down her face. I can see the tip of her nose is pink, and I can see her trying not to shake while crying.
We get in line as we walk into the funeral home to give our condolences. Eddie stands next to his wife, right next to Rain, who stands next to Luna, who is glued to her mother’s side. Koda’s parents are on her other side. “Uncle Chrissy,” Luna says the minute she sees me. “You have a candy?” She leans in and whispers. After every game, Benji and I used to walk out of the locker room together, and I always had candy in my pocket for her. “In there.” She points at the right pocket where I always kept them.
“Yeah, girlie.” I smile at her through the tears running down my face but that are hidden behind the glasses I’m thankful I’m wearing. I reach into the pocket and take out two. “You share with your sister,” I tell her, and she grabs both of them from my palm.
Rain smiles at me as she takes one from her sister, and I look at Koda, neither of us saying anything before I reach out and hug her. Her body is stiff as she lifts a hand to my back. “Thank you for coming,” she says through her tears, and all I can do is nod. She doesn’t want me here. I know this, but I’m thankful she doesn’t make it known to everyone around me.
Today is one of the worst days of my life, carrying his coffin out of the funeral home to the hearse that will take him to the cemetery, all while hating him for what he did. The knot in my stomach just gets bigger and bigger. The tightness in my chest makes it harder and harder to breathe.
With my head hanging down and my hand going to my neck to loosen the tie, I walk to my car with Stone, my father, Dylan, and my uncles Matthew and Max. Everyone else is probably at my house. “Are you going to the house?” Stone asks softly.
“I don’t know,” I tell him, looking over to see Koda getting into the SUV with the girls. “There’s not much more to say.”
“You don’t have to say anything,” my father says. “You just have to be there. He would do it for you.”
“I guess he would,” I mumble instead of shouting “I wouldn’t fucking put my family through that.”
“We’ll drop you off and then just text me when you’re ready,” Stone says. “Your own personal Uber driver.” I chuckle at his joke, getting into the car.
“How long before this day is over?” I ask softly as we drive toward Benji’s house.
“Just a few more hours to go,” he replies just as soft. “Tomorrow will be better.”
“Tomorrow will be better,” I repeat the words, “or it can be a whole lot worse.”
We pull up to the house, where cars are lined up and down the street. People walk in all dressed in black with their heads down. “Do you want me to come in with you?” All I can do is shake my head. “Okay, well, you let me know if you need me, and I’ll be right over.”
My hand reaches out to grab the door handle. “Thank you.” My voice is thick.
“No need to thank me.” He slaps my shoulder. “It’s what we do.”
I open the door, stepping out and closing it before anything else is said. Walking up the path, I spot a couple of the teammates with their wives, who just nod at me. Everyone is probably waiting until they can get the fuck out of here. Walking into the house, I have to zigzag through people. It’s jam-packed, people chatting with each other like we just didn’t bury Benji.
I look around before I step outside, seeing the kids running around. I spot Rain and Luna being chased by two older boys, who, from what I remember, are Koda’s nephews. They come to the games a couple of times a year. I pull out a chair and sit outside, my eyes on the girls, making sure they are all right. I don’t know how long we stay out here. All I know is they went from playing tag to hide-and-seek to racing to playing in the tree house. The sun is starting to go down, the sky turning a bright orange before it turns purple.
Eddie walks out, then pulls out the chair beside me. “The kids should be getting ready for bed.” I don’t know what to say to that. “Everyone is almost gone.”
“Do you need me to do anything?” I look over at him, and the anguish is written all over his face. He buried a son today, and he has to keep it together to help his daughter-in-law and grandkids.
“Nah,” he says, “caterers are clearing up as we speak.”
“Where is Koda?” I ask, not even sure why I’m asking. The last time I was here, she was telling me to get the fuck out.
“I think she went downstairs,” he replies. “She said she needed a minute.” He gets to his feet then. “Okay, kids, time for a bath.” He claps his hands together as the kids moan about not being tired. They follow him inside, and I get to my feet, pushing the chair under the table before heading inside.
The caterers are in the kitchen cleaning up, with some service people drying things. I’m about to take my phone out of my pocket and text Stone, but instead, my feet move toward the closed basement door.
Turning the handle and quietly closing the door behind me, I walk down the stairs. The lights are on, and as I get to the last step, I see her. Koda. This time, she’s sitting on the couch with her head back, looking at the ceiling. One hand is on her lap, the other on the armrest as she holds a glass with amber liquid inside. I don’t say anything to her, but she must sense she isn’t alone because she looks over at me. “I was—” I start to say but then stop when the tears pour down her face.
“Is everyone gone?” she asks, and I nod. “He had this big fanfare.” She laughs bitterly. “The headlines are all saying how horrible and tragic it is that he’s gone. Someone even wrote he had an aneurysm. Wait until they find out he died of a fucking overdose.” I look at her. “He was cheating on me,” she whispers, the words draining everything from my body. “I mean, I don’t know if you call it cheating since I don’t think it was really him.” My feet feel like they are superglued to the floor, as she brings the glass up to her mouth and takes a sip. “I kept sitting here trying to pinpoint the day it all started to change.” She looks at me, shaking her head.
“For the past two days, I’ve been racking my brain, wondering when it fucking changed, and I can’t for the life of me figure out the exact date. He started acting differently at first. It should have been my first clue. Falling asleep at the table, in the middle of the meal. Then he would be irritated at times. I thought it was his knee acting up and he was trying to pretend it was okay. Thought he was pushing himself too much at training. Told him that his body would heal on its own, and the more he pushed, the longer it would take.” The tears fall over her eyelids and she looks like she’s in another world as she tells me this story.
