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When he releases a breath, my eyes connect with his. I know that whatever thoughts I’ve had while taking him in aren’t hidden behind the mask I’ve worn so well. The one that seems to be broken whenever I’m around him. He never takes his eyes off me as he steps closer into the room.
“You ain't leaving me.” His voice is raspy and filled with emotion.
Gunner steps past me and into the room, making it clear that this will not be something I can or will slip away from. This conversation he so clearly wants will happen whether or not I like it. I release the breath I had been holding; I turn to see him staring down at the bed and the contents. His eyes bore into my open bag as he glares down at it like it had wronged him somehow. He lifts a pair of my panties, bunching them up and bringing them to his nose, inhaling my scent. I have to look away, knowing I can’t let his actions affect me. When he turns, I feel his eyes on me; I release a long breath, closing the door but not stepping further into the room. When I look up, I’m hit with the look of determination. His eyes bore into mine, daring me to argue, which I damn well will. Gunner bunches my panties up, shoving them in his pocket with a grunt, never taking his eyes off me, leaving me feeling a little unnerved.
I don’t respond to his words. What can I say? He can believe what he wants, but if I want to leave, if I want to run from whatever this is, I will.
His eyes narrow as I continue to stand and stare wordlessly at him. His annoyance at my lack of response is clear. And he isn’t having it. He stalks toward me, which makes me retreat for the first time in my life. Not from fear. Well, not for fear of him physically harming me, because he could never do that. But because I fear what his closeness will do to me. And how eager certain parts of me are to be close to him.
Realizing what Gunner's goal had been when my back connected with the door. My breath hitches at the realization of having nowhere else to go, and that doesn’t stop him. He reaches up, boxing me in. I don’t flinch as I stare at him in shock with wide eyes. This motherfucker here. My eyes narrow further.
When he leans further into me, his hands on either side of my head, my chest heaves at his nearness, and as much as I try to fight it, I can’t. His eyes have a knowing glint as he leans in, resting his forehead on my shoulder, causing my body to stiffen. I fight to ignore my body's response to him. Knowing this, he leans further into me, his nose brushing against my neck as he inhales me. I hold in the shudder that threatens to explode throughout my body.
Pulling away slightly, Gunner's knowing eyes lift to mine and hold me hostage. I can’t look away. The truth in them makes it very clear that he is not willing to hear anything other than my agreement that I will stay.
“Gunner, I can’t stay. I know you know this. I have jobs to do. Can’t put my life on hold, hoping things work out. What’s done is done.” I say, as I try not to breathe in his intoxicating scent. Trying to remain detached, I continue. I’m not sure if what I say next is for my benefit or his. “I’m not that naive girl who thinks you walk on water and will blindly follow your lead. I tried that once, remember?” I say, finally able to look away from him. I feel him flinch at my words. He knows I'm not wrong. When I look back at him, the determined set of his jaw lets me know he isn’t willing to give up or let me use the excuse of our past to keep us from having the future he’s determined will be ours.
I try and fail to get away from him by pushing at his chest. His body is solid, and he leans further into me, pushing me further into the door. The realization that he isn’t making this easy for me slams into me. My head shakes back and forth. I can’t do this with him.
“No.”
His hand wraps under my chin. Shifting my chin so his eyes and mine are connected. I stare into his eyes with defiance, but he ignores it, looking for something else, looking deeper. His eyes bounce back and forth between my confused, overwhelmed, and defiant ones, not giving in until he finds what he is looking for.
“You. Are. Not. Leaving. Me.” He growls out.
His words are not angry, just final. And I don’t know what to do with that. I don’t know what to say to that because right now, at this moment, I’m not the woman that I’ve been for the last twenty years. No matter how much I try to deny it, I am the girl who fell in love with Gunner Church and thought he hung the moon. That realization has me blinking back tears that are threatening to fall. I can’t do this, not now.
“No,” I say, pushing at his chest.
“You don’t get to do that. You don’t get to say that…” I say.
I push at his chest harder, and he lets me, allowing me to scramble away from him. I move to the open space at the foot of the bed, putting even more distance between us. He turns from the door, making no move to come closer, and I sigh with relief.
“Yes, the fuck I do. You, Svetlana Petrov, are mine and always have been, always will be.” His voice raises slightly from the raw emotions.
He goes to take a step toward me, but I lift my hand to stop him; thankfully, he stops. His face softens and his eyes plead with me to listen. I can feel the indecision and my resolve crumbling. I square my shoulders and stare at him. With a head shake, he says something to the effect of a damnstubborn woman under his breath. He sighs but stays in place.
Gunner runs his hands over his head as he glares at the floor. His mouth opens and closes. There are a few frustrated growls that vibrate throughout the room. When he looks up at me, the look in his eyes… I lick my dry lips and try not to let it get to me, but the love, need, and anguish reflected in them are hard to deny. My body wants to go to him to make it better. My mind and heart are at war. With a shake of my head, my mind wins and keeps me rooted in place.
“Since you came back into my life. You have had every right to hold me at arm's length. I get that. But I also know good and damn well you knew for a long damn time why I did what I did… I fucked up Savvy.”
My lips part to cut him off. I won’t allow him to minimize what he said and how our breakup went down back then. He didn’t have to say and do what he did. He didn’t have to crush me the way he did. That was all him, no one else.
“No, for the first time in years, fucking years. You’re here. Right here. You can’t run anymore. I won’t fucking let you. You aren’t going to make excuses to avoid this conversation. So you’ll damn well listen to what I have to say, Savvy.” His face morphs, and the storm brewing in his eyes has me taken aback. His eyes and words let me know he means every damn word.
My body jolts, and anger engulfs me.
No, the fuck he isn’t making demands of me. Not after everything I’ve gone through and done for him.
He takes a step toward me, and I step back. He stops. Hurt flashes in his eyes, which has my anger dissipating slightly. What does he expect from me? I can’t be near him. I can’t fucking think when I’m near him.
He lets out a hard sigh. “What they made me do…” He shakes his head. “What I did was fucked up. I could’ve handled that shit better. You deserved better from me. I said a lot of shit I shouldn’t have…” He says earnestly.
“I had no fucking choice, Savvy. Fucking none. And I can’t regret it because it gave me three pretty great fucking kids, even though that daughter of mine is a pain in the ass more often than not.” He chuckles. “I can’t regret them. I won’t regret them. But I made a choice, and I’ve had to live with it ever since.”
What he says registers. I can see he doesn’t mean how it’s perceived.
“Don’t,” giving him a small smile in understanding.
