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“What do you want me to say, Savvy?”
I say nothing. What can I say?
“Do you want me to say I was wrong…”
He pauses, taking in a harsh breath.
“Savvy… I was wrong. So damn wrong. I lost the love of my life because I wasn’t strong enough to fight for her. I wasn’t strong enough to fight for you. But I am now.” He says, determination lacing his words.
He is no longer willing to give me the space I need. He steps closer to me. I turn away from him because the look in his eyes has my determination faltering. My breath hitches, and I feel his heat pressing into my back. The air freezes in my lungs when he leans further into me, wrapping his arms around my stiff body and pulling me back closer to his front. A shiver courses through me when his lips come to my ear. When he speaks, my eyes involuntarily close.
“I’m going to fight for you, even if you don’t want me to.”
His breath tickles my neck, and I hold in my shudder. The sting behind my eyes frustrates me.
I know he didn’t have a choice. It was a while before I knew all of it, but I understood why he did it after I realized what was at stake. My fear, what stops me from accepting and believing him, is not knowing if giving in to him now will end in the same heartbreak. What happens if he has to make a similar choice? Will he? Will he choose his kids and his club over me and mine?
Those are the questions that keep me from giving in to him. I can’t lie and say that I would have made a different decision if the roles had been reversed. Like Gunner, my family is everything to me. So, if I were in his shoes, I’d probably have done the same, but I would have fought like hell, which is what he didn’t do. He didn’t fight.
He bends, resting his forehead on my shoulder, pulling me closer to him. I try to pull away. He doesn’t let me go. My body vibrates with the need to escape this, him. Desperately trying to convey that I want him to stop, need him to stop. He doesn’t. The air around us swirls with so many emotions. His closeness and my palms now resting on his arms wrapped around my waist, have my body reacting in a way I know will cloud my judgment.
Trying to keep the emotional distance between us is not something he will accept any longer, and continues to crowd my space even more. I don’t know if the panic I feel has him second-guessing his next move, but he stops, pushing away from me but not letting me go completely. He spins me around so we are facing one another. My hands go to his chest, and I try to stay focused on anything but the feeling of him. I exhale, thankful for him giving me this slight reprieve. My body sags slightly, and I stare at him. His eyes plead with me. My hand twitches, wanting to close around his cut and pull him closer, but I won’t. My body and mind's reactions are not in one accord. It couldn’t be more apparent as I continued to fight with myself and him.
“Gunner, I can’t…” I stop myself from saying I can’t love him again. But that isn’t true, because I could.
“You can't do what? My sweet Savvy. What can’t you do?” His eyes beg me to open up.
“You can’t let yourself love me, be with me, trust me? What can’t you do, my sweet Savvy? Tell me?” His feet remain rooted in place. His bulging chest flexes as he leans further into my space. His eyes say it all. He will not let me get away without answering him.
Gunner watches me a little longer, waiting for my answer. When I don’t respond immediately, he lets out a guttural growl. The one that always leaves me dazed and needy for him. I work damn hard to ignore my body's response. Seeing the fight in me, he pushes forward even as I try, to no avail, to slink away. He isn’t having any of it. If he were any other man, if this were another situation, I know I could do some damage, but he isn’t, and this isn’t. So I relent.
My elbows bend as he steps closer to me, and his arms wrap around my back. He says nothing as he leans forward, his forehead resting on my own as he takes a deep breath, breathing me in. His head shakes back and forth a few times while I stand stiffly, breathing shallow breaths, trying desperately not to allow his scent to affect me. My hands release his shirt, falling limp over his. Relenting, knowing I won’t be getting out of this until he says whatever he needs to say. I can’t speak. I know that the words that would come out would be to beg him to take me, love me, need me, and only ever want me. But the fear, the fear, keeps my mouth tightly sealed.
I wouldn’t usually give up and give in when backed into a corner, but I’m so damn tired of fighting him. I’m so damn tired of being afraid of being hurt again.
This…
Being all over the place, this indecisiveness in my mind, heart, and body, this constantly being at war with myself, is exhausting, which is why I need to leave.
He sighs, and without lifting his head, his eyes on mine as he speaks. “You can, and you will stay with me and work this shit out. You don’t have a choice in this…” His breaths fan across my face as he speaks, and I feel it down to my core. My legs nearly crumble at the sensation, and I try to lock my knees without him noticing, but he does. I stiffen.
“You're scared. Fuck, so am I. I know, I have a lot to make up for.” One of his hands leaves me and rests over my heart. “But I also know what's in here, and so do you,” He says knowingly.
Without breaking contact, I feel his other hand grab hold of mine as he shifts and pulls it up to rest it over his heart. As confusing and tormented as I feel, I understand what he means. Pulling his face away from mine, he looks deeply into my eyes. My heart rate quickens.
“This beating mass of flesh hasn’t stopped beating for you. Never, not for one fucking day, have I stopped loving you. I’ve never not thought about you and our kids. I couldn’t…” He sighs. “I would rather live in a world with you than without. So fuck, yes, I stayed away. But I never forgot who this belonged to.” He squeezes my hand, which he continues to hold over his heart. “I never forgot who this belongs to.” He repeats as he leans in, resting his forehead against mine. “Don’t run away from me. Let me show you what this should have been, what we should have been. We deserve this. You deserve this. You deserve happiness and peace. You deserve to be loved, and I want to be the one to love you. I love you, Savvy. I will always fucking love you.”
He pulls away from me slightly, his eyes close as did mine. I feel his breath on my face. Something in me awakens, and I don’t know what to say or do. This is what he does to me, what he turns me into.
Do I continue to fight this?
Can I fight what this is?
Should I fight this?
I can hear him take a few breaths, and he pushes away slightly, towering over me. I feel his eyes on me, and I’m unsure what he wants. Opening my eyes and looking at him, I convey my feelings. I’m confused. I’m scared. I don’t know if I can give him what he wants. What if something else pops up, and he pushes me aside again? What if he finds out everything about me and can’t handle it? We’ll end up right back where we were. Him breaking me again, and me trying to put the pieces back together.
Usually, I would have a man on their knees before they could ever get me in this position, but with Gunner, I don’t want to. I couldn’t if I tried, that much I know to be true.
