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“I think it’s time to start getting ready for bed,” I announce, hoping we don’t have a meltdown.
There’s something about nighttime that she doesn’t like. So far, she hasn’t had any nightmares, but every night, we check on her after we’re done with Caleb’s feedings.
“Cora, sweetie, did you brush your teeth already?” I ask, knowing that she’s actually ready for bed.
She nods but pouts, hugging her blanky closer. “But I wanna know what happens wif Dextah.”
I give her a sympathetic smile. “I know, sweetie. But little dinosaurs need their rest, just like little girls. Gabe will finish telling you the story tomorrow night.”
“That’s a promise.” Gabe nods and stands up, lifting the sleepy baby from my arms. “Say goodnight, buddy,” he whispers before carefully laying him down in his crib and tucking him in snugly.
Watching Caleb’s peaceful face, I feel that familiar ache—that longing for what can never be.
“Cora, it’s night-night time,” Gabe says with gentle firmness, but Cora, with the stubbornness of a toddler, shakes her head.
“Nope. No, fank you,” Cora insists, even as she rubs her eyes.
“How about one last hug from Dexter the Dinosaur?” Gabe offers, using one of the voices from their story. Cora’s eyes light up, and she nods eagerly, finally relenting.
“Okay, but remember that you have to go to bed.” He scoops her up, her laughter filling the room as they exit, heading toward her bedroom. I follow, still finding this nightly ritual sweet and painful. I love it and yet, it hurts too much.
In Cora’s room, Gabe gently places her in her bed. “Night-night, Cora,” he says, kissing the top of her head.
I pull the covers up to her chin, tucking in the edges with care.
“Whese Teddy?” She yawns.
I find her bear and snuggle it next to her.
“Good night, Cora,” I whisper, leaning in to plant a soft kiss on her forehead. Her eyelids flutter closed, and soon, her breathing deepens. She’s already on her way to dreamland, probably with Dexter and all the new friends she’s been making.
Gabe clicks on the nightlight, bathing the room in a warm glow. We both linger for a moment, watching her sleep. This is how it should have been for us—reading bedtime stories and tucking in our own children each night. If only things had been different.
I feel Gabe’s eyes on me in the dim light. Neither of us speaks, the silence weighted with memories of all we’ve lost. After a long moment, I turn and slip quietly from the room, my heart aching for the family we’ll never have.
I hear Gabe’s soft footsteps behind me as I reach my doorway. Pausing there, I keep my back to him.
“Good night, Gabe,” I rasp, moving to close the door.
Gabe steps closer, the heat of him singeing my skin. “Don’t shut me out,” he implores with an urgency in his voice that resonates deep within my soul.
I turn to face him. His blue eyes stare at me, searching . . . For what? “What do you want from me, Gabe?” I whisper, biting back what I truly yearn to confess.
I feel empty inside, like there’s nothing left of me to offer. All I really want is to escape the tangled mess of emotions that keep me tied to him.
Cora and Caleb are what keep me close to him, yet they’re also the reason why I keep wanting him. If given the chance, I’d pull Gabe close to me. So close, we’ll be like two comets colliding with a force capable enough to destroy an entire universe. But I don’t do it because I’ll just destroy us both in the process. Neither one of us would be able to survive what happened like the last time.
Gabe steps forward, his arms spread wide, his expression one of open honesty. “I just want to hold you. It’s hard seeing you in so much pain,” he admits.
My treacherous body sways toward the solid heat of him, but I cling desperately to tattered restraint. “I’m fine,” I state, willing my voice steady. “I don’t need you, Gabe.”
“But I need you.” He moves nearer still, piercing blue eyes burning down into mine, searing me to the core. His breath feathers warm against my upturned face, and I shudder.
“It’s probably me, the one who needs you. Your comfort,” Gabe says, his eyes holding mine in a steady, intense gaze. “I need you like the desert needs rain, like the night sky needs stars. You’re the air that fills my lungs, Ameline. In your arms, I find peace—the kind of peace I’ve only experienced with you. I wish . . .
“I wish you would crave me, need me . . . Love me the way you used to.” Gabe’s voice breaks slightly. He brushes his knuckles over my cheek with exquisite tenderness.
“Without you, I feel like I’m wandering in the dark. Like a ship drifting aimlessly at sea.” Gabe’s voice is rough, filled with a rawness that makes my heart ache. “Let me back in, baby. You’re the air that fills my lungs, the only hope that lights up my world. In your arms, I feel a sense of belonging I can’t find anywhere else.”
