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And yet, I needed to love myself more than I loved him. And, until that happened, I could never truly love another.
"But. I can help you."
"No," I shook my head. "No. You can't. I can't rely on anyone else."
"Okay," he kissed my forehead. "Okay. I understand. If you need this, I'll give it to you."
"No you won't." It slipped out. I'd opened my heart tonight. Bore myself to him and couldn't stop the thoughts and feelings from bleeding through me. "You'll abandon me the minute I walk away." My voice was choking, pain tearing into my heart. "You won't fight for me."
I was so afraid. I was afraid because we'd been here before. I needed to find myself but I also needed him to miss me. To be there for me when I was ready.
But I knew he wouldn't.
God, how many times had I seen it happen in the past? All the women at the clubs, with desperate gazes at the man who never gave his heart away.
He'd done it to me before, he would do it again.
"I will. I'll be here when you're ready."
"I'm never getting married. Remember you said that to me?"
"I was a kid!"
"And you were also telling the truth! It has always been your truth. The only person you gave your heart to was Honey, and that's okay," I cupped his face. "She's a special girl. She deserves all the love you give her." Reaching up, I kissed him, slowly, gently, committing the taste of his lips to memory. "I need to say goodbye, Knight. I'm leaving, today. Now." I had my passport and wallet. That was all I needed. I was leaving everything else behind.
At this, his lip trembled, and he began to shake his head. "No," he choked out, clutching my jaw. My side. He kissed me again. "No, Tatiana."
"Yes, Knight. I'm no longer anyone's pajarita, no longer the little bird, kept in a cage. I need to spread my wings. To grow into who I'm going to be as a person. To fill this life with myself. To be the version of myself that will love myself." I pulled out of his embrace, putting some much needed space between us, before I gave in and stayed with him forever.
"I'll be here, I swear it." His eyes were so soulful, so sorrowful.
I smiled, but my heart squeezed tight in my chest.
Because I knew it wasn't true.
The truth that I was afraid to admit out loud was that I wanted him to chase me. God, did I want that.
To show me that he really cared enough about me. To prove to me that he would pursue me to the ends of the earth because I was that special to him.
But I could never admit that, because I thought it was probably better not to want.
And, really, truly...I didn't believe.
He would never chase. He would never care that much.
I really believed this.
My parents hadn't. Rook hadn't.
...And Knight wouldn't, either.
And so, I had to fight for myself.
I was the only one who could do it...
I stood, my heart breaking, bleeding, pouring, all over again. "Goodbye, Knight."
TWENTY-ONE
