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Rays of light shimmered, bedazzling the coral in bright blues and greens, mixed with the sandy bottom of the ocean. It reminded me of the time I knelt on scorching hot planks, overlooking the water, watching Knight as he scoured the sandy bottom of the ocean, looking for the perfect shell.
The memory threatened to burst through my mind, like air bubbles rising to the surface.
Instead of letting it go, I pocketed it, pushing it down and holding it close.
It was better for me to feel my emotions. I knew that, now.
I was finally getting used to letting them out--to not see my sadness or anger as weakness. But, rather, a way for my body to communicate my needs to me.
Feeling an emotion was my brain’s way of showing me that my heart needed care, just like being in pain meant my body needed attention.
And, just like I needed to eat and drink regularly to give my body energy, I needed to do things to give my heart the love and care it needed.
And I was getting better.
It had been six months of therapy.
Trying different medicines until I found the right one.
Keeping up routines of exercise and work.
And, when the nights got too lonely, I used something to help me fall asleep.
I was okay accepting that I needed help sometimes.
However, there were still some things that were too painful to let go--memories like phantoms, flickering into my mind without warning.
One day I would have the courage to let them go, but not today.
And that was okay.
Instead, I blinked, focusing on the coral below. Pumping my feet, I pushed down and through the water, swimming through the beauty of the ocean, careful to watch out for eels.
A shadow passed overhead, blocking the sun, and I glanced towards it, then jolted at the sight before me.
Suddenly, I couldn't breathe.
Impossible.
Waiting until I was completely out of breath, I steered upwards, kicking hard until I broke the surface. Sucking in a deep breath, I looked around, unable to trust myself.
Knight's ghost haunted me everywhere I went, but never had it looked so real as it had just then. I studied the empty bay, catching my breath, trying to ignore the twisting in my belly.
And then, there was a movement that caught my attention, and then my breath, because the time had finally come.
I was having a breakdown.
I'd completely lost it and needed to be checked into an institution, because I was hallucinating that Knight was here in Costa Rica.
I blinked and he was even closer.
Panic slammed through me. He was actually here.
At the sight of his determined look peeking out over the water, the copper gleam of his hair, the fire in his eyes, swimming towards me--
I ran, like the coward that I was.
I dove back underwater, pushing below the waves, and swam towards shore. When it got too shallow to swim, I ripped off my flippers.
