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“De only way to live our life, is to look our past straight in de eyes.” She thrust two fingers at me, "We barrel down on it without flinching. And we say to it, you no longer control me." She straightened, lifting her chin, "I is who I be, and I will not let you determine who that is today.”
I could barely breathe, my chest was so tight. My thoughts were swirling, churning. It had been a long time since I’d opened the door to my past. But, with each step in my present, it was becoming more and more obvious that I would not escape it for too much longer.
Like the veneer Rook spoke about—the edges of my carefully constructed facade were beginning to peel. I wasn’t sure I could hide it any longer—the terrible creature I’d once been.
Rook was right. He was always right.
We were all just wild, savage animals hiding behind our masks. The raw truth was unraveling before my very eyes, in front of every one to see.
I wasn’t a sweet bunny, but a horrible, selfish animal.
"Give me your hand, child." Kuru’s voice had grown loud and demanding, her hand clutching onto mine and pulling me closer to her. "I knew your ma, chile. Did you know dat?"
"No.”
"Yes," she said matter-of-factly. "She was good to me, dat one. Got me out of big trouble. I may not see well, but I see you, Summer Duvall.” Fear shot through me. She knew my secret. Somehow, she knew. She pulled me so close, we were almost touching. Rook's hand on my thigh squeezed tight. “De others, dey won't see it, but I do.”
A heavy pressure on my chest. Someone squeezing it tight. The room spinning. Lightheaded, as if the ground might disappear beneath me. My hands began to tremble, my body wracking with shivers.
“Miss Bondo,” Rook’s dark voice broke through the crackling air. An overprotective warning in it.
“No.” Her eyes flashed like lightning. She pointed at the card. “You need to face de past. Straight in de eyes. Do you got de guts to look at it?”
"You don't have to," Rook said, with a challenging tone. "This is your decision, Summer. You don't have to believe every word she says. She's a mystic, nothing more."
Kuru leaned back, a smile to her face, untouched by his words. "He's protective of you, dat one." Her gaze shifted towards him, "you know you don't deserve her, yes?"
“That's none of your business," he growled, and Kuru just laughed, nodding her head.
"Yes. Dat boy loves you, no doubt about it."
I could only stare between them, taking deep breaths, trying to control the emotions filling me.
"Regardless,” she continued, “he's right. Dis your choice—only you can determine if you’re ready. You can walk away from here and I will be happy for you, no matter what. You are always welcome in my shop, you understand? You decide. Turn over de card. Or not. It's up to you."
She leaned back, her hands folded in her lap, and began to sway, humming. Not pressuring me into a decision.
Rook took my hand and pulled it up to his lips, kissing the back of it, saying nothing but giving me a look that said he would be happy with whatever I chose.
I closed my eyes, refocusing inward, using the soft humming to ground me.
It's just a card, I tried to reassure myself, nothing more. It won't change my life. And yet, I somehow knew I was lying to myself. There were…things…I’d pushed down, suppressed, and for the past few days, they'd been leaking out.
Nightmares of flames and screaming. Night sweats. Sudden heart pounding. Only Rook’s arms around me grounded me.
Being home was bringing my past back to the surface.
I could choose to ignore it, or choose to face my demons, as Kuru said, and live life on my terms.
I inhaled a deep breath and stared down at the cards. The 'past' one seemed to call to me, like the low beat of a tribal drum. It was hypnotizing and yet, there was also a nervous, frenetic energy to it.
Yes, I decided.
Like Rook said, you had to take control of your own life. I was going to fucking do this.
Determination settling over me, I turned the card over, and saw a trickle of a smile on Mama Bondo's face.
The picture on the card was of a moon with a skeletal face.
