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“No,” I said immediately, knowing it was the truth. “Not at all. It was a day I’ll never, ever forget.”
“Me neither,” Russell said, giving me a sad smile.
“I really do care about you so much. And it’s not like I want this to be the end,” I said, needing to make sure that he understood me. “I just don’t think it makes sense to try to stretch this out. Do you?”
“I do need to decide what I’m going to do next year,” he said slowly. “And even though everything in me is saying we should just go for this, it…” He shook his head and drew in a shaky breath.
“What is it?”
“I think I need to get out of my own way a bit,” he said, his voice hesitant, like this was a brand-new thought he was exploring. “I turned in the last musical, even though I knew it wasn’t ready. Because if it wasn’t my best, I wouldn’t actually have to see how I compared with my dad. And while it’s so tempting to just jump into this with you… maybe I should actually focus on writing a new sample. So that I can change things in my life and stop hiding from it.”
“Yeah.” I looked over at his hands, hanging by his side, and thought about how easily he’d taken mine in his just moments ago. Was that done now? Would I ever hold his hand again? “We could… go back to being friends?”
“I don’t think we were very good at being just friends.”
“We really weren’t,” I said with a laugh. And then it faded out, and it was just the two of us, standing across an ever-widening chasm from each other.
“Well,” Russell said after a moment. He nodded up toward the security line, which was starting to get worryingly long. “I guess you should go.”
“Yeah,” I said, even as my throat closed around the word. I knew all too well that I’d brought this on myself. I’d invited him in the house, I’d kissed him, I’d brought him up to my room and made this all that much harder for both of us.
I stepped toward Russell and he stepped toward me, and pulled me into a tight hug. I hugged him back, and let my head rest on his shoulder for just a moment, breathing him in. His arms tightened around me and he lifted me off my feet. But then he set me back down and took a step away.
“You’re going to crush it. Connecticut isn’t going to know what hit it.”
“You too,” I said. “Whatever you decide to do. It’s going to be so great. I know it.”
He gave me a sad smile. “Fly safe.”
I nodded and gave him a smile back, one I didn’t at all feel. “Thanks. I will. I mean—I’ll try? It’s really not up to me, but I’ll mention your request to the pilot.”
He laughed, then gestured to the uncomfortable-looking metal benches. “I’ll just wait here, in case you need anything. Just for a few minutes.”
I nodded, even as I could feel tears pricking my eyes. People passed by on either side of us, nobody paying the slightest bit of attention. An emotional goodbye in an airport was probably as ordinary as seven-dollar bottles of water. And for a second, I flashed to all the running-through-the-airport scenes that were a staple of my romantic movies. It always ended with an airport chase, right? It was only when someone was about to fly away that you found the courage to tell them how you felt. “That’s really nice of you.”
He gave me a smile and a half nod. “Take care, okay?”
“You too.” I reached out and gave his hand a squeeze, and he lifted mine to his lips and kissed it, not breaking eye contact with me. I stayed there for just a moment longer—my hand in Russell’s, our eyes saying all the things we weren’t—but then took a step back. I really did need to go. “Bye,” I made myself say.
And then I turned and headed for the stairs that would take me up to the security line, feeling like my heart was much heavier than it had been just minutes before. I told myself I wasn’t going to look back. It was cliché and trite, and also I had a feeling that if I did, and saw Russell looking after me, watching me go, waiting to see that I was all right, it would be that much harder to actually leave. But there was no alternative—the plane was going to take off, and I was going to be on it.
I glanced down at the check-in line, where the guy in the sweat suit was having an argument with the same woman who’d checked me in. Probably he’d brought his bag in too late, and missed his window.
As I climbed the stairs, I tried to think about what would have happened if I’d also been too late. What could even be done at that point? But a second later, the answer came to me, as clear as anything. Russell would have volunteered to help me. He would have driven my bag back, even though it was the opposite direction for him, and left it at my house so my dad could get it to me.
Of course he would have volunteered to do it—he wouldn’t even have hesitated. I somehow knew that this was the way it would have gone, as surely as if it had actually happened. And that revelation was enough to literally stop me in my tracks.
What a good person he was. How if he could have done something to help me, he would. And how if our situations had been reversed, I would have done the same for him.
And realizing this, it felt like something I shouldn’t push away or let go by.
Was this me, once again, seeing everything in black and white? Thinking that something either had to be a long-distance relationship or nothing?
And just like that, I could see beyond the black and white to a potential shade of gray.
Looking around, I saw Russell get up and start to walk away.
For once, I didn’t overthink it or hesitate.
