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Because he once loved her.
Once gave himself to her.
And he was forced to live them over and over.
I brought myself to the present before my thoughts became carried away. My cheek rested against Caedryn’s chest. The thump thump drove into me. I splayed my palm on his warm and solid chest. I pressed my finger pads into the muscle. This was real. Caedryn was real. He bore no marks of a tussle. No bloody scratches. Whenever the empress drove a fingernail down his skin, Caedryn howled—with pleasure. He bit her in return.
I took a deep breath.
A sick passion. Not just violent. Sick.
Ways I should have reacted coursed through my head. Push away. Run. Yell. Cry.
Caedryn took a deep breath. His long fingers combed my hair. While he studied my hair and my forehead, I studied his chin. Smooth lines. No hair. Fine pores. Beautiful.
We were both too petrified to speak.
I don’t know how long we sat together on the bed, with the blankets swirling around us and the canopy seeming to wave in and out with my inhales and exhales, as if it’d come crashing down on us. The room was moving. Vibrating with my spirit’s inner tornado.
His fingers traced my jawline. “I swear to you I will never react with you as I did with her, never abuse you as I did her. Do you believe me?”
“Yes.”
“Do you understand why I showed you?”
I nodded.
“Before I open my mind to you, you must know the basis for my thoughts, for the patterns they’re stuck in. I still might think these things. I might think them about you, but I swear—”
“I know. I’m not going to run from you.”
“I wish I could blame my forcefulness on my darkness, but that’s an excuse. I own my actions. I know what I became. There’s a hidden animal side to our makeup as emrys, as dragon riders. But we can control it.”
“Perhaps it’s our light that gives us the control.” The idea was hope to me. “As a Dark Emrys, the empress didn’t have light. She triggered, even amplified, your darkness. You’ll be safe with me, Caedryn. I know it.”
“Niawen. I—you can’t imagine. I want to be yours forever.”
My heart lodged itself in my throat, and I couldn’t speak. This is so soon. So soon. I sat up and pulled his hands off.
“I know,” he whispered. “I know. But I’m ready to love you—always.”
I reached for his hand and wove my fingers between his as I closed my eyes. I imagined how it’d feel to access touch like this anytime I wanted. I imagined what his fingers would be like on my skin. I imagined his peaceful dreams, his nights without anguish because he spent them in my arms.
I imagined my heart healing because I was loved for me. Caedryn didn’t care if I was marred. Caedryn didn’t care where I came from or what I had done. I felt hope in these thoughts.
Hope in this person, this emrys I could share every joy, every sorrow, every change of life and new season.
Without warning, Caedryn grunted.
I opened my eyes and dropped his hand. I nearly evaporated. What did you do?
With the strength of a miniature sun, his light—in its entirety—hovered in front of me in a compact orb the size of his palm.
I had never seen this before. The bonding of two souls happened in private, with a small party consisting of parents and the High Emrys and her mate.
“Niawen,” he rasped. “This is more excruciating than you might think, holding one’s light in the palm of one’s hand. I feel empty. Make me whole. Say you will bond with me for eternity. Unite our light.”
My mouth gaped open. I couldn’t let him sit like that for long. His other hand clutched at his chest, over his heart.
